Momma's Losing it!?!

I Chose My Marriage

2012-01-13T10:37:00.000-07:00

We have been having a lot of martial issues. They started in October and since that time twice I was going to leave. The second time I even rented an apartment. I did not really want to divorce Sean - I love him so much. Loving is the easy part, it is the living that is the hard part.

In December I went to Ontario. The plan being that when I returned I would be moving. While I was away we were able to talk about things. We are slowly working things out and getting back to normal.

That being said...I chose my marriage. I have made changes in my life to strengthen my marriage. Not everyone will understand the choices but that is ok. The choices I have made are mine, Sean was shocked by some of them, and I chose them freely.

Why do I post this here? Because I know there are people who will not understand my choices - no, I am not going into details. There are people who will judge me but their judgement does not matter. What matters to me is my family.

I love Sean and Robbie and that is what matters in the decisions I have made.

2011 in Review - Goals

2011-12-31T22:26:00.000-07:00

Reviewing my goals from 2011:

1. Taken from 2010 (and this time do it), use Listerine every time I brush, I have gingivitis and it needs to go away!
I did a lot better on this one...still not perfect but I am changing habits!
2. Move more. Whether walking, using the Wii Fit or swimming I need to get moving. My weight is slowly going down and if I exercise more
I did more moving. I have had a lot of down times but I am making progress. I have a rec center membership through to September so I have no excuses.
3. Drink more water! We are not buying pop (unless I am really sick like last weekend), we buy some juice but pretty much everything at home is water! I am trying to just have water at work as well.
Definitely doing better on this one. Due to stomach issues I have been drinking A LOT of gingerale but I am drinking lots of water too.
4. Spend more time with Robbie. With getting home from work so late it is hard to spend much time with Robbie during the week (besides bedtime stories). I need to find time to spend some mommy time with my big little boy.
A change in jobs helped this one! We spend time together snuggling and talking every morning and then I take him to school.
5. Cleaning the house. I need to find a routine that works for me so that I do not feel our house is a disaster all the time
Well...the house is not a disaster, more organized but it needs to be cleaned more often. We are setting up a schedule of who does what and when. That should help a lot.

Disappointed

2011-12-25T19:10:00.000-07:00

I am going to sound like a spoiled brat but I am going to say this anyway. I HATE CHRISTMAS!!! I try so hard to make it a special day. I try to forget the pain of past Christmases where my dad and step-mother made it clear to me that I was in the way. Starting at about 16 I would get one present and get to sit there and watch dad, Edith and Gord open a bunch of presents. My sister Grace used to try and make up for it but knowing your "parents" think you are a bother a few presents don't make up for anything.

This Christmas again sucked for me. Robbie loved his presents so at least that was good. I spend so much time picking and wrapping presents for Sean and I am usually disappointed - just as I am this year. Sean bought me Glee season 2 which I did want and then a trench coat. Not just any trench coat but a "techie" one with a bunch of pockets for all your gadgets. I hated it, and it is about 2 sizes too small. Sean suggested that we go shopping tomorrow for a new gift. I hate shopping and boxing day is awful to shop on, and picking my own present....why should I bother.

I spent the day crying, not that is unusual but I would rather not spend my Christmas crying my eyes out. Unfortunately I do that almost every year. I thought this year might be different, we finally have money again and so I was hopeful. I should give up on hope.

With all our marital issues lately I thought that Sean might actually outdo himself. Yes, we have a budget but I went way over budget so that I could get him a new wedding band. I made sure everything that I bought he would like if not love....

Yes, I am a spoiled brat.... and I still hate Christmas.

Sometimes life just gets worse!

2011-10-01T23:04:00.000-06:00

We are not on speaking terms with Sean's mother. She is not to have contact with Robbie.

Imagine my anger when I found out that she went to visit Robbie at school! I told Sean that he could email her or I could see about getting a restraining order on her to stay away from Robbie. It was so inappropriate for her to go and visit Robbie when she knew she was not to. She has not responded to Sean's email which I am really not surprised by.

I am still furious but I am not surprised that she would do this.

Count Your Many Blessings

2011-09-11T20:41:00.001-06:00

The title of this post comes from a church Hymn that we sang today. Today is also the 10th anniversary of 9-11. I think it is fitting to remind myself of the blessings in my life.

Sean. Sean is my biggest blessing. Having a loving spouse that supports me is a blessing that I never thought I would have. Knowing that Sean loves me even with all my faults is a comfort to me. There are times when I am in a deep depression that I will tell him to divorce me, he always tells me no.
Robbie. When I was 16 I was told that I would never get pregnant without medical help and even then I would probably never have a baby. Robbie is a blessing that is so special to me. All my life I wanted to be a mommy and with Robbie I am.
My family. I admit that there is often times that my family drives me crazy. I really do like living far away from them so that I don't have to interact on a daily basis. However, I do love my family and love hearing from them.
Canada. I am a proud Canadian. I love living in a country that allows for people's differences, actually embraces those differences. I love living in a country where I will not go bankrupt due to my need of healthcare. I love that I have a freedom to travel, learn and love. I love watching the Olympics and feel great pride is seeing our flag raised and our National Anthem played.
My health. I have a lot of health issues but the biggest blessing is that I am still alive. Yes, I am diabetic, I suffer from depression, allergies, asthma and infertility. However my health is so much better then so many others.
Food, shelter and clothing. We have so many choices in these areas. When I think of third world nations and the hardships that people there go through I am embarrassed by our wealth. We do not have a ton of money but we have more then our needs fulfilled, we even have some of our wants fulfilled.
Friends. I have a few very close friends and then a lot of acquaintances. The friends that I have that I am close to are special to me. They give me strength and support in ways that they probably never know about.

Count Your Blessings

When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings; name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

[Chorus]
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your blessings;
See what God hath done.
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings;
See what God hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings; ev’ry doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold.
Count your many blessings; money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged; God is over all.
Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Text: Johnson Oatman, Jr., 1856–1922
Music: Edwin O. Excell, 1851–1921

Horrible Mommy

2011-09-04T12:04:00.000-06:00

I fear I am becoming like my birthmom. I lose control when Robbie gets whiney. I just can't handle it. I yell, threaten, sometimes I spank - not hard but I still hate spanking.

Today he was miserable and I lost it. Then Sean decided to point out to me that I lot it. Just what I need when I am feeling horrible is him agreeing that I am a horrible mother.

I really don't know how to change things. I took a parenting class and was doing better but then I got too stressed out. Right now I feel like throwing up all day, every day. I have taken preg tests and they are negative so my conclusion is that I feel so sick because of the stress. I am leaving the bank on Friday - not a moment too soon if you ask me.

I hate feeling like this. I hate being like this. I need help but don't know where to turn to.

42!

2011-08-20T22:30:00.000-06:00

I have lots of things to catch up on. I find that every time I open my blog I see the posts about my miscarriage and then do not feel like writing anything.

Today is my birthday. I had a great day with Robbie and Sean. I was spoiled and loved my presents. Best of all was having a quiet supper with Sean.

Now I am the answer to "life, the universe and everything!"

D&C

2011-04-07T12:32:00.000-06:00

All my life when seeing the acronym D&C I have always changed it in my mind to "Doctrine & Covenants". Now my mind does not do that any more. When I am reading something and I see D&C, even though I know it is referring to a scripture my mind automatically goes to remembering my precious baby.

It was my choice to have an immediate D&C done. I could not imagine the pain of waiting for the baby to pass through my body. A D&C is not for everyone but I am grateful that I had that option. I am also grateful for the OB who did the surgery rubbing my hand and holding it while I went to sleep. It was very sweet of her and it helped.

I will never forget my little angel.

No More Baby (TMI alert)

2011-04-03T20:21:00.000-06:00

This post is hard to write and I am sure it will be hard to read.

Oh thursday, March 31st, I had an ultrasound for dating my pregnancy as my doctor thought the dates were off. We were floored to find out that the baby had died and a miscarriage was going to happen. Friday I saw my OB and he arranged a D&C as I thought that I could not go through the process naturally. Friday night I started gushing blood. I went to the ER, eventually the bleeding stopped (my cervix was still closed) and it was up to me to wait until Tuesday or have the surgery on Saturday. I could not wait any longer, I needed the pain meds to deal with the contractions and so I opted to have the surgery right away.

Physically I am fine, emotionally I and the whole family are a wreck.

I keep thinking that I should have asked to see the baby on the u/s...is that sick? I really want to know what my baby looked like. Too late now.

Betas!

2011-03-10T17:39:00.000-07:00

March 4 - 2477
March 6 - 4026
March 8 - 6400

What do those numbers mean??? It means I am definitely pregnant and the baby is doing great!

Update again...

2011-03-06T13:54:00.000-07:00

Well, it looks like either the dates are wrong or it is my body being silly. Either way, things are looking better. I had beta tests (blood hcg tests) on friday and today. I will get the results some time tomorrow. I hope all is well but I am sure that it is ok.

No Heartbeat

2011-03-02T15:09:00.000-07:00

I posted this on my pregnancy forum, and also sent it to Sean in an email. I am supposed to be 7 weeks 1 day pregnant.

crying my eyes out. there is no heartbeat, no fetal pole, there is a empty sack. The radiologist is going to look at my blood work to see if my numbers are low. They said that I might not be as far along and only be 4 weeks but that does not work with what my family doctor is saying. My heart is breaking.

So Many Blessings

2011-02-20T10:46:00.001-07:00

Today is the 4th anniversary of the death of my dad. I am so lucky to know that I will see him again one day. I feel his love today as I took a HPT. It had been 42 days since my last period. My body doesn't like HPTs and I am happy to say that today the HPT loved me. Two pink lines up in the time period. The second line is faint but a line is a line. I will test again tomorrow with a better test but I am 5weeks 5 days pregnant!!!

Laughing on the Outside, Crying on the Inside

2011-02-02T14:09:00.000-07:00

My heart is totally breaking. Robbie told his kindergarten teacher today that I had a baby boy yesterday. She emailed me congratulations and asked me the name. It breaks my heart that Robbie wants to be a big brother so badly that he would make up stories. He is such a sweet child and would make an awesome big brother. I know life is not fair but I want to give my son the things he wants. Wanting a sibling is not a bad thing. I want to give him a sibling but so far my body has not co-operated.

After Robbie's 6th birthday we will try and start the adoption classes.

Please Heavenly Father, make it possible for my sweet boy to be a big brother.

2011 Goals

2011-01-16T13:51:00.000-07:00

I am a little bit late getting to post this but better late then never! And I don't feel two bad, I am still in January!

Taken from 2010 (and this time do it), use Listerine every time I brush, I have gingivitis and it needs to go away!
Move more. Whether walking, using the Wii Fit or swimming I need to get moving. My weight is slowly going down and if I exercise more
Drink more water! We are not buying pop (unless I am really sick like last weekend), we buy some juice but pretty much everything at home is water! I am trying to just have water at work as well.
Spend more time with Robbie. With getting home from work so late it is hard to spend much time with Robbie during the week (besides bedtime stories). I need to find time to spend some mommy time with my big little boy.
Cleaning the house. I need to find a routine that works for me so that I do not feel our house is a disaster all the time.

2010 Goals in Review

2011-01-16T13:44:00.000-07:00

More date nights with my hubby. I would like to have at least one a month. We started off good having a date night on January 1st. This one went mostly as planned. We did not have a date every month in the sense that we went out and did something just the two of us. While we did go out more then in 2009 the most important thing is we spent time talking to each other about important things and reminding each other how much we love each other.
Using Listerine every time I brush my teeth. I hate the stuff but I know it really makes a difference. This one was a huge fail. Still have an almost full bottle of the stuff from last January.
Turning off the computer at 7pm to start getting Robbie ready for bed. Apparently it bothers Sean when I am late getting Robbie to bed. I did really well at getting Robbie to be on time.
Attend church more regularly. Going to church has been hard for me, it is so hard being a part-member family. Robbie loves Primary and I really need to see that he attends. Did not achieve this one as the pelvic pain made it too hard to sit at church. I went when I was having good days but I missed a lot of church.
Stop obsessing about another baby. I am slowly accepting that my body is not co-operating with me and I am not going to get pregnant. We really cant afford to adopt a newborn and right now are not in a place to adopt an older child. I will just have to wait and be patient for our family to grow. I was doing so well with this one until August... at that time I met with Dr. U (who did my surgery) and he said from my test results that he thought that I could conceive again. Obsession started again. I had my surgery December 6th and we have started trying for another baby. We have decided that if I am not pregnant by Robbie's 6th birthday or I get another cyst that will be the end.
Showing Sean how much I love him. I tell him all the time but I feel that I dont always show my love by my actions. I never want him to doubt my love for him. I feel that I have done this. Sean knows that I love him and I have tried to show him by little things. We have had many talks about our feelings and what we love about the other person.

2010 has been a good year overall. I was frustrated with my health and all the problems that presented. I was put on a job waiting list for the Canada Revenue Agency, I have decided that when I am offered a position that I will say "no". It is more money but the bank is good to work for, and do I really want to go back to a call centre? I feel that Sean and I have become closer together as a couple. We have had a few rough patches but we have weathered them and become stronger. Robbie started school and loves it. I have many blessings in my life! I can honestly say today that life is good!

Surgery Update

2010-12-20T15:00:00.000-07:00

Since it has been almost two weeks since the surgery I think it is time to update.

From the moment I came home I felt better then I thought I would. I was sore but not in pain. It was a great feeling! By the saturday I was out of the house. I didn't do much, sat around while Sean grocery shopped. I was out driving myself about 4 days post-op. Within a week I was off pain meds! What a nice feeling.

As of today I am feeling good. I tire easily at times but I am trying to pace myself better.

I will be going back to work January 3rd, unless the insurance company fights me on it.

Surgery

2010-12-04T16:14:00.000-07:00

As I have posted (way too many times) I have been in pain for what seems forever. I had surgery booked for February 9th. On thursday I received a call from my surgeon's office, would I like to have my surgery on December 8th? I was saying "yes" before the nurse could finish :D

Unfortunately that is Robbie's Christmas concert but I will try and see the morning session and Sean will video the evening one for me.

I am excited to have the surgery done but I am nervous as well. I have not slept well the last few nights as I contemplate what can happen. The most important thing is to verify what is wrong, probably endometriosis, and get it fixed. I keep wondering though what if the doctor was to find nothing? Crazy I know but I still think it.

The surgeon that will be doing the laprascopy thinks I can get pregnant right away. Sean and I talked about it and we will try for another baby until Robbie's birthday. If I am not pregnant then we will give up on having another baby and will go ahead with adoption.

3 more sleeps until the surgery, good thing I am done Christmas shopping!

Kindergarten Update

2010-10-14T00:23:00.000-06:00

This post is a long time in coming but here it is.

Robbie started his new school on the Thursday (September 16th), the night before was Meet the Teacher night which we went to. Robbie met his new teacher and the Educational Assistant for his class. Both women were friendly and inviting to Robbie. Even earlier on the 15th when I had talked to the Principal I had a good feeling about the school. Robbie is happy and doing well. He enjoys school and is the only student in his class reading on his own!

We received a phone call from the Principal of the old school after she read the email sent to the School Board Trustee (who forwarded the email to the Superintendent). The Principal had no idea that there had been no communication between us and the teacher. She was very upset about this and had a meeting with both the VP and the teacher involved. She also had a meeting with all the staff letting them know that this is not to happen again! She apologized that Robbie had such a bad start to school. Sean feels a little guilty thinking that if we had asked to speak to the Principal about everything that Robbie could have stayed in the program. I think that it is good that we pulled him when we did. It would have been a hostile environment and I would not want that for Robbie.

Robbie loves his class and knows lots of the kids. I am on the Parents Activity Committee as Vice-Chair and part of the Parents' Society as Vice-Chair. The school is 2 blocks away and we are happy how things turned out.

Going Pink for October

2010-09-30T18:29:00.000-06:00

October is Breast Cancer awareness month so I am going pink.

I found a lump when I was 29, I was so scared, it all turned out ok. It was a cyst. Ever since then I have been more aware of Breast Cancer and programs for raising awareness.

Go Pink!

I Feel Like a Failure

2010-09-14T20:08:00.000-06:00

Robbie was in a specialized Kindergarten class. Every morning he was excited to go to school. Every afternoon he would tell us all the things he liked about school. Apparently he was crying in class due to frustration, he was not getting his work done on time and would have times that sitting still was hard. Sounds like a normal Kindergarten kid to me. We were never told any of this. Homework that came home came back with "good job" stamps. It did say that he needed to slow down and concentrate with his work. I had also let the school know that we were dealing with a death in the family and that Robbie was reacting to that.

Robbie is reading at a grade 2-3 level, he understands science concepts at a grade 4-5 level yet he has been kicked out of Kindergarten!!!!!

We were called into the Vice-Principal's office tonight having no idea what was going on. After she gave her spiel that it was Robbie's best interest they were looking out for (which I don't believe). She took us to Robbie's classroom so he could show Daddy. While we were in there his teacher came to the door, saw us and walked away without even saying "hello". I think that is what made me the most angry. I found that so RUDE!

Because it is an alternative program we have no action to take. The school makes the rules of who to take and who to keep. This is so wrong.

It was so hard explaining to Robbie that he would be going to a different school. We are trying to keep our disappointment out of it so that Robbie does not think he did something wrong.

I have been crying my eyes out for the last hour. I have failed my baby!

Rest in Peace Nanny

2010-09-11T14:50:00.000-06:00

My Nanny died last Saturday, she was my last living grandparent. I only met my Nanny when I was 26? Weird? Yes, but you see this is my biological grandma. Since I was adopted in the '70s there was not such thing as "Open Adoption" because of this I have no memories of my Nanny from before. My middle name is Edith after my Nanny (Margaret comes from my other birth-grandmother).

What I do remember about Nanny is that she was loving and supportive. Nanny would give someone the "shirt off her back" if she thought that they needed it. The one thing that I loved about meeting Nanny was learning some of my South African heritage. My great-grandma was from Cape Colony (now Cape Town). I was also able to see the house where my birth-mother grew up in, I actually slept in her old bedroom one night. Nanny also gave me some things that she made and some doilies that my great-grandmother made. I treasure these things.

On a trip for a Family Reunion I took Sean and Robbie to meet my grandma. I am so glad that she was able to meet my son and husband. She told me that she was glad that I was happy.

Nanny, I will miss you!

Edith Florence "Flo" CORY

April 16, 1923 - September 4, 2010

Obituary:

(Member of Pine Ridge Bible Chapel)
Passed peacefully on Saturday September 4, 2010 at Lakeridge Health Oshawa. Florence in her 88th year. Dear wife of the late Roy Thomas Cory. Loving mother of Doreen Benford (the late Ken), the late Donna Norris (Mike), Delia Aldsworth (Stan), Cindy MacDonald (Tim), Donald Cory (Evelyn), Gordon Cory (Beverly), Marion Glazier (Ralph) and predeceased by June Lightizer. Beloved grandmother of 20, great-grandmother of 30, and great-great-grandmother of 1. Survived by sisters Connie, Sandra, Bev and brothers Harry and Bob. Relatives and friends may call at MCINTOSH-ANDERSON FUNERAL HOME LTD., 152 King Street East, Oshawa (905-433-5558) on Thursday from 2:00 to 4:00 pm and 7:00 to 9:00 pm. A service will be held in the chapel on Friday, September 10, 2010 at 1:00 pm. Interment Groveside Cemetery. Donations in memory of Florence made to the Pine Ridge Bible Chapel or the Heart and Stroke Foundation would be appreciated by her family.

Because I Have Been Given Much

2010-08-21T18:04:00.000-06:00

This is the post that I have been thinking about for weeks.

The title comes from one of my favourite hymns. I will post the words of the song at the bottom.

I have so many health issue
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN MUCH...
I live in a time and place of many health advances to help me become healthier.

I had a rough start to life, living in an abusive environment
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN MUCH...
I was taken from that situation and raised by parents who loved me, I was given siblings that I love and who have taught me so much.

I suffer from infertility
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN MUCH...
I have a sweet little boy that starts Kindergarten in two weeks. Robbie is a sweet part of our family who brings much love and joy to our home.

I am on sick leave from work
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN MUCH...
I am still able to support our family with short-term disability insurance. While we don't have as much money as we want, we have enough for our needs.

I thought that I would never find love
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN MUCH...
I have a loving husband who is very support of me and loves me unconditionally (even if we have our moments at time).

I am pretty much an orphan
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN MUCH...
I had parents that loved me, and while my mom might not totally remember me I have had my parents for almost 40 years.

At times I feel old
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN MUCH...
I have lived longer then some of my friends and loved ones.

I have had many jobs
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN MUCH...
I have rarely been unemployed in my adult life allowing me to be self-sufficient, I now have a job I love and I have been put on a hiring list for a job with the government.

I am in constant pain
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN MUCH...
I have medication that helps and doctors who are working to getting me better.

There are many blessings that I have that I need to remember at times, this seems to be a time to remember what I have.

BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN MUCH...

Because I have been given much, I too must give.
Because of thy great bounty, Lord each day I live.
I shall divide my gifts from thee with every brother that I see,
who has the need of help from me.

Because I have been sheltered, fed by thy good care…
I cannot see another’s lack and I not share
-my glowing fire, my loaf of bread-my roof’s safe shelter over head,
that he too may be comforted.

Because I have been blessed by thy great love dear Lord,
I’ll share thy love again according to thy word.
I shall give love to those in need. I’ll show that love by word and deed,
thus shall my thanks be thanks indeed.

Adoption

2010-08-13T22:20:00.000-06:00

On Tuesday Sean and I are going to an adoption information session. I was under the impression that there was a waiting list for the adoption classes and such and have since found out in Edmonton there is no waiting list. We will still attend the session and take our time with the paperwork and such. Of course we are not doing anything until I have surgery and know what is going on with my body.

Upset (pretty much a vent)

2010-08-03T22:35:00.000-06:00

I have a post that I have been thinking about posting for a few weeks... this is not it.

As I had blogged before I have had pelvic pain since January 28th. I finally have a gyno that is going to do something about it. I was supposed to see him last tuesday, instead I woke up with what felt like a heart attack. Sean wasn't happy about it (knowing I would miss my appointment) but as I could barely breathe and movement wasn't really an option he called 911. I had a few scares at the hospital, when 5mg of morphine doesn't help the pain you need to worry. Blood work came back positive for blood clots, the doctor did say the test was very sensitive and he still thought that it was a torn muscle in my chest he couldn't risk my life. I has a CAT scan of my lungs. It was all clear. A torn muscle in my chest is doable, a blood clot in my lung, not so much.

On the tuesday I had also missed an appointment with my family doctor. I also had forms for him for work accommodation. Work was trying to find ways to help me deal with the pain, well my doctor had other ideas. The pain meds which I have been on are very strong, they are not working all the time because I am doing too much. It is hard not to do too much because I never know what will set of an attack. Anyways, he pretty much put me on bed rest, very little walking, no lifting. It pretty much sucks. Good thing I like reading.

Now comes why I am upset. On tuesday afternoons Sean takes Robbie to a program and drops him off for 90 minutes. Not far from the program is the mall where we used to work at Convergys. There is a donair place there that we both like so I suggested we eat a late lunch there. And that is what I did. Sean got mad at me for having a donair when he wasn't (he apparently ate lunch with Robbie), he was also mad at me for talking away his "alone time". Oh course he did not tell me this for a long time and then only because I emailed him saying how upset I was and I blamed myself for his bad mood when he wouldn't talk to me.

This has gotten me pretty upset. We have little time together which is just going to get worse in a few weeks when he is back at school. I thought I was doing a nice thing driving the two of them to the program. As we had talked about this several days ago he could have said at any time he didn't want me to take them. I have spent time today crying. When Sean tries to kiss my cheek I really try not to turn away (but I do). I really do not want to crawl in bed beside him tonight. If I could sleep on the couch and not be in pain I would. I am crying once again.

I am so frustrated. I hate taking the pain meds all the time and worse I hate what this is doing to my family.

FIVE YEARS OLD!

2010-06-26T21:32:00.005-06:00

Five years in pictures.....

On Sunday, June 26, 2005 at 12:25 am a little man was born. We named him Robert John Henderson and he has been a joy to have in our lives.

First time mommy gets to hold Robbie in the NICU. Robbie is about 8 hours old.

First Birthday Party! This is actually the day before Robbie's first birthday but I love the picture. His birthday party was a family barbeque. Lots of fun was had.

Second Birthday was actually spent on the road. We left on the day of his birthday to move to Ontario to be closer to my family.

Third Birthday. A few days before the actual day, so far the only birthday celebrated with my family.

Fourth Birthday. Our little man is getting so big. He is learning so much.

Fifth Birthday. Robbie was spoiled with 3 parties (one with Nana Henderson, one with friends and one with family). Robbie enjoyed his special day. He is growing so big and so smart.

Robbie is a sweet, loving boy. We love him so much and are thankful for the blessing he is in our lives. Happy Birthday sweet boy!

Jealousy

2010-05-10T13:26:00.004-06:00

I admit it! I am jealous!

My niece is pregnant with twins. She is a single mother of a 4.5 year old boy. I know she has been heavily drinking while being pregnant. She is not with the father. I suspect she got pregnant on purpose trying to get the father to stay with her. It has been an up/down relationship almost from the beginning.

Why does she get to be pregnant when I am married, have a good job and am able to support another child, and cant get pregnant. It is so not fair! Sean always tells me life is not fair but this really sucks! Infertility is the worst thing to deal with.

Yes, I know I can adopt. Yes, I know that I am lucky to have Robbie. None of that changes that fact that I want another baby. There is no way we can afford private adoption and so the only way to go is public. I am not scared of public adoption, heck I came through the system. What I dont like is not having the possibility of a newborn.

I really hate my life right now. Sean has held me while I have cried about wanting another baby. He has apologized for making me wait to have a baby. There is nothing that would support that if I had Robbie earlier that I could have had another baby. The problems I am having now may just have started earlier.

I HATE feeling like this. A friend just had twins, maybe I should ask her if she wants someone to hold one for a bit.

Sorry this post is so down. This has been on my mind for a few days.

This and That

2010-04-14T16:13:00.003-06:00

Lots of different things going on in our home.

I am back at work. This week I am part-time and then next week I go back full-time. I am doing ok pain-wise. Once again the diagnosis was wrong I DO NOT have a bladder infection. My doctor thinks I may have a disease called Interstitial Cystitis. I see the Urologist on June 9th.

Robbie goes for his school immunizations on June 9th. I go for my tetanus booster then too. It is getting so close to Robbie starting school! May 3rd is the date of the lottery for the program that we want Robbie to get into. I really don't like that it is a random lottery. We have no doubt that he will pass the testing, he is way above the minimum requirements. Robbie is reading, doing math (including easy multiplication!), his vocabulary is huge. We have a smart cookie.

Sean will be staying home with Robbie for the summer. We figured that Sean's income wouldn't help a lot in the long run but his spending 4 months with Robbie is such a huge thing for Robbie.

Things are going pretty well in my life. The depression seems to be controlled. I am still struggling with a few things. Sean is back and forth with Robbie and church. The latest is Robbie going to church, but I know once I start taking Robbie to church Sean will be upset again. I really need to pray about it, not that I have been praying lately, I need to do better.

Easter Memories

2010-04-05T15:09:00.005-06:00

The earliest Easter memory that I have occurred before my adoption. I was "back home" (aka living with my birth mother). Children's Aid had given all 4 of us Easter baskets (I have no idea how I knew it was Children's Aid, I would have been 3). I dragged my basket EVERYWHERE! When I talked to my birth sisters about this memory they said I probably dragged the basket everywhere so they (my sisters) wouldn't eat my candy.

My next Easter memory was not so pleasant. I was 7. My sister Grace had made me a treasure hunt with clues to find my Easter presents (Grace has ALWAYS spoiled me). After finding everything I went to show my mom what the Easter Bunny had brought me. It was then my mom told me that my parents were getting a divorce. Thanks for ruining Easter mom! The other kids would come into the room to find out why I was crying. My parents told the 7 year old first!

The next Easter that I have memories of I was about 21. My dad decided that for Good Friday everyone was going to the zoo. What a big crowd that was! It was crazy, all the kids, babies. etc. The funniest part is when we got to the Lion enclosure. The Lion's were mating, my nieces and nephews all asked what was happening. They were told to "ask grampa". My dad was quite embarrassed. The idea of going to the zoo every Good Friday just did not catch on.

This Easter was cute. Robbie is very into any holiday, Easter was no exception. Robbie wanted to know where the Easter Bunny lived. I asked him where he thought the Easter Bunny lived. Robbie decided that the Easter Bunny lived on a planet called "Leapon" and it took 5 days by a special chocolate rocket ship to get to Earth. Pretty smart little guy! What was also funny is we decided to put coins in Robbie's eggs. I went to Sean to get some change. All he had was nine cents. Luckily Sean's friends were over and they gave Robbie some more money.

Waiting to see what the Easter Bunny brought:

The Loot:

"I am shooting my mom if she shows this when I am a teenager"

My Sweet Boy

2010-03-25T16:01:00.004-06:00

Robbie is learning to be careful with mommy's tummy as it is sore. He is 4.5 though and like most kids his age loves crawling on mommy and daddy for hugs. Robbie has heard to many "ouchs, ughs and such" lately. He is always sorry when he hurts mommy and I know that it is an accident.

Last night I had a really rough night. I woke up in pain and had to take extra meds. This morning when Sean and Robbie were ready to leave for the day they came in and gave me kisses. I was pretty out of it so I am not sure if I said something about pain or if Robbie bumped my tummy. All that I do know is that Robbie left his turtle to comfort mommy.

Robbie's stuffed turtle was a first birthday gift from Clarke and Cecelia Dyer. Actually the turtle he has now is a replacement of the original that got lost on our move back to Edmonton. Anyways, Turtle (that is his name) is Robbie's baby/brother/best friend. Turtle is who Robbie turns to when hugs and kisses from mommy and daddy are not enough to ease the pain. Turtle sleeps with Robbie every night (along with his blanky). Turtle is Robbie's best friend.

When I woke up hours later I did not remember about Turtle being in bed with me. I rolled over and something was under me. I jumped. When I saw that Turtle was lying there on our bed I remembered my sweet little son wanting mommy to feel better. What a sweet boy giving his mommy something that makes him feel better.

I love Robbie so much.

Turtle and Robbie

Sick Leave

2010-03-17T14:43:00.003-06:00

I have been dealing with chronic pelvic pain since January 28th. It is not fun. The pain is at an all-time high being worse then the gall stones which up to now has been the hardest pain to deal with. I have made 5 (yes five) trips to the ER, one was more for bleeding although the pain was bad as well.

Until recently I had not had a period since December 12th. Not fun! I finally started back on birth control pills on February 7th to force the issue. At that point I had a bunch of blood pregnancy tests all come back negative. I also had an ultra sound come back negative for any cysts (which is what we thought was the problem).

Included in the 5 trips to the hospital were two rides in ambulances, really not a fun experience.

On monday I FINALLY saw my OB/GYN. I have a diagnosis. I have a very severe bladder infection complicated by my diabetes. Dr Chua said that the pain would feel like labour (I think it is worse then labour) and I will be on antibiotics for at least a month but possibly 3-4 months to get rid of this. Apparently it is common in diabetics after giving birth AND under-diagnosed.

I see Dr Fontyne (family doc) to keep him posted on what is happening. I really hope this is the answer because I am tired of feeling this way. I want to go back to work. I LIKE my job and miss being there.

I Believe

2010-02-20T18:55:00.001-07:00

I love this song.

Valentine's Day

2010-02-15T18:33:00.004-07:00

When I was single I HATED Valentine's day. I always felt so alone and like everyone else was part of a couple. And then I met Sean. When Sean and I met I had no intention of getting involved with him. I had just broken up with someone who I thought I would marry and was scared to go out with anyone. A friend talked me into asking Sean out for a Valentine's dance that was taking place on February 16th.

I finally gave in and asked Sean out. He surprised me by showing up to work to take me out to dinner on Valentine's day. He brought me Laura Secord chocolates (yum). We spent the night talking and cuddling, sharing kisses. I felt like I was quickly falling in love and I was scared. That was 9 years ago.

This year, Sean again bought me Laura Secord chocolates (they are so yummy). The past nine years have been amazing! I love Sean so much more now then I ever thought possible.

I also have my little Valentine. Robbie was so into Valentine's this year. He was so excited about it. Robbie went with daddy to buy mommy a special present. Robbie gave it to me in the ER (while I was waiting to see Dr Chua regarding what we thought was a cyst - turns out to be a severe bladder infection), it was a Dora the Explorer pin that flashes lights. He was so proud to give it to me.

I love my "boys".

OLYMPIC FEVER

2010-02-13T19:29:00.004-07:00

I am a huge, huge fan of the Olympics. I am so proud to be part of the host nation. No, I do not live in Vancouver but I feel the pride of my country. When I see Canadians doing their best I get tears in my eyes. I cry when I see the flag rising and hear our national anthem.

I loved the Slam Poem, reprinted here:

We Are More

by Shane Koyczan

When defining Canada

you might list some statistics

you might mention our tallest building

or biggest lake

you might shake a tree in the fall

and call a red leaf Canada

you might rattle off some celebrities

might mention Buffy Sainte-Marie

might even mention the fact that we've got a few

Barenaked Ladies

or that we made these crazy things

like zippers

electric cars

and washing machines

when defining Canada

it seems the world's anthem has been

" been there done that"

and maybe that's where we used to be at

it's true

we've done and we've been

we've seen

all the great themes get swallowed up by the machine

and turned into theme parks

but when defining Canada

don't forget to mention that we have set sparks

we are not just fishing stories

about the one that got away

we do more than sit around and say "eh?"

and yes

we are the home of the Rocket and the Great One

who inspired little number nines

and little number ninety-nines

but we're more than just hockey and fishing lines

off of the rocky coast of the Maritimes

and some say what defines us

is something as simple as please and thank you

and as for you're welcome

well we say that too

but we are more

than genteel or civilized

we are an idea in the process

of being realized

we are young

we are cultures strung together

then woven into a tapestry

and the design

is what makes us more

than the sum total of our history

we are an experiment going right for a change

with influences that range from a to zed

and yes we say zed instead of zee

we are the colours of Chinatown and the coffee of Little Italy

we dream so big that there are those

who would call our ambition an industry

because we are more than sticky maple syrup and clean snow

we do more than grow wheat and brew beer

we are vineyards of good year after good year

we reforest what we clear

because we believe in generations beyond our own

knowing now that so many of us

have grown past what used to be

we can stand here today

filled with all the hope people have

when they say things like "someday"

someday we'll be great

someday we'll be this

or that

someday we'll be at a point

when someday was yesterday

and all of our aspirations will pay the way

for those who on that day

look towards tomorrow

and still they say someday

we will reach the goals we set

and we will get interest on our inspiration

because we are more than a nation of whale watchers and lumberjacks

more than backpacks and hiking trails

we are hammers and nails building bridges

towards those who are willing to walk across

we are the lost-and-found for all those who might find themselves at a loss

we are not the see-through gloss or glamour

of those who clamour for the failings of others

we are fathers brothers sisters and mothers

uncles and nephews aunts and nieces

we are cousins

we are found missing puzzle pieces

we are families with room at the table for newcomers

we are more than summers and winters

more than on and off seasons

we are the reasons people have for wanting to stay

because we are more than what we say or do

we live to get past what we go through

and learn who we are

we are students

students who study the studiousness of studying

so we know what as well as why

we don't have all the answers

but we try

and the effort is what makes us more

we don't all know what it is in life we're looking for

so keep exploring

go far and wide

or go inside but go deep

go deep

as if James Cameron was filming a sequel to The Abyss

and suddenly there was this location scout

trying to figure some way out

to get inside you

because you've been through hell and high water

and you went deep

keep exploring

because we are more

than a laundry list of things to do and places to see

we are more than hills to ski

or countryside ponds to skate

we are the abandoned hesitation of all those who can't wait

we are first-rate greasy-spoon diners and healthy-living cafes

a country that is all the ways you choose to live

a land that can give you variety

because we are choices

we are millions upon millions of voices shouting

" keep exploring... we are more"

we are the surprise the world has in store for you

it's true

Canada is the "what" in "what's new?"

so don't say "been there done that"

unless you've sat on the sidewalk

while chalk artists draw still lifes

on the concrete of a kid in the street

beatboxing to Neil Young for fun

don't say you've been there done that

unless you've been here doing it

let this country be your first-aid kit

for all the times you get sick of the same old same old

let us be the story told to your friends

and when that story ends

leave chapters for the next time you'll come back

next time pack for all the things

you didn't pack for the first time

but don't let your luggage define your travels

each life unravels differently

and experiences are what make up

the colours of our tapestry

we are the true north

strong and free

and what's more

is that we didn't just say it

we made it be.

GO CANADA GO!!!

Rough Going

2010-01-18T20:24:00.003-07:00

I am having a really rough time. I know that one of my goals for the year is to sop obsessing about another baby. I am failing miserably! I am somewhere around day 38 with no period in sight. I have done so many preg tests (I really hate to think how much money I have spent), all are negative. This is just so hard. Once my period finally comes I am going back on the pill forever. I talked to Sean about clomid - he said "no way". I had always said that I wouldn't use fertility drugs the second time around, guess we are sticking with that plan.

I found out some news that is bothering me. I friended an ex on facebook. In so many ways I did't want to know about his life but the earthquake in Haiti really brought him to mind. J is Haitian. Anyways, he has a 16 year old daughter, that means he was a daddy when we were dating! He never told me. The relationship was long-distance so it was easy for him to hide things. I remember him buying presents for his baby "niece".... I am now thinking the presents were for his daughter. I am really bothered by this, I would have still dated him knowing he had a child but not to know... And a little TMI but I went against my values because of this man. It just brings me back to how I felt when we broke up and I had to see my Bishop. Ugh! I am going to de-friend him. I never should have looked him up in the first place.

I hate remembering the mistakes I have made in my life...

Happy New Year!!

2010-01-01T22:20:00.004-07:00

I have been thinking about this post for a few days now. What to write and how to remember 2009?

2009 in Review

I started the year in such a deep depression that I was barely functional. It was a really rough time on our whole family. Sean had to take over doing everything, which he did with little complaint. In March I started the Day Treatment Program, 4.5 months of intense therapy. It was hard, there were many days that I thought I would quit. I made it through, barely. I could have gotten more out of it but the things I did get out of the program are with me still. I feel more confident in my abilities to cope. I learned that I did not have to be a prisoner to depression.

Early on in DPT my mom was placed in a nursing home. I felt so guilty at the time, I know it is the best place for her but I felt bad about it as well. Life can be so hard.

After DPT ended I went back to work. I started back part-time working my way back to full-time over 4 weeks. I really enjoy being back at work. Part of it is probably the fact that I have more responsibility and that my managers like the work I am doing. I would like to go to a PSR position but I think that will be a bit before that happens.

In August I turned 40. I was looking forward to my birthday. I had hated turning 30 but I was fine with 40. Sean teases me a little (he is 5.5 years younger then me) but that is okay. At work I have had a lot of people tell me that they thought I was 30. I never have looked my age.

In September, Sean went back to school. He is studying mechanical engineering at Nait. He will be a technician not an engineer (he needs a degree for that), but he is really happy. His grades are great. I am very proud of my man.

Robbie is growing and learning so much. He is generally a happy, healthy boy. I am so proud of all he does. He is learning to read a few words and he is doing a little addition and subtraction. He can write most of his letters and is starting to draw pictures instead of scribbling.

I love my two men!

The Last Decade (2000-2009) in Review

Sean and I talked about this at dinner tonight. So much happened in our lives in the past 10 years. In 2000 I started work at Convergys, this is important because that is were Sean and I met again. In 2001, Sean and I met, had our first date and got engaged. In 2002, we were married. In 2003, we bought our condo. In 2004, I finally got pregnant with Robbie. In 2005, Robbie was born. In 2006 we went and saw my family in Toronto. In 2007, my dad died, we sold our condo and moved to Peterborough, Ontario. I started school at Fleming College for accounting. In 2008, I had a breakdown, we moved back to Edmonton, I started at the bank and then I had a bigger break down. In 2009, I finally got the help I needed for my depression.

So, lots of good things happened in the last decade. I hope the new one brings lots more good stuff.

Goals for 2010

Not really resolutions, because lets face it, most resolutions are broken.

More date nights with my hubby. I would like to have at least one a month. We started off good having a date night on January 1st.
Using Listerine every time I brush my teeth. I hate the stuff but I know it really makes a difference.
Turning off the computer at 7pm to start getting Robbie ready for bed. Apparently it bothers Sean when I am late getting Robbie to bed.
Attend church more regularly. Going to church has been hard for me, it is so hard being a part-member family. Robbie loves Primary and I really need to see that he attends.
Stop obsessing about another baby. I am slowly accepting that my body is not co-operating with me and I am not going to get pregnant. We really cant afford to adopt a newborn and right now are not in a place to adopt an older child. I will just have to wait and be patient for our family to grow.
Showing Sean how much I love him. I tell him all the time but I feel that I dont always show my love by my actions. I never want him to doubt my love for him.

So, that is my list and I am going to try to update how things are going at the beginning of every month.

May 2010 bring love and blessings to all my friends and family!

Christmas part 2

2009-12-28T19:14:00.003-07:00

I did really well over the holidays. My mood was good and things went well. Christmas dinner was really good (if I can comment on my own cooking). Joyce and Bruce (my mother-in-law and her boyfriend) were only here for 3 hours! Boxing day was good, we went and got groceries and just rested.

Then came Sunday... I am not sure why but I have been having so many dreams of me being pregnant. Not good. Infertility really sucks! Anyways, I could not even drag myself from bed, I spent the day there crying off and on. When I wasn't crying I was sleeping. Sean was great and took munchkin mcgoo (one of my names for the boy) and went out, giving me some time to myself. I was going to make supper but fell asleep.

Today was much better. I felt rested and not so down. We went to the Telus World of Science and had a great family day. Tomorrow it is back to work for me (3 days this week) and daycare for Robbie while Sean starts looking for a summer job.

Christmas Time

2009-12-23T19:43:00.005-07:00

Christmas is a hard holiday for me. It generally makes me depressed. This year Robbie is so into things that I hope it will be better.

I am trying to remember the "reason for the season" this year and so I am going to share my favourite Christmas carol.

O Holy Night

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming,
Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friends.
He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
His power and glory ever more proclaim!

Frustrated

2009-12-07T14:49:00.003-07:00

Robbie's well-child check up was good. He is 35.8lbs and 41". Doc said he is healthy.

We did talk about me for a bit. My doc wants to wait until cyst #3 (in this round) or for me to see Dr Chua (my pcos doc) before putting me back on the pill. I want to cry! I still have no period in site - last one was October 15th. I hope I get back in to see Dr. Chua soon. I hate that I needed a new referral to see him.

I had my flu and h1n1 shots today, I am starting to get a headache but I think that is more due to being on the computer for too long. I think I will take some tylenol and rest for a bit before I pick up Robbie.

Oh yeah, I bought a "sexy" nightie not that we really need any help in that area but I figured we have been married for 7.5 years and it was time to get some lingerie.

Oh yeah, my doctor said that if I would just get pregnant then I would stop having the cysts for 9 months! I know he didnt mean anything by it but still....

No More Babies!

2009-12-06T16:29:00.004-07:00

On wednesday as I was coming home from work I started to feel pain. Not a good thing! I waited at home for a bit and then decided to head to Emerg. I had to wait quite a bit and then I was taken in to see the doctor. I eventually got some drugs and blood tests. I am not pregnant (not that I thought I was). The other tests were good. The doc ordered an ultrasound and sent me home with pain meds. I had the ultrasound on friday and then had to go back to Emerg. The doctor confirmed that there was a cyst on the left side (the pain was on the right). Home with more pain meds. The doc and the resident both said that they thought I needed to go back on the pill. In other words, no more trying for a baby!

Sean and I had already talked about it. I knew what was coming but I still sat there and cried. Once I came home I cried some more. I am so sad. I know that having another baby would be difficult but I feel like my body has betrayed me. I hate having PCOS, it is so not fair (of course Sean reminds me that life is not fair). Someone (I dont remember who) said that things are better this way, another baby might have had health issues or whatever. I dont care! The baby would be mine! My heart feels broken. It is going to take so much time to get over this.

I take Robbie to the doctor tomorrow (4 year check up) and I am going to see if he can talk to me for a few minutes. I guess I will be going on the pill whenever my period decides to show up again.

Bleh!

Vacation is Over!

2009-11-18T19:09:00.003-07:00

Tomorrow I go back to work after being off for 8 days. Yuck! I didnt get as much done as I wanted to. I need to get more cleaning done then I did.

I did get Robbie's hair re-cut today. He had it cut 2 weeks ago and the lady did a horrible job so I took him to the salon where I get my hair done. Much better. I need to get a picture of it, he is in bed so not tonight.

Next saturday (the 28th) we are finally getting our family pictures done as well as Robbie's 4th birthday ones. We also have Bruce's 90th birthday party (Bruce is Sean's mom's boyfriend), we are glad to have an excuse to be late.

Spa Day

2009-11-16T19:10:00.003-07:00

My spa day actually started on Wednesday, November 11th. I went to make an appointment to get my hair done and while I was there I found out that my favourite "waxer" was there. I got my face waxed, it had been awhile so it was nice to get it done

Thursday I went and got my hair coloured and cut. I absolutely love it! Here is a picture.

Then Friday came. I took Robbie to daycare and then went to the Spa. First was a full body massage. It was so wonderful. It felt much longer then an hour, not that it was bad, very relaxing. We did find a few tender spots but when I was done I felt so good. Next was my facial. I had never had a professional facial before. It felt really, really nice. I am not sure what all was done but it felt good. Next was my pedicure, I LOVE getting peridcures. My feet feel so nice afterwards. Robbie keeps asking why I have purple toes : ) I then had a light lunch. After lunch was my manicure. I am not so big on manicures, mostly because I chip my nails too easily (case in point, my nail polish chipped today) but it was still nice to have done. Again Robbie questions my purple nails. I was at the spa from 9-3! I left feeling really nice and pampered. It was a wonderful birthday gift.

Sean is a wonderful and very thoughtful husband. It was so nice to have a day to feel pampered and spoiled. I will have to come up with something very special for his 40th, of course I have 6 years to prepare!

Friday night and all day saturday I went to a Parenting Toddlers and Preschoolers class. I learned some ways to be a better mommy.

On Turning 40

2009-09-04T20:50:00.003-06:00

It was funny how I didn't mind turning 40. I actually looked forward to it. I didn't want to turn 30 but 40 I was ok with. Maybe it is because my life is so much more settled now. I am married to a wonderful husband and I have a beautiful son. Life is pretty good.

Sean bought me a spa package for my birthday. I am so spoiled. Joyce (my mother-in-law) bought me some clothes for work (she took me shopping). I also received gift cards for Walmart and the movies.

I tried to have a birthday party but that was a flop. Only one of my friends showed up and 4 of Sean's (who come here every saturday night anyways). I was pretty upset but I am mostly over it now.

Robbie's First Dentist Appointment

2009-09-04T20:29:00.003-06:00

On August 25th Robbie had his first dentist appointment. Mommy was at work so daddy made sure to take some pictures. Robbie was a little scared of the chair moving so they didn't tilt it back. The dentist basically just counted Robbie's teeth and noticed that there are no signs of any cavities. I later asked Robbie how many teeth he has and he told me 10!

Welcome Madison Jean

2009-08-08T21:07:00.003-06:00

Welcome to the family little one. My newest great niece has arrived! Madison Jean was born this morning at about 6:30am. She weighed 6lbs, 4oz and was 19". Madison arrived after about 4 hours of labour. Kira and baby are doing great. I cant wait to see pictures of this little one. Each baby is so special. I am pleased that Kira and Dan honoured my sister Edith by using her middle name. I miss Edith so much but at times like this I feel her close.

Work Again

2009-08-08T14:19:00.003-06:00

So, I have now finished my 3 weeks of part-time and go full-time on monday. I am not totally thrilled with my hours 10-6 but I cant complain too much. If I drive to Bonnie Doon mall then I am home around 6:30 and Sean has dinner ready for me.

I really need to work on exercising as I want to start trying for another baby. Sean said that I have to be exercising in order for him to agree to another child.

Sean will be starting at Nait in a few weeks. I am really excited for him. It will be a tough two years financially but we will get through it. Luckily if I do get pregnant the bank tops up my salary. We will also qualify for daycare subsidy again so that will help with expenses.

Right now I am waiting to hear that Kira has had her baby girl. I cant wait to hear her name. I really want to go to Utah and see them all. I havent been to Utah since Edith died 18 years ago. I have met up with one of Edith's old friends on Facebook. It is nice to talk to someone about my sister.

Back to Work

2009-07-23T10:37:00.002-06:00

I know that I need to post about the end of therapy and such but for now it is back to work.

Yesterday was my first day back at the bank. I worked 4 hours and it was good. I easily feel back into routine. I remembered the programs and what information needed to be in what computer fields. Today I am back in for another 4 hours. Next week I work 4 hours and the following week I work 6 hours and then back to full-time.

On saturday Joyce (my mother-in-law) took me shopping for back to work clothing. We went to Penningtons and bought $250 worth of clothes for $110! I love sales! I want to go back to pick a few other things.

Week 18

2009-07-10T20:36:00.000-06:00

I will eventually go back and change the date of this.

Week 18 was HARD. I never really expected to make it this far. I kept thinking I would drop out. It was so hard to say good-bye to friends. On the last day I asked everyone to wear purple (my favourite colour). One of the "new" girls said she felt like we were a gang because a bunch of my friends did wear purple. My last day was horrible with this whole "gang" thing. I felt like crying.

I broke rules and met up with one of the girls for lunch, two others were invited but they didn't show up. Oh well.

I learned a lot about myself during therapy, the most important is that I am doing the best that I can. I need to stop trying to live up to some ideal image that I have in my mind and just do my best. I feel a lot more calmer with Robbie and for the most part I am more patient with him.

I am taking things one step at a time.

Weeks 13 - 17

2009-07-03T20:43:00.000-06:00

I talked about how much I wanted another baby but I was questioning why I wanted another baby. I suggested that due to how things worked out with Robbie I might want a "do-over". When I said that I was immediately jumped upon by one of the guys in group telling me "to NEVER have another baby!" I was so upset, I was finally opening up about something that means a big deal to me and to have some jerk beat me up about it was so hard. One of the girls agreed with him. I felt so hurt and misunderstood. Of course I didn't mean that I wouldn't love another child, or that I would love a new baby more then Robbie. There are just things that I wished had been different. I didn't really get to enjoy being pregnant with Robbie once the gall stones started to give me problems. Since he was so small and had breast-feeding issues I didn't really get to breast feed. Is it so bad to want another baby and see if things are different?

Eventually both the jerks apologized. I really felt like telling them that they had no idea what they were talking about with both of them being childless. Especially the woman who doesn't want kids because she is afraid of blood...

Weeks 10, 11 and 12

2009-06-01T17:03:00.003-06:00

I have not been too good at blogging lately. Therapy had kind of stalled. I feel that I am not getting anywhere. Then again, I am not talking. I just cant seem to relate to anything.

I had my second patient evaluation in week 11. I was asked about my sex life, I am sure that I turned 1000 shades of red.

I am not doing to well in the eating department. I keep eating foods that are full of sugar. I overeat as well. I need to do better.

I am becoming a more patient mom! There are things that Robbie has done that in the past would upset me that I am being more tolerable about.

Week Nine/Mother's Day

2009-05-11T18:51:00.003-06:00

I am now half way through therapy. In some ways it seems like I should be further along and in others it seems like time has flown by. Therapy is going well, I am really getting into talking about my mom and how I feel about the Alzheimer's.

Mother's Day was really hard for me. I hated not being able to contact my mom and talk with her. I know that she wouldn't make sense anyways but I am really missing my mom. I remember the countless hours that we talked on the phone since I moved to Edmonton and I really miss that. I was always able to tell mom what was happening in my life and rarely did I get judged by her. I miss the closeness that we were able to forge over the long distance lines. I do believe that it is best that me and my family are in Edmonton, it does not change the fact that I feel very guilty about not living closer to my mom.

Today (ok, I know that today is week 10...) I talked about how hard Mother's Day was on me and how I missed my mom. I said that in some ways I wish mom was already dead, it is so hard to hear the reports of how mom is doing (or not doing). I think I am starting to grieve the loss of my mother.... How do you grieve for someone who is still alive?

Week Eight

2009-05-02T19:55:00.004-06:00

It is hard to believe but I am almost half way through DTP. The week was ok. I talked a bit about Sean and I. The week ended with my "current family interview". The interview consisted of Sean, Robbie, Anthony (my therapist) and myself. I brought up what happened last weekend and my concern that there was no solution that would leave us both satisfied. Sean brought up that he has been giving into me for years. Well, now I know why we have agreed on everything and it is making me question every decision we have ever made. It was a hard meeting. It didnt help that Robbie had a poopy diaper during the whole thing, only clean diapers we had were in the car..... I will be so glad when potty training is over.... not soon enough...

Time Out for Women

2009-05-02T19:47:00.003-06:00

This weekend was TOFW. I have never been before and hopefully this will not be my last time going. I had an amazing time. I feel better about myself and was reminded many times that I am a daughter of God. I learned that it is ok not to be a perfect mother, in fact motherhood is a learning process. Hearing that really helped me, I have been having a rough time. I question whether I should bring another child into this world when I am such a poor example of a mother. We are not trying for another baby until I am off my meds. I left feeling like I could be a good mother. I bought a few books plus a dvd of last years TOFW.

It was a good weekend!

Week Seven

2009-04-26T16:23:00.003-06:00

Not much to blog about. Not much happened that I remember. I didnt even journal anything.

Otherwise lots is happening in my life. Tomorrow it is Sean and my 7th wedding anniversary. Time goes by fast.

I found out on the weekend that Sean is reading anti literature on the web and has been doing so for five years. I feel so heartbroken. I have cried off and on all day today. Not a good day at all. We are going out for dinner and I just want to go to bed and cry some more. Sean doesnt want Robbie to go to church any more. I dont know what to say or do. I just feel sick.

Joyce should be here soon to watch the boy.

Week Six

2009-04-19T16:30:00.003-06:00

I am one-third of the way through my program. I feel that I have done some work but there is lots more to do. I had an ok week, getting used to the new classes of phase 2. I didnt attend on tuesday, I had a sick little man. Robbie is doing better, still has a runny nose. Sean has a cold as well. So far I have stayed away from being sick.

Robbie has discovered the word "why", I wonder what took him so long. He is driving me insane with his questions. The ones that bother me the most is when he asks me something and then checks with Sean if I am right.

I have been feeling very down lately. I know it is because the new meds havent had time to kick in and help me yet. Today I have done nothing but feel exhausted. Sean is driving me up the wall with asking me if I am feeling ok. I told him that he doesnt like it when I do that to him so not to do it to me, hasnt helped, he just asked again if I am ok.

I am going back to bed.

Week Five

2009-04-12T18:21:00.003-06:00

Time marches on during treatment. We had friday off for Good Friday and it seemed weird not going in. Tomorrow Robbie's daycare is closed so Sean is taking the day off so I dont miss a day.

Sister C, at church, keeps asking me if I am enjoying the program. Therapy is not something that can be enjoyed. It is a lot of hard work that is emotionally and mentally draining. I come home and am exhausted, even on days when I do not share much.

This past wednesday was my patient evaluation. I told everyone why I am in therapy and they gave me suggestions to work on. The one area that I disagreed with is my marriage. Things with Sean are going great, we talk about the things we need to and dont tend to leave things to fester. We rarely argue let alone fight. No, I am not denying any issues. The one thing that works in my life is my marriage. It was also suggested that I work with my issues of loss (already started that one) and my issues surrounding parenting of Robbie. I was also told to speak up more in Large group and to show my emotions more. I would show my emotions if I could, the old medication is still lingering and I am still having issues with crying - I want to cry but I cant.

I tired calling Grace but there was no answer. I feel very alone on the holidays, yes I have my own little family but I miss the large family get togethers. Maybe that is something to talk about tomorrow....

Well Extreme Makeover, Home Edition is almost finished taping and it is a two-hour episode tonight. Must go for now.

Happy Easter!

2009-04-10T18:24:00.002-06:00

Week Four

2009-04-04T14:53:00.003-06:00

Is now over. Time is flying by, before I know it I will be in week 18. I had to be put on a new antidepressant. It was just too soon to be off on the meds. I am happy to be on one that has less side-effects however this one makes me drowsy, it is especially hard to get up in the morning. I need to work on getting out of bed even harder. Hopefully it makes my mood better.

Grace called and mom is adjusting well. Grace also said that it is a really nice place. I am glad to hear that as I am sure that mom's situation has been bothering me.

We took Robbie to a petting zoo today. He enjoyed it for a bit and then started to become afraid of the animals. It was a good outing for the day. We then went grocery shopping before coming home. Not too busy of a day.

I took the turkey out to have for tomorrow's supper.

Week Three

2009-03-29T18:19:00.004-06:00

Not a lot happened this week. I was pretty quiet most of the week. I am having a rough time dealing with my mom. I feel that I have lost her again. I want my mommy back right now (as Robbie would say). I know that I dont have things as hard as Grace does, she is responsible for mom now, but I have already lost mom once before when I was 7, I dont like losing her again. I finally got to talk about my feelings on friday.

I was able to pick up my new glasses on saturday, I have having a little bit of a hard time adjusting to them. I am fine at distances but close up things are a little blurry, especially when I am tired. I find that I have to hold things at a distance. I have taken off my glasses for the day so I can see ok right now.

Sunday has been a long day and I am eagerly awaiting bed time.

Headaches

2009-03-22T18:16:00.003-06:00

I have been having tons of headaches lately, sore tired eyes, eyes watering suddenly. I knew that there had been a change in my prescription, it had been over two years since my last eye exam. Well, I went on friday and there was quite a change. I have ordered new glasses and will get them on the 30th. Until then I will just have to suffer with headaches. Not fun!

My second week of DTP went well. I am starting to open up and realizing relationships between what happened to me as a child and how I parent Robbie. I am terrified that Robbie will have the same kinds of memories that I have of my mother. Well, he cant have the same memories that I have of Doreen, I dont hit him although I do occasionally yell at him. I try not to and am usually successful but I have my moments where I am pushed to the limit. I am still waiting for the woman who started the same time I did to drop out. She is still continually late and has such an attitude about her.

I am journalling after most sessions in a book I have. I think it is a good way for me to remember what I am feeling and anything I talked about. Other people are journalling as well.

Tuesday is Sean's birthday. He wants me to pick up a cake on my way home on tuesday evening. I also need to see the Bishop this week....

This weekend

2009-03-15T13:18:00.003-06:00

Had been a complete bust. I slept all saturday afternoon and all of sunday morning. I would actually be still in bed but Sean is there and someone has to watch the little man. I got a headache last night (up too late) and still have one today.... I didnt feel up to driving so Robbie and I did not go to church. Bad me.

More on DTP...
I am more used to the idea of groups and so I think this next week I will share more. Last week I was more taking everything in, this week it is time to get to work. On friday, Anthony (my therapist) and I started my history. That was pretty intense, and confusing of course while we sorted out my siblings. It turns out for my family of orgin interview that I am going to have to invite Gord (step-brother) and Edith (step-mother). I am not too happy about having to invite Gord, I will do it because that is part of the program, at least I do not need to worry about him coming out to Edmonton. I dont mind inviting Edith, I figured that I would need to, she wont be coming out either but that is ok with me. My current family interview will be interesting, what can Robbie say about mommy? I did ask if he was expected to come and was told yes.

Well, I am sure that being on the computer is not helping with the headache.

Day Treatment Program

2009-03-12T18:59:00.003-06:00

Well, I am almost finished my first week, fridays are half days. It is going well so far. I haven't done a whole lot of talking but I am taking things in. My first day I got in trouble for walking to slow to volleyball so now I am not allowed to go to volleyball or anything else that involves walking a distance. I am short and obese, I walk slow, get over it! I did go into some detail about being raped when I was 11. I was kind of surprised that I got into something so deep on my second day. I discovered that while I thought I had dealt with the whole incident I have never allowed myself to be angry about it. Anger is one of the things that I need to deal with over the next 17 weeks.

I do think that there are too many breaks for too long. Our breaks are generally 25-30 minutes with an hour for lunch. I would rather shorter breaks and either more groups or leaving earlier. Today our patient lounge was being used and so we had to wait in the hallway for one of our breaks. I was not happy about that. I had taken my Axim (pda) to do some reading and never got a chance. I am not sure even if we had the break room I would have read but at least it would have been a possibility.

Bedtime is looming so I had better go. More details later...

Tomorrow is the day!

2009-03-08T20:04:00.003-06:00

I have been waiting for tomorrow to happen for 2.5 months. I seemed that it would never come and yet here it finally is. The first day of my Day Treatment Program. I am excited and also anxious. I am not sure totally of what to expect, I understand the concept of group therapy but I am not sure how the directed groups go. I am also not sure how I am going to deal with the large group at the beginning of each day. I am committed to do what I need to do to get better and become a better mother.

My goals for therapy are to:
1) increase my self esteem
2) become a better mother by learning from my relationships with my various mothers
3) to learn to deal with depression in a healthy way

I have 18 weeks to achieve my goals or at least make good headway on them. I have had a blessing from my home teacher. I have the support of Sean and of his mom. I have the support of a ton of friends. I need to do this for me, this is my time and I will use it to progress to the person I want to be.

Mom

2009-03-03T12:30:00.002-07:00

I had a long talk with Grace last night. It was really good to talk to her and I think she needed someone to talk to. We talked about how mom is doing. Apparently mom is not doing so well, she no longer enjoys tv (I think that she cant follow the story) and so she acts like a lost puppy. It has been really hard for Grace dealing with mom on her own. As mom slides further downhill Grace has more stress added to her load. The biggest stress is about to come. Mom has a spot in a nursing home, right now there is a flu outbreak there but once that is cleared up mom will be moving in. Grace hates the idea that mom will be in a home but finally realizes that this is something that needs to be done. It is in mom's best interest to be in a home where she can be properly cared for and it takes the stress from Grace. They will still be able to take mom places and visit and such but not having to care for her 24/7 will be a big stress reliever.

I feel kind of guilty that I am not there to help with the transition. I feel lucky to be so far removed from everything. I do think that mom going into a home is a very good thing, it should have been done before.

Apparently Edith isnt doing so well either. Grace says that Edith hardly comes to church anymore and she is worried about her. Just what Grace needs, another stress.

It is hard to see your parents grow old....

Group Therapy Session #6

2009-02-25T18:53:00.003-07:00

Technically the post should be Group Session 6b because I didnt go last week, but I also did not post so today is Session 6. I talked today about starting the program, about being excited and anxious. I did not talk about how I have been feeling more depressed, I would have but I am starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel again.

I had my physical today, they want you to have one before the program starts. I had put it off since October so it was good to have another reason to have it done. I hate the paper "gowns" they have for you to wear... not fun at all. It was a great appointment, the doctor was happy with all that he saw. He was very happy to hear that I have lost 10% of my body weight. I do my weigh-in tomorrow but since I was one pound off of it from his scale (wearing jeans too!) that I was close enough. I will make a BIG post here when it is finally official.

As I have said I am starting to feel like there is some light in all the darkness again. It helps having friends that are supportive and of course Sean is always there for me. I know that Satan works with the depression to make me feel even worse. I should get a blessing before the program starts. I will ask my home teachers on Sunday.

Update

2009-02-22T16:28:00.003-07:00

I didnt weigh-in this week nor did I go to my group therapy so it has been quiet around here.

Friday I went to my orientation for the Day Program and got my start date. I start March 9th. Now that the time is almost here I really wonder if I can do this for 4 months. I want to get better and getting the help that I need will lead to that but I am still unsure of how this program is going to do it. I am really anxious which I guess is normal to feel at this stage of things.

I didnt go to church today. I just wasnt feeling up to it. Robbie really wanted to go so it made me feel bad to stay at home. Sean took him out so I could have some alone time. I just read and napped. I feel bad because the only time Sean gets away from Robbie is at work or during church. It is also not setting a very good example.

Today I was just feeling like I am a horrible person all around. I didnt want to be around my son, if anything I just wanted him gone. I just want a little time alone with my hubby, is that too much to ask for? I feel like it is, and I feel that even asking for it is making me a horrible person. I feel horrible for just wanting to curl up in a ball and forget about life. I feel horrible because I am not the mother I expected myself to be. Sean says that I have unrealistic expectations of how a mother should be, he is probably right but I dont know how to change how I feel a mother should be. Sean figures that I am this way because I didnt have a mother figure for a long time. He forgets that I had Grace as a mother figure, yes she is my "big" sister but she was always more of a mother then my mom was....

I dont know.

Feeling Ugh!

2009-02-18T19:20:00.003-07:00

I am feeling off. I am not even sure how to describe how I am feeling. I am down and feel like I want to cry - stupid medication makes it impossible to cry. I feel over-whelmed but by what I have no idea. I just want to curl up in a ball and be left alone. Life sucks.

Eight years ago I proposed to Sean, maybe I am disappointed in it just being an ordinary day. I dont know.

Almost at First Goal

2009-02-12T11:41:00.003-07:00

I am almost at my first weight loss goal. I lost another 1.3lbs this week. I have 1 more pound to lose and I will have lost 10% of my starting weight. <> I am trying to be good and not eat too much, although sometimes I feel that I am not eating enough. I dont want my body to go into starvation mode and not lose anything.

I really am doing it!!!

Group Therapy Session #5b

2009-02-11T19:34:00.003-07:00

I went this week although I wish I hadnt. It ended 30 minutes early (the therapists had a meeting) and the topics centered on alcohol and whether you could/should drink while in therapy. Pretty much a waste of time for me. It did mean that I got home 30 minutes earlier then I would have.

We have moved over almost all the kitchen stuff. The rest will go tomorrow with the remainder of the food. Saturday is coming up quickly. My home teacher said that he would come and drive the truck for me. I am really happy about that as I hate driving at the best of times. I will drive him over (and pay for the truck) and then follow him back after everything is all done. Sean figures we will be done by noon. Our last intercity move took one hour.

Update

2009-02-09T12:48:00.003-07:00

Life is busy right now with the move coming up. We are on track for everything being completed on friday. I do need to call my Home Teacher and see if he will drive the Uhaul for me, I know that I could do it myself but I am nervous to do so. If he says no then I guess I am driving a big truck.

I didnt update my weigh-in last week. I was down another 2.6lbs. The weight is going slowly but I think I would rather that then a fast weight loss. I mean to keep this weight off and if that means just losing a pound or two a week then I guess that I will have to be satisfied with that.

Well, I should go and get more packing done.

Group Therapy Session #5

2009-02-04T19:14:00.003-07:00

I didnt go. :( Robbie was a bum and got up at 5:15am. I am so not a morning person and it is worse when I dont get my sleep. After taking him to daycare I took a nap and slept until it was past time for me to leave. I feel a little guilty for not going but I needed sleep. As it was I still woke up with sinus pain. Tomorrow I go to the doctor to see if this is something more serious, I figure that it is just a recurring infection.

We went and saw the Bishop tonight. He was just checking on how we were doing with the Church's assistance. We really are blessed to have the assistance that we do. I think it makes Sean more open to the church with having the help that we are. We also talked about the move, I think everything is set up for the men of the church to help (I will remind them on Sunday).

Tomorrow I am going to call and see if I can find out when I will be starting the program. I am getting really tired of waiting.

I like.....

2009-02-03T18:32:00.003-07:00

To offset the posts of what bugs me I am posting things that I like.

1. I like when Sean kisses my forehead. There is nothing romantic about it but it makes me feel calmed and loved.

2. I like milk chocolate. The milkier the better. Chocolate of any kind doesn't like me. (sigh)

3. I like being married. I was single for so long that I wasnt sure how I would do sharing my life with someone else. I like it, I love having a partner in my life.

4. I like hearing Robbie call me "mommy". For so long I was told that I would never have kids and so I get a little excited that I was able to have a little miracle. Maybe one day Robbie will be a big brother.

5. I like having a car. For so long I had to depend on others for rides, walk or ride the bus. I am grateful that we have a car although I really dont like driving.

6. I like that I live far from my family. I love my family very much but I find that when I am around then I revert to a 12 year old. Living in Alberta has allowed me to grow up and be responsible.

7. I like that I am able to grasp technology so easily. I like that I can answer people's questions with knowledge and authority. I like that I am able to teach others with my knowledge.

8. I like Sean being supportive of me with regards to church. It would be easy for him to be negative and yet he is not. Sean encourages my attendance and more importantly encourages Robbie's attendance.

9. I like that I am Canadian. I have a lot of American friends and when I think of the things they dont have - free medical care, one year maternity leave - it makes me feel so blessed to live in an area where I take these things for granted.

10. I like having my own little piece of cyberspace where I can go and write my feelings/thoughts. I dont even care if anyone reads this, I write on my blog for me. If other people want to read and follow my life they are welcome to it but I write for one person and that is me.

So, what things do you like?

Bugy Bug Bug

2009-01-31T14:26:00.003-07:00

I was tagged by Courtney so here is my list of ten things that bug me.

1. Being depressed. I hate how it makes me feel, I hate how I have to be on medication. I just wish my brain would work normally.

2. Bad drivers. If you are at a 4-way stop, the first person to stop goes, not whoever feels like going.

3. People who call late at night. We go to bed early, Sean gets up for work at 4am. DO NOT call after 9pm.

4. People who call and then demand "who is this"? You called me, know who you dialed.

5. Robbie's "whiney" voice. When Robbie starts to whine I get a headache, lucky for me he does not do it often.

6. People who get on the bus and then acted surprised that they have to pay. If you are waiting for the bus then get your ticket/money/bus pass ready. Dont wait to get on the bus and then start shuffling around trying to find your money.

7. People who talk loudly on their cell phones. I do not need to hear your conversation and more importantly I dont WANT to hear your conversation. If I am sitting at the front of the bus and you are in the back I should not hear you.

8. People who type in ALL CAPS all the time. It is so hard to read and gives me a head ache.

9. People who dont use any paragraphs or punctuation. It makes things hard to read. I dont always use correct punctuation but I do try and make things legible so that other people can read what I write.

10. Being sick all the time. I have a low imune system and I hate how I get colds/flus/etc. I try not to whine about it but sometimes it is hard to live in a run down body. That is one of the reasons I am working at changing my life, I dont want to be sick all the time.

Good Day

2009-01-30T15:58:00.003-07:00

Today I kept Robbie home from daycare. We had a good day, I didnt get anything done but that is ok. Sean is now home from work and the boys are playing on their 'puters. Robbie is just like his daddy. I am going to have to go back to the doctors next week, my sinuses are still bothering me, at least the bronchitis is gone.

Not much else happening today, just a ususal friday.

The First Five

2009-01-30T10:20:00.001-07:00

Taken from Cath's blog...

the first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! my choice. for you. this offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1. i make no guarantees that you will like what i make!
2. what i create will be just for you.
3. it’ll be done this year. {translation: you may be waiting a little while}
4. you have no clue what it’s going to be ... it may be cards, a poem, a bookmark, something yummy or a complete surprise to you (and me!) ... who knows? not you, that’s for sure!
5. i reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

most importantly, you must offer the same deal on your blog - the first 5 people to comment on your blog (or if you do not have a blog, facebook) get something made by YOU!

the first 5 people to do so and leave a comment telling me they did win a FAB-U-LOUS homemade gift by me ...

Group Therapy Session #4

2009-01-28T18:07:00.003-07:00

Well, once again it is wednesday and so that means group. If I havent mentioned before I HATE going. I dont feel an hour a week is helpful. It is supposed to help with when I start the day program which is 8 hours per day, 5 days a week. Again this week there were a bunch of new people and for some reason the new people think they must talk. Personally I wish people would just shut up. Yes, I am in a grumpy mood.

Today, just for Cath, I talked. I wasnt even forced into it. After the new people shut up I finally said what I was feeling with regards to Robbie. That I feel like I am a rotten mother for not wanting to spend time with him and letting Sean take over most of the childcare. I have made a therapy goal to spend some time reading with Robbie every morning. I need to do this for me as muxh as for Robbie. Mother-guilt sucks big time.

Moving

2009-01-26T13:02:00.006-07:00

I thought that things were settled and that we would be staying here for another six months. However last night Sean got into it with our landlord about our renters insurance. So we are now moving. It looks like we may have a place to live already, Sean made an inquiry last night on a place he saw online and they got back to us today. If we sign a 13 month lease we get February free so we wouldnt be paying rent at two places but we would have all month to move in. We are going to go and see the place tonight.

~~UPDATE~~
We went and saw the new place, put in our application and were approved. The managers are members of the Church, their daughter is in Sunbeams with Robbie. I have already book the U-haul truck and we move on February 14th... not like we do anything special for Valentine's day anyway.

So Sick

2009-01-23T16:22:00.004-07:00

I have bronchitis and a sinus infection. I feel horrible, I did get a nap in this afternoon. At least the antibiotics seem to be doing something. I hope that by Sunday I am doing better.

I gained 0.2lbs this last week. My eating has been horrible and I havent done the Wii Fit at all. I am not hopeful for things changing until after I feel better.

Group Therapy Session #3

2009-01-21T19:11:00.004-07:00

So another week went by and I know Cath is waiting with bated breath to hear if I spoke at today's session. So instead of being mean and not telling until the end I will tell now. I did speak....my name : ) Once again I got away without discussing anything. I am sure next week I will be forced to talk. I did keep coughing during the session as I have a cold on top of a sinus infection. I have to go and pick up antibiotics tomorrow.

I am starting to notice that my mood is getting better, I am not so down as I have been. I am totally exhausted though and still dont get much done during the day. I did do some grocery shopping today but that was all I had energy for. Tomorrow I will go to the pharmacy and then in the afternoon I am waiting for a delivery.

I called our Home Teachers tonight to see if they knew of anyone with a truck. We need to move a freezer two blocks. If we can get a truck we are being given a freezer from Joanne (where Robbie goes to daycare). It would be cool (pun intended) to have a freezer so I hope we can find someone with a truck.

edited to correct spelling error of "baited" to "bated"

Binge control

2009-01-19T19:41:00.003-07:00

Last night I wanted to binge. I recognized that I was stressed and upset and just wanted to eat and eat. It was hard but I didnt give into the feelings. I knew that I wasnt hungry, I just wanted the calming effects of eating a bunch of food. Part of what stopped me is there was nothing in the house to binge on, but that isnt totally true there was food just nothing that appealed to me. Part of what stopped me was knowing that I would feel worse after giving in. I went to bed, took some tylenol for my headache and was asleep shortly after. This morning the reason for wanting to eat no longer mattered.

I am proud of myself, although I am sure there will be other binges I was able to control my emotions and not start eating. Even just once it is a victory that needs to be recognized. I can control my emotional eating. Yay!

Weigh-In

2009-01-15T14:48:00.003-07:00

I weighed myself this morning and am down another 0.4lbs. Not much of a loss but I did eat an entire large bag of potato chips the other day. I shouldnt have even bought the chips let alone ate them but I wanted them and so just a little loss.

I did do the short walk on the Wii Fit. It took me 7 minutes! (blush) and I didnt even walk the whole time. I know the time will come down and eventually I might even be able to jog the distance but I was pretty embarrassed. So feeling humiliated by my lack of stanima what do I do but come and blog about it so others will know of my pain. All I can do is keep trying, but at least I have used the Wii Fit once this week with 2 days remaining.

Today it is 1*C, no I didnt forget a negative sign, we are in for a few days of plus temperatures! Maybe the nice weather will motivate me to do better.

Sean's alarm clock went off at midnight! It is supposed to be set for 3:45am (waht an aweful hour to get up) so we dont know what happened. I did buy him a new alarm clock today - one without the radio so all is good (I hope).

Group Therapy Session #2

2009-01-14T19:42:00.002-07:00

Well today was day two. I just barely made it on time. Once again I did not want to go. Once again I sat silent. I dont imagine that they (the therapists) will let me get away with it for long. It is easier to stay quiet then to participate.

On the way home the bus I was riding in got into an accident. No one was hurt, there didnt even appear to be any damage but we had to transfer to another bus. It took me an extra 45 minutes to get home! I was not impressed.

It was cold and snowy today but it is supposed to warm up tomorrow through saturday. I sure hope so. I need to do some stuff, go to the library, get some meds...

I still havent heard from work. I wonder if I should call them. If they are going to debit my bank account I need to know when and how much. Grrr....

Bad Day

2009-01-11T16:09:00.003-07:00

Today has been a bad day all around. I have had no energy and felt like doing anything. Even though I slept in I had a nap at noon. I didnt go to church as I felt like I could not do it today. I just could not stand being around other people and trying to act like everything is fine. Robbie was disappointed, he wanted to go to church. I feel bad that I didnt go, I know that I should not give into my moods but it is so hard sometimes.

The nap at least made me feel a bit better although I woke with sinus pain. I told Sean to go and lie down, so he went for a nap an hour ago. I put on supper (a ham), did a few dishes and now I am back on the computer. I will get Sean up at 5 if he is not already awake by then.

I wish there was a magic pill that I could take and the depression would be over. Yeah, I know they are called anti-depressants. My meds do make a difference but I still have my bad days, most of my days are just ok. I want to feel happy for a change. Robbie is always testing our moods "are you happy daddy?" "are you mad mommy?". Today I lied and told him I was happy, how do you explain to a 3 year old that you are depressed, you dont.

I need to go to the doctors and get another form filled out for daycare subsisdy. I am greatful for the money but the hoops you must jump through.... I also have to get a letter from work saying that I am on unpaid leave and I will have to write a letter stating that I am NOT receiving any money from outside sources. I dont qualify for any EI or anything.

I want to know when my start date is for the program. I never have been patient and waiting for a start date is not helping my mood.

Weigh-In

2009-01-09T18:04:00.003-07:00

I weighed in last night at 255.5lbs, down 1.3lbs from a week ago. I should have weighed in during the morning but I forgot about it until Sean reminded me as I was going to bed. If I had used the Wii Fit even once this week I am sure I would have remembered. So yeah, I did not do even one day of exercising on the Wii Fit so it will be my goal again.

I found out some information about my day program. The support group sessions ARE optional for me. For other people they are mandatory, but they have other issues such as addiction. That is good to know because I was getting a bit panicky over it; if I needed to do a certain amount of sessions before orientation then when the heck would I get into the program. Turns out there is no worry.

For the life of me I cant remember taking my morning meds today. I dont remember not taking them either. I am tired now but dont know if that is just because of the time of day or because I didnt take my meds.

I got paid again yesterday. Today, with much struggle I found the phone numbers I needed and contacted work. Mary (HR person) is not sure why I am being paid and thinks I need to pay back the money. The other thing is my benefit package arrived today and I was able to sign up. Apparently that is something else that shouldnt have happened. Mary is checking into things and is going to call me on Monday. I hope this gets resolved soon. I am a little stressed about everything. I feel bad saying this but in many ways I wish I didnt call about being paid, of course paying back $2000 then ten times the amount.

Group Therapy Session #1

2009-01-07T18:57:00.003-07:00

So on wednesday afternoons, until I start my program, I have a support group session. Today was my first one. I didnt say anything - no surprise to me that I didnt say anything. I am confused though, I was told that the group was optional but other people mentioned today that they had reached their manditory number of sessions. I need to call my therapist tomorrow and will ask about the group. If I need to attend a certain amount of times I need to know that. I almost didn't go today. I was two minutes late as well. Next week I need to leave earlier.

I am feeling a little frustrated with myself. I have so many things that I should be doing and yet I have no energy to get anything done. I am not good at making myself do things and so therefore nothing gets done. I am so far behind on housework. Sean doesnt say anything but I know that it bothers him as well. I want to live in a clean house, I want the dishes to be kept up. I just dont know how to get everything done.

I am going to breakfast with Joyce on friday. I dont really want to go but I did promise her that I would help her get her Shaw internet hooked up. She got a new computer for Christmas and since we told her to get Shaw over Telus I feel responsible for helping her. Bruce wanted her to get Telus. I really dont know how I am going to deal with the stress of spending another day with Joyce. If Sean wasnt working I would be sending him but as it is I will spend the time with her.

Favourite Hymn

2009-01-04T17:53:00.003-07:00

My favourite Hymn is #134 "I Believe in Christ". I think that I need to sing/read/listen to it more often. When Dad was dying I spent the night at the hospital with him. I put on his Mormon Tab cd on repeat. I think every time "I Believe in Christ" came on I would wake up. The words are as follows:

I Believe in Christ

Lyrics by Bruce R. McConkie
Music by John Longhurst

I believe in Christ, He is my King!
With all my heart to Him I'll sing
I'll raise my voice in praise and joy
In grand amen's my tongue employ
I believe in Christ, He is God's Son
On earth to dwell, His soul did come
He healed the sick, the dead He raised
Good works were His, His name be praised

I believe in Christ, oh blessed name!
As Mary's Son, He came to reign
Mid mortal men, His earthly kin
To save them from the woes of sin
I believe in Christ, who marked the path
Who did gain all His Father hath
Who said to men "Come follow Me
That ye, my friends, with God may be"

I believe in Christ, my Lord and my God!
My feet He plants on gospel sod.
I'll worship Him with all my might
He is the source of truth and light
I believe in Christ, He ransoms me
From satan's grasp He sets me free
And I shall live with joy and love
In His eternal courts above

I believe in Christ, He stands supreme!
From Him I'll gain my fondest dream
And while I strive through grief and pain
His voice is heard "Ye shall obtain"
I believe in Christ, so come what may
With Him I'll stand in that great day
When on this earth he comes again
To rule among the sons of men

Grumpy

2009-01-03T12:50:00.005-07:00

That is my name and my mood. I have been really depressed since Christmas and I am not sure why. Maybe it is because my expectations of the holidays are never realized. I am always disappointed with the day and from there the depression has just continued.

Mother guilt: On my Canadian adoption website http://www.canadaadopts.com one of the moms was talking about how she isnt the mother she thought she would be. I totally get how she is feeling. I am not the mother I expected to be and in some ways I am the mother that I said I never would be. I can be very selfish with my time, especially right now while I am depressed. I am lucky that Sean is so patient with Robbie, at least he gets it from one parent. As much as I try not to, I sometimes yell at Robbie; the only memories I have of Doreen (my biological mother) is of her yelling (and hitting) at me. I dont want Robbie to have those kind of memories. Changing my parenting skills is part of what I hope to get out of the day program.

Day Program: Starts next month! I am not sure what day I start, just sometime in February. On wednesdays I will be going to the "waiting list" group sessions. I think it will help to get me used to group therapy. I am nervous about the group aspect of things but I want to get help and this program is supposed to be amazing.

Weekly goal: I made a goal this week to use the Wii Fit 3 times. I didnt do so good on my last goal - I only ate breakfast once instead of three times.

Welcome 2009

2009-01-01T12:55:00.003-07:00

As I said in my last posting 2009 is the year that I am going to get healthy. Today I weighed myself and I am down another 2.2 lbs. That makes a total of 20lbs lost since the end of August! It seems slow and it is but it is 20lbs lost forever. My weight is now at 258.8, not a number I am especially proud of but a number that I am not going to see again.

New Year's Eve

2008-12-31T17:25:00.003-07:00

So, the answer to the last post is "no". Right now I have too many money issues to deal with. I have friends that I will be accountable with and that is good for now.

My agenda for 2009 is to be healthy. I am not starting the new year on too good of a health note but I dont mean healthy from colds and such (although that would be nice too). I want to be mentally healthy, I want to do a better job at eating healthy, I want more movement in my life (ie. exercise) and I want to be a healthy mommy.

Today was the last of three solid days of having Robbie at home. Yesterday was horrible, while I didnt lose it I felt like I was going to. Today was much better, Robbie slept in later and that probably helped both of us to have a good day.

Sean is home tomorrow so that will be a nice start to 2009. We had a talk last night and it still amazes me how understanding of my depression Sean is. I am sure that by now most men would have run away, I am on my third major depressive episode since we got together, yet Sean stays patient with me and wishes there is more that he could do to help me. I am a very lucky woman and I remind myself of that every day.

Now here is to getting healthy in 2009!

Do I or don't I?

2008-12-28T18:27:00.003-07:00

I am trying to decide if I should rejoin Weight Watchers. Right now I can register for free and then I just have to pay the weekly amount. I am just not sure of being able to pay the weekly amount... I just dont know if WW is a justifiable budget item. I know that I have to do something about my weight and I need to be accountable to someone other then myself. Being accountable to myself only sets me up for failure, if I feel that I have not lost weight then I put off weighing myself (or "forget" to weigh myself). If I rejoin WW I would feel that I had to go as I had spent the money, I went every week last time I was a member. I did see some movement on the scale, it was slow movement but not as slow as things are going now.

I have had a rough holiday. I am so down and couldnt care less about Christmas. I took down the tree on Boxing Day. I was so sick of it and the thought of keeping it up for another week made me anxious. I find when my anxiety gets high then everything around me starts getting chaotic, then I lose control.

I now have 3 days of having Robbie during the day. I am not looking forward to it. Sean keeps asking if I am going to be ok. Well, the only other alternative is for him to stay home and that can't happen so I am going to have to deal with him. Luckily Robbie is getting back into a normal sleeping routine, he is much healthier then he has been (of course he shared his cold with mommy and daddy).

"Twas the afternoon before Christmas...

2008-12-24T15:40:00.005-07:00

and all through the house there was quiet! Robbie got up with Sean at 4am this morning so by noon he was toasted! After a bit of yelling I decided to put him in his room for both of our sakes. Robbie screamed for a few minutes then started going to the door and saying "daddy, where are you?". He then started playing quietly and then there was silence. After 30 minutes of complete silence I checked on him and he was fast asleep on his bed, I thought he might be on the floor but he had climbed up on the bed.

Sean is home from work, I like the 2:30 end times of these 6am sifts, hopefully Robbie will not get up with daddy every day. I put a ham in the oven and so for Christmas eve we are eating ham and rice for supper, yummy!

Joyce called and wants us to be there for noon tomorrow. It will depend on what time everyone is awake and we have breaky, get ready and all that. I am cooking breakfast tomorrow - pancakes and sausage. It should be good. I also have to call my family tomorrow, I am always the one to call them. Last year we spent it with them.

Sean and Robbie's presents are all wrapped and ready to go under the tree. The stuff for Robbie's stocking is mostly ready, I bought him a little more chocolate then I thought I had. I am looking forward to the morning and Robbie's reaction to his gifts. I am also curious to see what Sean got me. I hope Sean likes his gifts, this is the first time that I didn't buy him boxers - I bought long underwear instead (giggles).

Merry Christmas everyone!

One Week until Christmas

2008-12-18T13:53:00.003-07:00

People have been commenting on me looking better and sounding better but I dont feel it. I am not feeling as down as I did last week but I still have little to no energy. I have gone out and done things such as the ward Christmas party and shopping with Joyce but it has been very difficult.

I had good news today, I was accepted into the Day Program and now I just have to wait until my start date. I will have an orientation sometime in January which will give me my exact start time. I am happy that I got in but worried about all the hard work it will be - 5-7 years of psychotherapy in 4.5 months!

Robbie has been getting up at 5am, next week Sean is starting 6am shifts and will be leaving at 5am.... I hope he doesnt start waking up even earlier.

My fan died last night and so I had a horrible time trying to sleep. I miss my fan : ( Sean slept really well without the noise so I guess I should learn to sleep without the fan : (

Feeling Over-whelmed

2008-12-11T17:55:00.003-07:00

The last couple of days I have had anxiety attacks when it is time to pick up Robbie from daycare. I can't stand the whining and crying that goes on. I need to get my emotions under control to be able to deal effectively with Robbie. I hate that Robbie can make me feel so unworthy and useless. I know that the day program will help but can I make it until then? I have seriously thought about going back to Emerg, telling then that I can't cope with life. I am not suicidal but I do feel like I need to be in a safe place, home is just not feeling safe to me. I am ok when Sean is around but when I am by myself or with Robbie it does not feel safe to me.

I see my family doctor tomorrow. He has to fill out forms for me. I will tell him how I am feeling and see what he suggests.

I just want to feel better!

Catching Up

2008-12-08T11:12:00.004-07:00

It has been almost a week since my last post. Ooops. I can't even say that I have been really busy, I have been exhausted though. My new med has me waking up at 2am for a few hours (1-4 hours) and so I am tired all day. I have been going to bed at 7:30, before Robbie even!!! But I am having troubles shutting off my brain so that doesn't help either.

I finished all my Christmas shopping and all of Sean's presents are wrapped. Robbie keeps looking for presents under the tree - not happening until he is in bed Christmas eve. Robbie is loving his advent calendar although he always wants more then one chocolate a night. Eventually I want to make a permanent advent calendar that has a scripture or quote and possibly room for a treat.

I have been getting little things done during the day, some dishes (I hate not having a dish washer) or some laundry or some shopping. I am proud of anything I accomplish right now. It is a huge effort to even get out of bed most of the time.

Blessings

2008-12-02T19:48:00.003-07:00

So, I thought it was time to list some more of the blessings in my life.

Sean and Robbie, they will always top my list.
Jesus Christ, from whom all blessings come.
My church, for the support that they give us.
Having a car that works, we dont use it often but it is a big help.
Having a roof over our heads that is warm and comfortable.
Having enough food to eat.
Clothes to wear, especially warm ones right now.
Sean having work.
Friends who are supportive of me and get that depression IS an illness.
Being able to hear my sweet husband read bedtime stories to our son.

Santa...

2008-12-01T18:17:00.003-07:00

has been on the ball and his elves have everything for Robbie. Unfortunately the elves say that Sean is too big to make toys for and so I have to brave the stores and shop for him myself.

I wanted to send some Smarties to my American friends and family (Santa is Canadian after all) but money is too tight.

Robbie had his first advent chocolate tonight and promptly wanted more. Not really a surprise. The only one I could find was a "High School Musical" one... but it is all candy to my boy.

My doctor's appointment went ok, we discussed more changes to my meds. My waking in the middle of the night is due to the new med and it SHOULD go away. I hope so, I am so dazed and confused in the morning due to lack of sleep.

Christmas Tree

2008-11-30T18:15:00.003-07:00

Today we put up the tree and decorated it. It is a little bottom heavy from Robbie putting on the decorations but I am sure the tree will be rearranged a few times before the big day. I kept forgetting to buy Robbie an Advent calendar so I need to get one tomorrow. I am hoping to get some shopping done tomorrow but I do have a doctor's appointment that I need to leave at 12:30 for. By the time I get back home it will be time to pick up Robbie. Sean will be home sometime between 5:30-6 from his first day at work.

I am mad at Sean right now. With all the financial problems we are having he went to Smitty's for lunch. He promised he would not go there anymore. I have lost some trust in him which is not good. I don't know how to get over my anger. I feel like he did it to punish me and make me more stressed, if so it worked. I was just starting to get over my stress about finances.

Meeting with my Bishop

2008-11-28T18:37:00.004-07:00

Last night Sean and I went to talk to my Bishop. I feel better about things. Bishop McQuay has helped me to see that I need to take care of myself. Right now that means I need to be home from work and the sacrifices that involves. I am no good at work or home at the moment, I need the healing time of the day program to get well. Our family is blessed in so many ways. I try to remember to say thank you for everything in my prayers but I feel that it is not adequate.

We picked up the application form for HomeEd, which is a subsidized housing program. You pay 27% of your gross income in rent (up to market value which is actually less then market value really is). If we could get into the program the lower rent would be another big blessing. I asked today about the waiting list and the manager said it could be anywhere from a month to a year or longer, it just depends on when a space becomes available.

We are also applying for daycare subisty, it appears that they will pay about 80% of our daycare costs! I need to get a letter from work saying that I am on unpaid medical leave. Hopefully I will be able to get that in the next few days.

Sean and I decided that we are still getting each other Christmas gifts for one another. Sean's gift to me might be late as he is ordering it online. I am unsure what to get him. Maybe I will have to check out Warp in the mall and see what new D&D stuff they have.

What Have You Done...?

2008-11-27T13:30:00.003-07:00

I stole this from Kate's blog. I was feeling bad about not posting last night.

What Have You Done...?

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child - no but I was adopted
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked - but I knew the person
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie - if home movies count
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Guide Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check (And that's CHEQUE for us Canadians, EH?)
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in Arlington Cemetery
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury - no but was called to jury duty
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Thankful Tuesday

2008-11-25T19:18:00.003-07:00

As much as this depression is affecting me I can still be thankful about things. Today I am thankful for many things:

Sean and all the cuddles he has been giving me. At least once a day we have cuddle time.
Sean getting the job at Voxcom, he starts monday
Robbie being such a good boy the last few days.
Friends and family who are so supportive of me, some even read my blog :-)
Church, although my faith is being tested right now I still know that I am a child of God.
Sean for being supportive of me attending the day program.

Tonight I made supper for the first time in a long time. It wasn't great but it was edible. I am sure that as I have more "good" moments that my cooking skills will return.

I heard from the Insurance Company today regarding the paperwork that I need to submit. I looked over everything and they don't give you very much space to put anything! I have to use Sean's computer to print everything as Adobe doesn't like Vista.