Count Your Many Blessings

The title of this post comes from a church Hymn that we sang today.  Today is also the 10th anniversary of 9-11.  I think it is fitting to remind myself of the blessings in my life.

• Sean.  Sean is my biggest blessing.  Having a loving spouse that supports me is a blessing that I never thought I would have.  Knowing that Sean loves me even with all my faults is a comfort to me.  There are times when I am in a deep depression that I will tell him to divorce me, he always tells me no.
• Robbie.  When I was 16 I was told that I would never get pregnant without medical help and even then I would probably never have a baby.  Robbie is a blessing that is so special to me.  All my life I wanted to be a mommy and with Robbie I am.
• My family.  I admit that there is often times that my family drives me crazy.  I really do like living far away from them so that I don't have to interact on a daily basis.  However, I do love my family and love hearing from them.
• Canada.  I am a proud Canadian.  I love living in a country that allows for people's differences, actually embraces those differences.  I love living in a country where I will not go bankrupt due to my need of healthcare.  I love that I have a freedom to travel, learn and love.  I love watching the Olympics and feel great pride is seeing our flag raised and our National Anthem played.
• My health.  I have a lot of health issues but the biggest blessing is that I am still alive.  Yes, I am diabetic, I suffer from depression, allergies, asthma and infertility.  However my health is so much better then so many others.
• Food, shelter and clothing.  We have so many choices in these areas.  When I think of third world nations and the hardships that people there go through I am embarrassed by our wealth.  We do not have a ton of money but we have more then our needs fulfilled, we even have some of our wants fulfilled.
• Friends.  I have a few very close friends and then a lot of acquaintances.  The friends that I have that I am close to are special to me.  They give me strength and support in ways that they probably never know about.

Count Your Blessings

When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings; name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

[Chorus]
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your blessings;
See what God hath done.
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings;
See what God hath done.

 Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings; ev’ry doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold.
Count your many blessings; money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged; God is over all.
Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Text: Johnson Oatman, Jr., 1856–1922
Music: Edwin O. Excell, 1851–1921

Horrible Mommy

I fear I am becoming like my birthmom.  I lose control when Robbie gets whiney.  I just can't handle it.  I yell, threaten, sometimes I spank - not hard but I still hate spanking.

Today he was miserable and I lost it.  Then Sean decided to point out to me that I lot it.  Just what I need when I am feeling horrible is him agreeing that I am a horrible mother.

I really don't know how to change things.  I took a parenting class and was doing better but then I got too stressed out.  Right now I feel like throwing up all day, every day.  I have taken preg tests and they are negative so my conclusion is that I feel so sick because of the stress.  I am leaving the bank on Friday - not a moment too soon if you ask me.

I hate feeling like this.  I hate being like this.  I need help but don't know where to turn to.