One Year

Five hundred twenty-five thousand 

Six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand 
Moments so dear 
Five hundred twenty-five thousand 
Six hundred minutes 
How do you measure-measure a year 

In daylights- in sunsets
In midnites- in cups of coffee
In inches- in miles 
In laughter- in strife

Five hundred twenty-five thousand 
Six hundred minutes 
How do you measure a year in the life

How about love
How about love
How about love
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand 
Six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand 
Journeys to plan
Five hundred twenty-five thousand 
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life 
Of a woman or a man

In truth that she learns 
Or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned 
Or the way that she dies

Its time now to sing out
Tho the story never ends
Lets celebrate 
Remember a year in the life of friends

Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love*

One year.  365 days.  52 weeks.  12 months.  No matter how I phrase it that is the amount of time that has passed since I attempted suicide.  Obviously I was not successful and while I was at my deepest, darkest moment I could not remember about those that loved me.  Actually I thought I was doing something good for them as they would no longer have to deal with me and my issues.  Of course I was wrong in that feeling, my family and friends would have had to deal with the pain of my death.

I have heard many times how selfish suicide is.  While I can understand why people say that I know truth.  Most people who attempt suicide are doing so because in misguided belief that their family/friends would be better off without them. 

This last year has been hard.  I have grown a lot and have suffered a lot.  I am a different person then I was a year ago.  I know that I am loved.  I know that Sean and Robbie need me and want me to be here.  I know that while I have no close friends I do have people I can call on when I need help.

With the suicide of Robin Williams there was a saying going around on facebook "don't take a permanent solution to fix a temporary problem".  Suicide is just that,a permanent solution to what is really a temporary problem.  Even though  the darkness that depression brings feels like it will never end, it can and will come to an end with proper supports.  For different people that means different things, for me a combination of medication and therapy has helped, for others it may be one or the other, it may be hospitalization that works for some. 

I don't have answers but I do know that depression can make us believe things that are untrue.  If you are suffering, get help!

* "Seasons of Love" from the musical Rent.

Robin Williams and Me

I have never met Robin Williams and I never will.  So why the title?  Robin Williams has always been one of my favourite actors.  I love him both in comedy roles and dramatic roles, there will be no new movies.

Yesterday Robin Williams gave into his severe depression and committed suicide.  I have cried over this.  I have never cried over a celebrity's death before.  I talked to Sean about it tonight.  I wasn't really crying over Mr Williams death but for my own brush with attempted suicide.  I know how deep depression can deceive you saying that life is not worth living.  How you are alone in the world.   How there is no hope.  I was there a year ago.

I fought and tried to get help.  Getting help was not easy and it was really not until I intentionally over-dosed that I got the help I needed.  At the time of my OD I really did want to die as that was the only way I could see my pain ending.  I did not want to hurt Sean and Robbie but the pain was too much.  I gave into the pain, luckily I survived with little injury to myself.

I am not the same person I was a year ago.  A year ago I could not imagine that I would be where I am now.  It has not been an easy journey and I will always have bad times but now I have more skills to deal with the pain.

Mr Williams, I am sorry that you had to give into the pain.  My tears are not for you but I do wish you peace.

Robin Williams career

Housemate

For the next few months Sean and I are landlords.  We have an older male staying with us for a few months.  It will be interesting to have another adult here.  We moved Robbie upstairs and my sewing room downstairs where Robbie's room used to be.  Lots of changes but the additional money will help.

Cubs

Today I was invested into Cubs (gave my promise).  I was called as the assistant Cub leader at the end of December.  Robbie was really excited to have me as a leader.  I met with the leader and we planned out the rest of the year.  So far things have gone well.  The program is not that far off from Guiding which I have 10 years experience.  I think I bring a lot of experience.  We have 4 boys with 2 that should be coming up right away.  The small group is both good and bad, good because the boys are HYPER, bad because it is harder to play games.