One Week until Christmas

People have been commenting on me looking better and sounding better but I dont feel it. I am not feeling as down as I did last week but I still have little to no energy. I have gone out and done things such as the ward Christmas party and shopping with Joyce but it has been very difficult.

I had good news today, I was accepted into the Day Program and now I just have to wait until my start date. I will have an orientation sometime in January which will give me my exact start time. I am happy that I got in but worried about all the hard work it will be - 5-7 years of psychotherapy in 4.5 months!

Robbie has been getting up at 5am, next week Sean is starting 6am shifts and will be leaving at 5am.... I hope he doesnt start waking up even earlier.

My fan died last night and so I had a horrible time trying to sleep. I miss my fan : ( Sean slept really well without the noise so I guess I should learn to sleep without the fan : (

Feeling Over-whelmed

The last couple of days I have had anxiety attacks when it is time to pick up Robbie from daycare. I can't stand the whining and crying that goes on. I need to get my emotions under control to be able to deal effectively with Robbie. I hate that Robbie can make me feel so unworthy and useless. I know that the day program will help but can I make it until then? I have seriously thought about going back to Emerg, telling then that I can't cope with life. I am not suicidal but I do feel like I need to be in a safe place, home is just not feeling safe to me. I am ok when Sean is around but when I am by myself or with Robbie it does not feel safe to me.

I see my family doctor tomorrow. He has to fill out forms for me. I will tell him how I am feeling and see what he suggests.

I just want to feel better!

Catching Up

It has been almost a week since my last post. Ooops. I can't even say that I have been really busy, I have been exhausted though. My new med has me waking up at 2am for a few hours (1-4 hours) and so I am tired all day. I have been going to bed at 7:30, before Robbie even!!! But I am having troubles shutting off my brain so that doesn't help either.

I finished all my Christmas shopping and all of Sean's presents are wrapped. Robbie keeps looking for presents under the tree - not happening until he is in bed Christmas eve. Robbie is loving his advent calendar although he always wants more then one chocolate a night. Eventually I want to make a permanent advent calendar that has a scripture or quote and possibly room for a treat.

I have been getting little things done during the day, some dishes (I hate not having a dish washer) or some laundry or some shopping. I am proud of anything I accomplish right now. It is a huge effort to even get out of bed most of the time.

Blessings

So, I thought it was time to list some more of the blessings in my life.

1. Sean and Robbie, they will always top my list.
2. Jesus Christ, from whom all blessings come.
3. My church, for the support that they give us.
4. Having a car that works, we dont use it often but it is a big help.
5. Having a roof over our heads that is warm and comfortable.
6. Having enough food to eat.
7. Clothes to wear, especially warm ones right now.
8. Sean having work.
9. Friends who are supportive of me and get that depression IS an illness.
10. Being able to hear my sweet husband read bedtime stories to our son.
    

Santa...

has been on the ball and his elves have everything for Robbie. Unfortunately the elves say that Sean is too big to make toys for and so I have to brave the stores and shop for him myself.

I wanted to send some Smarties to my American friends and family (Santa is Canadian after all) but money is too tight.

Robbie had his first advent chocolate tonight and promptly wanted more. Not really a surprise. The only one I could find was a "High School Musical" one... but it is all candy to my boy.

My doctor's appointment went ok, we discussed more changes to my meds. My waking in the middle of the night is due to the new med and it SHOULD go away. I hope so, I am so dazed and confused in the morning due to lack of sleep.