I Believe

I love this song.

Valentine's Day

When I was single I HATED Valentine's day. I always felt so alone and like everyone else was part of a couple. And then I met Sean. When Sean and I met I had no intention of getting involved with him. I had just broken up with someone who I thought I would marry and was scared to go out with anyone. A friend talked me into asking Sean out for a Valentine's dance that was taking place on February 16th.

I finally gave in and asked Sean out. He surprised me by showing up to work to take me out to dinner on Valentine's day. He brought me Laura Secord chocolates (yum). We spent the night talking and cuddling, sharing kisses. I felt like I was quickly falling in love and I was scared. That was 9 years ago.

This year, Sean again bought me Laura Secord chocolates (they are so yummy). The past nine years have been amazing! I love Sean so much more now then I ever thought possible.

I also have my little Valentine. Robbie was so into Valentine's this year. He was so excited about it. Robbie went with daddy to buy mommy a special present. Robbie gave it to me in the ER (while I was waiting to see Dr Chua regarding what we thought was a cyst - turns out to be a severe bladder infection), it was a Dora the Explorer pin that flashes lights. He was so proud to give it to me.

I love my "boys".

OLYMPIC FEVER

I am a huge, huge fan of the Olympics. I am so proud to be part of the host nation. No, I do not live in Vancouver but I feel the pride of my country. When I see Canadians doing their best I get tears in my eyes. I cry when I see the flag rising and hear our national anthem.

I loved the Slam Poem, reprinted here:

We Are More

by Shane Koyczan

When defining Canada

you might list some statistics

you might mention our tallest building

or biggest lake

you might shake a tree in the fall

and call a red leaf Canada

you might rattle off some celebrities

might mention Buffy Sainte-Marie

might even mention the fact that we've got a few

Barenaked Ladies

or that we made these crazy things

like zippers

electric cars

and washing machines

when defining Canada

it seems the world's anthem has been

" been there done that"

and maybe that's where we used to be at

it's true

we've done and we've been

we've seen

all the great themes get swallowed up by the machine

and turned into theme parks

but when defining Canada

don't forget to mention that we have set sparks

we are not just fishing stories

about the one that got away

we do more than sit around and say "eh?"

and yes

we are the home of the Rocket and the Great One

who inspired little number nines

and little number ninety-nines

but we're more than just hockey and fishing lines

off of the rocky coast of the Maritimes

and some say what defines us

is something as simple as please and thank you

and as for you're welcome

well we say that too

but we are more

than genteel or civilized

we are an idea in the process

of being realized

we are young

we are cultures strung together

then woven into a tapestry

and the design

is what makes us more

than the sum total of our history

we are an experiment going right for a change

with influences that range from a to zed

and yes we say zed instead of zee

we are the colours of Chinatown and the coffee of Little Italy

we dream so big that there are those

who would call our ambition an industry

because we are more than sticky maple syrup and clean snow

we do more than grow wheat and brew beer

we are vineyards of good year after good year

we reforest what we clear

because we believe in generations beyond our own

knowing now that so many of us

have grown past what used to be

we can stand here today

filled with all the hope people have

when they say things like "someday"

someday we'll be great

someday we'll be this

or that

someday we'll be at a point

when someday was yesterday

and all of our aspirations will pay the way

for those who on that day

look towards tomorrow

and still they say someday

we will reach the goals we set

and we will get interest on our inspiration

because we are more than a nation of whale watchers and lumberjacks

more than backpacks and hiking trails

we are hammers and nails building bridges

towards those who are willing to walk across

we are the lost-and-found for all those who might find themselves at a loss

we are not the see-through gloss or glamour

of those who clamour for the failings of others

we are fathers brothers sisters and mothers

uncles and nephews aunts and nieces

we are cousins

we are found missing puzzle pieces

we are families with room at the table for newcomers

we are more than summers and winters

more than on and off seasons

we are the reasons people have for wanting to stay

because we are more than what we say or do

we live to get past what we go through

and learn who we are

we are students

students who study the studiousness of studying

so we know what as well as why

we don't have all the answers

but we try

and the effort is what makes us more

we don't all know what it is in life we're looking for

so keep exploring

go far and wide

or go inside but go deep

go deep

as if James Cameron was filming a sequel to The Abyss

and suddenly there was this location scout

trying to figure some way out

to get inside you

because you've been through hell and high water

and you went deep

keep exploring

because we are more

than a laundry list of things to do and places to see

we are more than hills to ski

or countryside ponds to skate

we are the abandoned hesitation of all those who can't wait

we are first-rate greasy-spoon diners and healthy-living cafes

a country that is all the ways you choose to live

a land that can give you variety

because we are choices

we are millions upon millions of voices shouting

" keep exploring... we are more"

we are the surprise the world has in store for you

it's true

Canada is the "what" in "what's new?"

so don't say "been there done that"

unless you've sat on the sidewalk

while chalk artists draw still lifes

on the concrete of a kid in the street

beatboxing to Neil Young for fun

don't say you've been there done that

unless you've been here doing it

let this country be your first-aid kit

for all the times you get sick of the same old same old

let us be the story told to your friends

and when that story ends

leave chapters for the next time you'll come back

next time pack for all the things

you didn't pack for the first time

but don't let your luggage define your travels

each life unravels differently

and experiences are what make up

the colours of our tapestry

we are the true north

strong and free

and what's more

is that we didn't just say it

we made it be.

GO CANADA GO!!!

Rough Going

I am having a really rough time. I know that one of my goals for the year is to sop obsessing about another baby. I am failing miserably! I am somewhere around day 38 with no period in sight. I have done so many preg tests (I really hate to think how much money I have spent), all are negative. This is just so hard. Once my period finally comes I am going back on the pill forever. I talked to Sean about clomid - he said "no way". I had always said that I wouldn't use fertility drugs the second time around, guess we are sticking with that plan.

I found out some news that is bothering me. I friended an ex on facebook. In so many ways I did't want to know about his life but the earthquake in Haiti really brought him to mind. J is Haitian. Anyways, he has a 16 year old daughter, that means he was a daddy when we were dating! He never told me. The relationship was long-distance so it was easy for him to hide things. I remember him buying presents for his baby "niece".... I am now thinking the presents were for his daughter. I am really bothered by this, I would have still dated him knowing he had a child but not to know... And a little TMI but I went against my values because of this man. It just brings me back to how I felt when we broke up and I had to see my Bishop. Ugh! I am going to de-friend him. I never should have looked him up in the first place.

I hate remembering the mistakes I have made in my life...

Happy New Year!!

I have been thinking about this post for a few days now. What to write and how to remember 2009?

2009 in Review

I started the year in such a deep depression that I was barely functional. It was a really rough time on our whole family. Sean had to take over doing everything, which he did with little complaint. In March I started the Day Treatment Program, 4.5 months of intense therapy. It was hard, there were many days that I thought I would quit. I made it through, barely. I could have gotten more out of it but the things I did get out of the program are with me still. I feel more confident in my abilities to cope. I learned that I did not have to be a prisoner to depression.

Early on in DPT my mom was placed in a nursing home. I felt so guilty at the time, I know it is the best place for her but I felt bad about it as well. Life can be so hard.

After DPT ended I went back to work. I started back part-time working my way back to full-time over 4 weeks. I really enjoy being back at work. Part of it is probably the fact that I have more responsibility and that my managers like the work I am doing. I would like to go to a PSR position but I think that will be a bit before that happens.

In August I turned 40. I was looking forward to my birthday. I had hated turning 30 but I was fine with 40. Sean teases me a little (he is 5.5 years younger then me) but that is okay. At work I have had a lot of people tell me that they thought I was 30. I never have looked my age.

In September, Sean went back to school. He is studying mechanical engineering at Nait. He will be a technician not an engineer (he needs a degree for that), but he is really happy. His grades are great. I am very proud of my man.

Robbie is growing and learning so much. He is generally a happy, healthy boy. I am so proud of all he does. He is learning to read a few words and he is doing a little addition and subtraction. He can write most of his letters and is starting to draw pictures instead of scribbling.

I love my two men!

The Last Decade (2000-2009) in Review

Sean and I talked about this at dinner tonight. So much happened in our lives in the past 10 years. In 2000 I started work at Convergys, this is important because that is were Sean and I met again. In 2001, Sean and I met, had our first date and got engaged. In 2002, we were married. In 2003, we bought our condo. In 2004, I finally got pregnant with Robbie. In 2005, Robbie was born. In 2006 we went and saw my family in Toronto. In 2007, my dad died, we sold our condo and moved to Peterborough, Ontario. I started school at Fleming College for accounting. In 2008, I had a breakdown, we moved back to Edmonton, I started at the bank and then I had a bigger break down. In 2009, I finally got the help I needed for my depression.

So, lots of good things happened in the last decade. I hope the new one brings lots more good stuff.

Goals for 2010

Not really resolutions, because lets face it, most resolutions are broken.

1. More date nights with my hubby. I would like to have at least one a month. We started off good having a date night on January 1st.
2. Using Listerine every time I brush my teeth. I hate the stuff but I know it really makes a difference.
3. Turning off the computer at 7pm to start getting Robbie ready for bed. Apparently it bothers Sean when I am late getting Robbie to bed.
4. Attend church more regularly. Going to church has been hard for me, it is so hard being a part-member family. Robbie loves Primary and I really need to see that he attends.
5. Stop obsessing about another baby. I am slowly accepting that my body is not co-operating with me and I am not going to get pregnant. We really cant afford to adopt a newborn and right now are not in a place to adopt an older child. I will just have to wait and be patient for our family to grow.
6. Showing Sean how much I love him. I tell him all the time but I feel that I dont always show my love by my actions. I never want him to doubt my love for him.

So, that is my list and I am going to try to update how things are going at the beginning of every month.

May 2010 bring love and blessings to all my friends and family!