Cubs

Today I was invested into Cubs (gave my promise).  I was called as the assistant Cub leader at the end of December.  Robbie was really excited to have me as a leader.  I met with the leader and we planned out the rest of the year.  So far things have gone well.  The program is not that far off from Guiding which I have 10 years experience.  I think I bring a lot of experience.  We have 4 boys with 2 that should be coming up right away.  The small group is both good and bad, good because the boys are HYPER, bad because it is harder to play games.

2013

Is almost over, just under 2 hours left.  I am not going to recap the year as it pretty much sucked.  I am looking forward to the new year and hopeful of what it will bring.  I have made one resolution this year:

GO TO THERAPY AND ALL THAT IS INVOLVED WITH THERAPY

I do not think that I can do any more then that.  I would love it if this was the year that I lost weight, ate healthier, gave more service, etc but I cannot put that type of pressure on myself at this time.  Therapy will take a lot out of me and I need to put that first.

So, come on 2014 arrive and let me get myself mentally healthy.

Good mom? Bad mom?

I want to start this post with a link to this article Are you a good mom?

I have been feeling like a very bad mom lately.  My depression and BPD have been hard and making me doubt myself.  There are so many things I don't do, I get frustrated with Robbie, I yell at him, but I am doing something right.  Robbie knows I love him more then anything in the world.  My kisses and hugs are still magical and can fix any hurt.

The other night Robbie was playing a video game and stopped to tell me "you are the best mommy I could ever have".  That made me tear up.  The one person's whose opinion really matters if i am a good mom or a bad mom thinks I am the best mom.

I was the over-achiever mom earlier this week.  I found out that Robbie was to be the Inn Keeper for the Ward Christmas Celebration.  We had nothing appropriate for him and so I sewed him a costume.  I am doing a lot more sewing lately and finding some peace in seeing the beautiful things I make so I am not going to feel bad about the costume.  I am going to enjoy my little boy playing in the Nativity.

Shortbread Cookies

A friend gave me this recipe last Christmas.  In an effort not to lose it I am posting it here.

1 lb. butter, softened 1 1/2 cups icing sugar Mix above ingredients
1/2 tsp salt 1 tsp vanilla 4 cups flour (3 in mix, 1/2 cup added while kneading, 1/2 cup on flour board)
Mix in all other ingredients & knead. Roll out flat (1/4 inch thick) Cut with round cookie cutter. Press 1/4 Maraschino cherry into center.
Bake at 350 degrees til very lightly browned. (about 12 minutes)

Hospital and a Diagnosis

I am not proud to say that on September 14th I took an overdose of medications.  I had gone to the hospital on August 19-20 when I was feeling suicidal.  Even though I tried to get help it was not soon enough.  I had told a therapist that I was suicidal and their response was "so what".  That was very wrong and the therapist was mandated by law to report that I was suicidal and get me help.  She did not.  We tried calling the office, the best they could do was give me an appointment with someone else the next day, not soon enough.  Again they were mandated by law to report me.  They did not.  We called the crisis team, again no help.  With all that I sent Sean and Robbie on their way.  After some time I wrote a suicide note and then started swallowing pills.  My intention was to take 3 different types of pills but after I finished the new bottle of my anti-anxiety medication I could not open the other medications.  I fell asleep.  Sean had to call an ambulance when he got home.

I don't remember anything from the time I fell asleep until the next afternoon.  I was in the hallway at Grey Nuns hospital and our new Bishop and our Relief Society President were there.  I remember we talked about Robbie and what to do with him.  Our home teacher Mike Potter took Robbie in and helped with childcare while I was in the hospital.

The first weekend I had a day pass.  Before I left I saw the weekend psychiatrist.  She asked me if I though I had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  I told her that another psychiatrist had suggested it around the time of my dad's death.  She had me read some of "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" which I had a copy of at home.  The next day when she saw me again she asked what did I think.  I knew just reading the first few pages that I had BPD.  She formally diagnosed me with BPD.

I finally left the hospital on September 26th.  It was hard being in there.  I could not have my cell phone or ereader.  The hospital was hard on Robbie so I did not see a lot of him.  There were days that I did not see Sean.  The end result is that I am unable to work, and may never be able to work full-time again.  I have applied for CPP-Disability and hopefully that will kick in soon.

My body has been slowly adjusting to my meds and I am getting the help I need.  I am seeing a therapist, a psychiatrist and will be starting a group therapy program in January.  I hate that I had to have an overdose to get the help I needed but am grateful for the help I am finally receiving.