Weeks 13 - 17

I talked about how much I wanted another baby but I was questioning why I wanted another baby. I suggested that due to how things worked out with Robbie I might want a "do-over". When I said that I was immediately jumped upon by one of the guys in group telling me "to NEVER have another baby!" I was so upset, I was finally opening up about something that means a big deal to me and to have some jerk beat me up about it was so hard. One of the girls agreed with him. I felt so hurt and misunderstood. Of course I didn't mean that I wouldn't love another child, or that I would love a new baby more then Robbie. There are just things that I wished had been different. I didn't really get to enjoy being pregnant with Robbie once the gall stones started to give me problems. Since he was so small and had breast-feeding issues I didn't really get to breast feed. Is it so bad to want another baby and see if things are different?

Eventually both the jerks apologized. I really felt like telling them that they had no idea what they were talking about with both of them being childless. Especially the woman who doesn't want kids because she is afraid of blood...

Weeks 10, 11 and 12

I have not been too good at blogging lately. Therapy had kind of stalled. I feel that I am not getting anywhere. Then again, I am not talking. I just cant seem to relate to anything.

I had my second patient evaluation in week 11. I was asked about my sex life, I am sure that I turned 1000 shades of red.

I am not doing to well in the eating department. I keep eating foods that are full of sugar. I overeat as well. I need to do better.

I am becoming a more patient mom! There are things that Robbie has done that in the past would upset me that I am being more tolerable about.

Week Nine/Mother's Day

I am now half way through therapy. In some ways it seems like I should be further along and in others it seems like time has flown by. Therapy is going well, I am really getting into talking about my mom and how I feel about the Alzheimer's.

Mother's Day was really hard for me. I hated not being able to contact my mom and talk with her. I know that she wouldn't make sense anyways but I am really missing my mom. I remember the countless hours that we talked on the phone since I moved to Edmonton and I really miss that. I was always able to tell mom what was happening in my life and rarely did I get judged by her. I miss the closeness that we were able to forge over the long distance lines. I do believe that it is best that me and my family are in Edmonton, it does not change the fact that I feel very guilty about not living closer to my mom.

Today (ok, I know that today is week 10...) I talked about how hard Mother's Day was on me and how I missed my mom. I said that in some ways I wish mom was already dead, it is so hard to hear the reports of how mom is doing (or not doing). I think I am starting to grieve the loss of my mother.... How do you grieve for someone who is still alive?

Week Eight

It is hard to believe but I am almost half way through DTP. The week was ok. I talked a bit about Sean and I. The week ended with my "current family interview". The interview consisted of Sean, Robbie, Anthony (my therapist) and myself. I brought up what happened last weekend and my concern that there was no solution that would leave us both satisfied. Sean brought up that he has been giving into me for years. Well, now I know why we have agreed on everything and it is making me question every decision we have ever made. It was a hard meeting. It didnt help that Robbie had a poopy diaper during the whole thing, only clean diapers we had were in the car..... I will be so glad when potty training is over.... not soon enough...

Time Out for Women

This weekend was TOFW. I have never been before and hopefully this will not be my last time going. I had an amazing time. I feel better about myself and was reminded many times that I am a daughter of God. I learned that it is ok not to be a perfect mother, in fact motherhood is a learning process. Hearing that really helped me, I have been having a rough time. I question whether I should bring another child into this world when I am such a poor example of a mother. We are not trying for another baby until I am off my meds. I left feeling like I could be a good mother. I bought a few books plus a dvd of last years TOFW.

It was a good weekend!