Because I Have Been Given Much

This is the post that I have been thinking about for weeks.

The title comes from one of my favourite hymns. I will post the words of the song at the bottom.

I have so many health issue
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN MUCH...
I live in a time and place of many health advances to help me become healthier.

I had a rough start to life, living in an abusive environment
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN MUCH...
I was taken from that situation and raised by parents who loved me, I was given siblings that I love and who have taught me so much.

I suffer from infertility
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN MUCH...
I have a sweet little boy that starts Kindergarten in two weeks. Robbie is a sweet part of our family who brings much love and joy to our home.

I am on sick leave from work
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN MUCH...
I am still able to support our family with short-term disability insurance. While we don't have as much money as we want, we have enough for our needs.

I thought that I would never find love
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN MUCH...
I have a loving husband who is very support of me and loves me unconditionally (even if we have our moments at time).

I am pretty much an orphan
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN MUCH...
I had parents that loved me, and while my mom might not totally remember me I have had my parents for almost 40 years.

At times I feel old
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN MUCH...
I have lived longer then some of my friends and loved ones.

I have had many jobs
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN MUCH...
I have rarely been unemployed in my adult life allowing me to be self-sufficient, I now have a job I love and I have been put on a hiring list for a job with the government.

I am in constant pain
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN MUCH...
I have medication that helps and doctors who are working to getting me better.

There are many blessings that I have that I need to remember at times, this seems to be a time to remember what I have.

BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN MUCH...

Because I have been given much, I too must give.
Because of thy great bounty, Lord each day I live.
I shall divide my gifts from thee with every brother that I see,
who has the need of help from me.

Because I have been sheltered, fed by thy good care…
I cannot see another’s lack and I not share
-my glowing fire, my loaf of bread-my roof’s safe shelter over head,
that he too may be comforted.

Because I have been blessed by thy great love dear Lord,
I’ll share thy love again according to thy word.
I shall give love to those in need. I’ll show that love by word and deed,
thus shall my thanks be thanks indeed.

Adoption

On Tuesday Sean and I are going to an adoption information session. I was under the impression that there was a waiting list for the adoption classes and such and have since found out in Edmonton there is no waiting list. We will still attend the session and take our time with the paperwork and such. Of course we are not doing anything until I have surgery and know what is going on with my body.

Upset (pretty much a vent)

I have a post that I have been thinking about posting for a few weeks... this is not it.

As I had blogged before I have had pelvic pain since January 28th. I finally have a gyno that is going to do something about it. I was supposed to see him last tuesday, instead I woke up with what felt like a heart attack. Sean wasn't happy about it (knowing I would miss my appointment) but as I could barely breathe and movement wasn't really an option he called 911. I had a few scares at the hospital, when 5mg of morphine doesn't help the pain you need to worry. Blood work came back positive for blood clots, the doctor did say the test was very sensitive and he still thought that it was a torn muscle in my chest he couldn't risk my life. I has a CAT scan of my lungs. It was all clear. A torn muscle in my chest is doable, a blood clot in my lung, not so much.

On the tuesday I had also missed an appointment with my family doctor. I also had forms for him for work accommodation. Work was trying to find ways to help me deal with the pain, well my doctor had other ideas. The pain meds which I have been on are very strong, they are not working all the time because I am doing too much. It is hard not to do too much because I never know what will set of an attack. Anyways, he pretty much put me on bed rest, very little walking, no lifting. It pretty much sucks. Good thing I like reading.

Now comes why I am upset. On tuesday afternoons Sean takes Robbie to a program and drops him off for 90 minutes. Not far from the program is the mall where we used to work at Convergys. There is a donair place there that we both like so I suggested we eat a late lunch there. And that is what I did. Sean got mad at me for having a donair when he wasn't (he apparently ate lunch with Robbie), he was also mad at me for talking away his "alone time". Oh course he did not tell me this for a long time and then only because I emailed him saying how upset I was and I blamed myself for his bad mood when he wouldn't talk to me.

This has gotten me pretty upset. We have little time together which is just going to get worse in a few weeks when he is back at school. I thought I was doing a nice thing driving the two of them to the program. As we had talked about this several days ago he could have said at any time he didn't want me to take them. I have spent time today crying. When Sean tries to kiss my cheek I really try not to turn away (but I do). I really do not want to crawl in bed beside him tonight. If I could sleep on the couch and not be in pain I would. I am crying once again.

I am so frustrated. I hate taking the pain meds all the time and worse I hate what this is doing to my family.