While I was out for mom's funeral I got a call from the Edmonton Fertility Clinic, they needed to move up my appointment. I was happy for the news.
We went to the appointment and were given our test results. Everything was good to go ahead with injectable fertility durgs and then IUI. When my next period started with would go ahead. Well, do to the changed appointment time my period started about a week later. I went in for a baseline ultrasound and received my prescription for my medications. I went and found out how to give myself needles in my stomach and if I did not hear anything then I would start them the next day!
I started the needles and that was pretty scary. Getting myself in the right frame of mind was not easy but I started the needles. In a week I went for blood tests and another ultrasound. Nothing happening, keep taking needles and come back in 4 days. Nothing happening, increase meds and come back. And then the bad stuff happened :( I started to become itchy, I mean really itchy, I mean I was scratching until bleeding itchy. Finally Sean took me into the Emergency Room. We were in and out in less then an hour. I saw the triage nurse, went back and saw a doctor almost immediately! It seems that I was in Anaphylaxis without noticing it. I was taking Benedryl and did not notice my throat swelling! I was put on predinose and had my next clinic appointment the next day.
I was told to wait for for a phone call. It finally came and they said the cycle was cancelled, I was allergic to the meds. They said they could try another med next cycle (which would actually have to be in 2 cycles due to Christmas) BUT I might be allergic to the new med as well.
My heart was breaking but we made the decision that risking my life was not worth it. My death would not be good for Robbie and that was a possibility.
A week later I decided to take my HCG which I had already purchased and time intercourse. It was with no doctor intervention that I did this. Every morning I took a pregnancy test to test out the hcg. I finally got some blank tests and then I got what looked like a very faint positive test. It was so hard not to get my hopes up but I did. I was not pregnant.
I went and saw my family doctor. I am back on birth control and will be for a very long time. My heart still breaks as I consider that I will never be pregnant again. I am doing all I can to help myself get over the pain.
We will be starting adoption classes and such after one year. With both of us (Sean and I) starting new jobs we have to wait for one year of stability before we can start the procedures. It will take about 3-4 months to become adoption ready. I am excited for the prospect. We are looking at foster-to-adopt.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
While I was out for mom's funeral I got a call from the Edmonton Fertility Clinic, they needed to move up my appointment. I was happy for the news.
Posted by Margaret at 6:24 PM
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
On October 20th around 5pm I received the phone call that I have been equally expecting and dreading. My mom finally lost her battle to Alzheimer's. I love my mom dearly but I really lost her 5 years ago as the disease took her mind. I was surprised at my reaction to her death. I had said my good-byes and was at peace, or at least I thought I was.
I did not sleep that night, by 6am I was at the airport waiting to fly "home". It was hard leaving Sean and Robbie but it had to be done. I did sleep for a couple of hours on the plane. As I got closer to Toronto the tears kept coming and coming.
Mom's funeral was held on October 23rd.
Here is the talk that I gave at the funeral. There were slight changes made but overall this is what was said:
Good afternoon. Today I want to share some of my memories of my mom.
Everyone knew of my mom's addiction to Diet Pepsi, in her car there were always at least 2 cases of pop. Sometimes though, when my mom would go to bring in a new case she would find it empty. Us kids, the grand-kids, maybe even the neighbours had taken some.
Barb's daughter Angie said the other night that Aunt Myrna was her favourite Aunt and as mom hated to be called "Aunt Myrna" Angie made sure to call her "Aunt Myrna" every chance she got. Mom also hated being called "Mrs Burnfield" or "Sister Burnfield", it was always Myrna.
When mom still smoked she was in Utah visiting Edith, Nate and the kids. It was winter and there was someone visiting Edith. Kira and Josh put on their coats and boots. When questioned why, the simply stated they were going outside to have a smoke with Nana. That was when mom stopped smoking.
About 10 years ago I was talking to mom and she mentioned that she did not like Joel calling her Nana. He was too old to still be calling her Nana, she probably would have liked Joel to call her Myrna but I told her that she was always going to be Nana to her grand kids and great-grand kids.
When I had Robbie Mom came out to to Edmonton to help me. She told me that everyone was asking if Robbie was her grandson or great-grandson. I understood the question since it had been 10 years [edited: oops, my mistake, got Moranda's age wrong] since her last grandchild had been born.
Mom loved having her back scratched. I know that I could get almost anything I wanted from her if I scratched her back first. Borrow her car or money, just scratch her back first and it was mine. At times she would have you use a hair brush gently on her back.
I am pretty sure that Grace and Valerie are still traumatized by mom's use of hairbrushes. I know that I am. Mom would brush our hair by starting at the top and pulling hard not stopping for any tangles but ripping your hair out in the process. Maybe that is why all of us girls had short hair when we were young.
Just before I was married I was looking at my adoption certificate as it was with my birth certificate and saw the date of finalization. I quickly called my mom and asked her if she knew my adoption had been finalized on her birthday. She said "yes" and that I was the best birthday present she ever had. So being that I can be a brat and as the baby of the family I claim that I was her favourite! Although I don't think mom would ever admit to having a favourite. She loved all of us and were proud of all of us.
No matter how many grandchildren mom had she was excited for each new baby. Mom actually did not like babies, she preferred toddlers and preschoolers when they were able to do "something". That seemed to change when my son Robbie and Joel's son Benjamin were born, both were preemies and tiny. With Robbie she spent most of the time she was visiting me holding Robbie and watching him. I know she spent a bunch of time doing the same with Benjamin.
Mom was always coming out with things that would make you think twice and most likely laugh. The past few days I have heard mom called: a sweet spirit, generous, loving, giving and funny. That is how I hope we will all remember mom. The wonderful woman she was before the Alzheimer's took her mind.
As proud as mom was of all us kids and grand kids we are proud that she was our mom and Nana. We will miss her but she lives on in all of us.
In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Things that I meant to include but forgot in my grief:
- one day I found a secret stash in my mom's closet, what was the stash? Math text books! Mom liked working her way through math problems! Maybe that is why I decided to major in math...
- mom had what seemed like thousands of blankets on her waterbed. No matter how hard I tried I could never sort out her blankets to make her bed properly.
- when I finished my degree my family went together and bought me a beautiful watch to commemorate the day. Mom took me to get the watch engraved, she suggested that we engrave "at last". Ok, it did take me 6 years to finish my degree but still...
- On the first anniversary of Edith's death mom and I spent the day together. First we went to the Toronto Temple grounds. While walking around we both found benches and sat and had a little bit of private time to remember my sister. I sat praying that mom would feel Edith's spirit. She did, mom told me that she felt Edith along with her mom (Maria Waugh). After we left the temple grounds we went to the grave sites of our relatives that were buried in Oshawa. Every year I tried to call mom on June 30th to see how she was doing. Mom always said that I was the only one the remembered, I don't believe that but maybe I was the only one to actually ask mom how she was doing.
- One day when Jesse and Camielle were about 18 months old they were having a fight over "my nana". They kept going back and forth with "my nana, no my nana". Being a brat I simply said "no, my mommy". I am not sure who gave me the dirtier look, mom or the kids. And no, it did not stop the two from arguing whose Nana mom was.
- After dad died my family moved back to spend time with mom before the Alzheimer's got too bad. Living so far away we did not realize how things had already progressed. When we would take mom for a few hours or a day to give Grace a break my husband termed it "Nana-sitting". It broke my heart realizing that the mom I remembered was no longer.
- When mom went to the Temple for the first time she wanted to me to go with her, she said that she did not trust Grace or Valerie, see I was the favourite. I was unable to go but mom wore my Temple dress, it was too big but luckily the style made it ok.
- If I had the chance I would like to ask mom if she purposely died on Mike's birthday. I have often heard Mike, Glenn and my husband Sean say that they had the best mother-in-law. Maybe she was just making sure that Mike remembered her.
- When I called to tell mom that I was pregnant I called her "Nana". Mom's response was "what do you want Cassie". When I said that it was me she asked why I was calling her Nana and not Mom. Mom was so happy for me that I was finally getting to have a baby of my own.
Posted by Margaret at 2:29 AM
Thursday, October 4, 2012
I took a course called Women and Anger a few weekends ago. I enrolled myself as I often find myself going into rages and I know that is not a good way to deal with my feelings. Most of the women in the class were court ordered to go which gave me an interesting perspective. Here are my notes:
Roles of Women
mother, sister, grandma, aunt, coach, worker, cleaner, cook, teacher, friend, girlfriend, wife, caregiver, driver, co-ordinater, employer, nurse, doctor, helpmate, etc.
Anger is NOT a bad emotion, it is letting us know that something is wrong.
What do we feel when we are feeling anger? sadness, stress, hopelessness, frustration, fear, lonely
Triggers: stress, frustration, being alone, disrespected, hormones, whining
Feelings: sadness, frustration, fear, hopelessness, lonely, vulnerable, guilt, anxiety, hurt, loss/death, betrayal, jealous, grief, uncertainty, afraid, nervousness
My Personal Triggers: whining, mother-in-law, being unappreciated
What do you VALUE? value=beliefs, family, tradition, society, school, self-esteem, friends, partners, culture, religion
"good" woman/wife/mother = "do it all", crazy expectations --> we need to challenge these, what are OUR expectations? What is "good enough" for you?
Balance - we cannot do it all! when we try it leads to anger!
Do we have realistic expectations? If not we need to redefine our expectations
1. pretend things are normal
<---- trigger occurs
4. rationalize. 2. build up
3. Act Out
cycle continues until we stop it.
We CANNOT change or control another person, we CAN influence others.
Control: what you eat, thoughts, over actions, what we say, what we do each day
NO Control: other people (do, say, think, treat us), weather, traffic, aging, death, past, future
Influence: what house looks like, feelings, children, spouse, friends, family, co-workers
*How do you want to influence others? with love, caring, respect, using teaching moments, being a role model
*What do you want other to say about you when you leave the room? kind, friendly, caring, loving, helpful
We are not responsible for other peoples actions or reactions!
gravity: cause --> same effect every time
feelings: cause --> choice --> effect
If we spend all our time with things we can't control we miss out on things we can control or influence.
How much time is wasted on trying to change others? This is a form of bullying!
***We ALWAYS have a choice***
-based on lies
-we need proof and evidence for things to be true
-need to challenge assumptions, go to the source - ask
rage is a stress reaction, need to back down before rage, think about consequences
HIND BRAIN - aka dino brain, reactionary, first part developed, fight/flight, freeze response
MID BRAIN - emotional part
FRONT BRAIN - thinking, rational, memory
RAGE ANGER - mid and front brain shuts off, once we calm down the front starts working again
Balloon Analogy: each time we do not deal with something the balloon grows and grows until it explodes
*What is going on with me? express healthily, express needs
revenge is not the answer (added in by me, unless dealing with your evil mother-in-law)
TRIGGER: immediate emotional reaction, take time away to calm down, what are the long-term and short-term consequences? Is it worth it?
-give yourself time
-be empathetic and understanding - put yourself in their place, listen, understand
-instead of defending, think, take ownership
Validate your feelings
old ways of dealing with anger were not good, now replace them with new ways that are better
It is never too late to make changes.
Self-Care (fun, leisure, soothing, nurturing)
shower, sing, nap, pedicure, go out, walk, bath, hair, cuddle, bike, swim, sex, read, music, candles, chocolate, massage, watch tv, computer, deep breathing, etc
Posted by Margaret at 5:08 PM
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
On August 30th we finally had our appointment at the fertility clinic. It was good. Our appointment started at 3 and until we left at 5:30 we were either filling out paperwork, talking with the nurse or in with the doctor.
The plan is as follows:
blood work for both - std's, chicken pox, German measles etc
blood work - cycle day 3 for me - all the hormonal stuff
sperm analysis - Sean's first one was perfect
hsg (dye test of tubes and uterus) - next cycle
progesterone if cycle goes longer then 35 days (averaging 34-43 days) and after a blood preg test
then on to injectable fertility drugs and possible IUI
At my age I am not a candidate for IVF and we had decided long ago that we would not go that route.
So right now I am sitting at day 26 just waiting for everything to get going.
Do I really want to be pregnant at 43 and giving birth at 44? No, not really but I really want another baby in our lives. After the death of Bailey last year I have to do this. I am not in the right place to go ahead with adoption. It is still in consideration but right now I have to try this.
Posted by Margaret at 11:48 AM
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
So, my old whiplash injury has flared up. It hurts to turn my head, actually it hurts if I move my head in the slightest. Not fun. I am on pretty good meds now which are helping with pain and movement but not with dealing with life - try sleeping, cleaning, cooking when it hurts to move your head :(
Women and Anger: So, this weekend - friday night and all day Saturday I am taking a course on Women and Anger. I am hopeful that it will help me learn to deal with my anger. I will post things that I learn after the class is over.
Frustration: 1) We had to go to Walmart this evening to buy Sean a new watch, new steel toe running shoes and a few other things. Robbie was a brat! The rules we have had when shopping have not changed but Robbie broke all of them and then would question "why". The answer to why is we are the parents, deal with it!!! I have told him that if the next time we go shopping if he acts up then he will have to start staying home with a babysitter and the money to pay for the babysitter will come out of his allowance! 2) my friend is having both money and kid issues. I really feel like she wants me to tell her to come and live with us. Her 12 year old is a brat (massive temper tantrums several times a day, does not listen, screams and yells all day) and I would kill her if she lived here. I am pissed off that my friend is always whining about money - I am on disability and have not seen any money since mid-March. She buys crap constantly instead of paying her bills and I am supposed to care. She said her kid is suicidal, I gave her phone numbers of how to get help, does she do anything about it...of course not. She can whine to me about it. I am sick of being used by her! She owes me money and claimed the amount she owes me in her bankruptcy (her first one just ended in April and here she is again....) yet she can afford to take craft classes and buy craft stuff. I am really tired of it.
I do have some GOOD NEWS. Last week I had a job interview for a financial analyst for a Plastic making company. Today I got a phone call saying I am a finalist and will have a phone interview tomorrow afternoon! This would take a whole lot of stress off of me and Sean.
I should learn tomorrow about my disability and if it has been approved. I really hope so. Then we will find out when we will get our money. I should be getting about $2400/month. If they back-date things to March I should get $16,000 right away but they may not start paying until June but that would still be good.
Posted by Margaret at 8:29 PM
Friday, September 14, 2012
I have been horrible at posting...that is true in much of my life right now, horrible at many things....
Right now I am not being very good at taking my meds and so my depression is kicking my butt. I know better and I used to be so good about meds but now, not so much. Of course as the depression spirals down it gets worse, not taking meds make things worse, eating gets worse...
Right now I am back to isolating myself. I really don't have any real friends that live near me. Most of my friends are on-line and I question if they would be there if we lived closer...
I feel alone even at home. Part of that is my fault due to going into our bedroom and reading, shutting Sean and Robbie both out. But have you ever felt alone when you are sharing your bed with your spouse? We cuddle in bed sometimes but not often... I remember 11 years ago when we could sleep in a twin size bed and have room for a third person, now it seems like a queen bed in still not big enough.
I hate feeling like this :( I just want to feel normal again. I want friends who I can count on and that don't always use me. I want to be wanted by Sean. I want to be needed by Robbie. I want to be loved....
Posted by Margaret at 12:22 PM
Thursday, July 26, 2012
I am a little late posting this....
Our tenth wedding anniversary was on April 27, 2012. As we did not have a honeymoon we decided that we were going to do something "big". With money and Robbie being an issue we could not really take a trip so we decided to get a room at the Fantasyland hotel at the West Edmonton Mall for the weekend. It was kind of fitting as we wanted to go there on our wedding night and the one honeymoon day we had we spent at the waterpark there.
Sean described our weekend as follows: sex, eat, walk, sex, eat, sex, walk, eat....
How the weekend really went (and no I am not telling how many times we really did have sex nor I am I even going to mention when we had sex):
We took Robbie to a friend's house to spend the weekend and then headed to the West Ed. We checked in and I took some pictures of our theme room (we had the Hollywood Room but I think it would be better called the sex room - stripper pole, tantra sex chair....)
Posted by Margaret at 2:11 PM
Sunday, June 17, 2012
I have been thinking about something for awhile. I wasn't sure if I was going to make a "note" on Facebook or post here. I have decided to post here and post the link on facebook.
Recently I re-posted a picture on facebook saying something along the lines of "why do animal testing when there are so many paedophiles in prison". I had several negative comments and that surprised me, especially the one from Sean. Other people might not know my history of sexual abuse but Sean was there for me during first the preliminary hearing when we first started dating and then the trial just before we got married.
Recently a man in Texas caught some creep assaulting his little girl and killed him. The father's intent was not to kill the abuser as he just reacted to what he was seeing and started hitting the guy in the head - personally I would have aimed a lot lower. A friend posted about this and I mentioned my abuse. Ten years after Jack (Jacobus) Wubbolt (Edwards) was convicted in abusing me and two friends (19 years previously) I realized that I still rarely say anything in public. I feel like I still feel shame from being raped when I was 11 years old.
This is what I looked like in 1981:
I have to say that the negative comments from Sean hurt which is probably why a month later this is still so fresh in my mind.
I wrote my victim impact statement shortly after we were married. It took days and lots of tears to get through. Every word that I wrote still affects me this day. The memories of the preliminary hearing and the trial are like they happened yesterday. The day of the rape seems like minutes ago, I remember the clothes I was wearing right down to my socks.
There are several days etched in my memory never to be removed, the rape and the trial are the negative dates.
Posted by Margaret at 4:41 PM
Friday, April 27, 2012
I married my best friend!
Our wedding was at 11:30 am at Bearspaw Chapel and we were married by Bishop Lust (my dad did not think that his last name was appropriate for a Bishop). It was Bishop Lust's first wedding to preside over and everything took 5 minutes total (walk down the aisle, service, exchange of rings, walk back down the aisle...). We were just happy to be married.
One thing I really remember Sean saying as we prepared for our wedding is that he really liked that I talked more about our marriage then the wedding day. Even then I knew that the wedding was one day, our marriage if we wanted it to last forever would take work.
This past year I was not sure if we would make it to today. Having Bailey die and the stress it caused, health issues (which never seem to leave me), Sean's mom, and then everyday stresses put a toll on us. We never stopped loving one another but I wondered if we could live together. But here we are.
Usually on a 10th anniversary the wife will receive a new ring. I received mine early as I am a brat. I had always figured that I would get something like my wedding band and wear the three rings together. As things got worse with Joyce (Sean's mom) I no longer wanted to be wearing her rings (she constantly reminded me that they were HER rings). So we bought a new ring for me. It is not a traditional wedding band but I wanted a ring with sapphires (would have been my choice for an engagement ring) and found a ring that I love at Costco. Sean then complained that since my new ring was white gold it no longer matched his ring. So at Christmas I bought him a new ring.
These are not great pictures but here are our new rings:
Today Robbie will go to a family from church and Sean and I will spend the weekend in the Hollywood room at the Fantasyland Hotel. We wanted to go for our wedding but had no money to do so.
Posted by Margaret at 2:51 PM
Saturday, March 31, 2012
We put an offer on a condo on Thursday evening. By 10:30 we had accepted their counter-offer and are on our way to buying a townhouse again! It is 4-bedrooms and the backyard backs on to Sakaw park which neighbours Robbie's school!!
We got it for $211,500 which is not bad at all. Our mortgage payments will be similar to what we are paying in rent...might be a bit higher with condo fees but only by about $100. I so much prefer to own instead of renting. Rather my money go into my own equity then someone elses!
Robbie's bedroom will be on a different floor then ours! The second bedroom on our floor will be a sewing room until we have another child. The fourth bedroom will be a computer room for now. There is a large crawlspace for storage! Which leaves a big basement part for Robbie's playroom.
Built-in dishwasher, front loading washer and dryer, built-in vacuum are all wonderful too. I would have liked a glass top stove but having so many extra cupboards is a good compromise!
Our backyard has some cement blocks and grass! We have not had grass for the last 3 years! There is also gardening spaces! I am so exited! The back gate leads right into the park and we have 2 parking stalls!
Posted by Margaret at 10:17 PM
Thursday, March 29, 2012
I have so many things to post about, and I will get around to them. However, today I remember my sweet baby who died way too soon.
One year ago today (by day of the week not date) we found out that our very much wanted baby had died. The day had started out so wonderfully, a great day at work, a special lunch for a friend leaving the bank and then the ultrasound...
I was so excited to be showing Robbie his sibling, then we found out that Bailey had died. this last year has been so hard in many ways but today has been the hardest. I have cried off and on, my heart feels like it has been ripped out. I love my baby and miss them so much.
Sean sent me the following email today and it brought tears to my eyes but it also helped some:
"You are my wife, my lover, and the mother of my children. I will love you forever."
I loved that he included Bailey, that we have children and not just Robbie.
Losing a baby is hard, I know I will never forget my sweet little one. This year when they have the baby memorial service I will be able to go and visit Bailey's grave.
"A person that loses a partner is called a widow. A child who loses a parent is called an orphan. But there is no word to describe a parent that loses a child, because the loss is like no other."
Mommy loves you Bailey. "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my Baby you'll be." (Robert Muncsh)
Posted by Margaret at 8:43 PM
Friday, January 13, 2012
We have been having a lot of martial issues. They started in October and since that time twice I was going to leave. The second time I even rented an apartment. I did not really want to divorce Sean - I love him so much. Loving is the easy part, it is the living that is the hard part.
In December I went to Ontario. The plan being that when I returned I would be moving. While I was away we were able to talk about things. We are slowly working things out and getting back to normal.
That being said...I chose my marriage. I have made changes in my life to strengthen my marriage. Not everyone will understand the choices but that is ok. The choices I have made are mine, Sean was shocked by some of them, and I chose them freely.
Why do I post this here? Because I know there are people who will not understand my choices - no, I am not going into details. There are people who will judge me but their judgement does not matter. What matters to me is my family.
I love Sean and Robbie and that is what matters in the decisions I have made.
Posted by Margaret at 10:37 AM