Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Fertility Clinic

On August 30th we finally had our appointment at the fertility clinic.  It was good.  Our appointment started at 3 and until we left at 5:30 we were either filling out paperwork, talking with the nurse or in with the doctor.

The plan is as follows:

blood work for both - std's, chicken pox, German measles etc
blood work - cycle day 3 for me - all the hormonal stuff
sperm analysis - Sean's first one was perfect
hsg (dye test of tubes and uterus) - next cycle
progesterone if cycle goes longer then 35 days (averaging 34-43 days) and after a blood preg test

then on to injectable fertility drugs and possible IUI

At my age I am not a candidate for IVF and we had decided long ago that we would not go that route.

So right now I am sitting at day 26 just waiting for everything to get going.

Do I really want to be pregnant at 43 and giving birth at 44?  No, not really but I really want another baby in our lives.  After the death of Bailey last year I have to do this.  I am not in the right place to go ahead with adoption.  It is still in consideration but right now I have to try this.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012


So, my old whiplash injury has flared up.  It hurts to turn my head, actually it hurts if I move my head in the slightest.  Not fun.  I am on pretty good meds now which are helping with pain and movement but not with dealing with life - try sleeping, cleaning, cooking when it hurts to move your head :(

Women and Anger:  So, this weekend - friday night and all day Saturday I am taking a course on Women and Anger.  I am hopeful that it will help me learn to deal with my anger.  I will post things that I learn after the class is over.

Frustration:  1) We had to go to Walmart this evening to buy Sean a new watch, new steel toe running shoes and a few other things.  Robbie was a brat!  The rules we have had when shopping have not changed but Robbie broke all of them and then would question "why".  The answer to why is we are the parents, deal with it!!!  I have told him that if the next time we go shopping if he acts up then he will have to start staying home with a babysitter and the money to pay for the babysitter will come out of his allowance!  2) my friend is having both money and kid issues.  I really feel like she wants me to tell her to come and live with us.  Her 12 year old is a brat (massive temper tantrums several times a day, does not listen, screams and yells all day) and I would kill her if she lived here.  I am pissed off that my friend is always whining about money - I am on disability and have not seen any money since mid-March.  She buys crap constantly instead of paying her bills and I am supposed to care.  She said her kid is suicidal, I gave her phone numbers of how to get help, does she do anything about it...of course not.  She can whine to me about it.  I am sick of being used by her!  She owes me money and claimed the amount she owes me in her bankruptcy (her first one just ended in April and here she is again....) yet she can afford to take craft classes and buy craft stuff.  I am really tired of it.

I do have some GOOD NEWS.  Last week I had a job interview for a financial analyst for a Plastic making company.  Today I got a phone call saying I am a finalist and will have a phone interview tomorrow afternoon!  This would take a whole lot of stress off of me and Sean.

I should learn tomorrow about my disability and if it has been approved.  I really hope so.  Then we will find out when we will get our money.  I should be getting about $2400/month.  If they back-date things to March I should get $16,000 right away but they may not start paying until June but that would still be good.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Being Lonely

I have been horrible at posting...that is true in much of my life right now, horrible at many things....

Right now I am not being very good at taking my meds and so my depression is kicking my butt.  I know better and I used to be so good about meds but now, not so much.  Of course as the depression spirals down it gets worse, not taking meds make things worse, eating gets worse...

Right now I am back to isolating myself.  I really don't have any real friends that live near me.  Most of my friends are on-line and I question if they would be there if we lived closer...

I feel alone even at home.  Part of that is my fault due to going into our bedroom and reading, shutting Sean and Robbie both out.  But have you ever felt alone when you are sharing your bed with your spouse?  We cuddle in bed sometimes but not often...  I remember 11 years ago when we could sleep in a twin size bed and have room for a third person, now it seems like a queen bed in still not big enough.

I hate feeling like this :(  I just want to feel normal again.  I want friends who I can count on and that don't always use me.  I want to be wanted by Sean.  I want to be needed by Robbie.  I want to be loved....