Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year's Eve

So, the answer to the last post is "no". Right now I have too many money issues to deal with. I have friends that I will be accountable with and that is good for now.

My agenda for 2009 is to be healthy. I am not starting the new year on too good of a health note but I dont mean healthy from colds and such (although that would be nice too). I want to be mentally healthy, I want to do a better job at eating healthy, I want more movement in my life (ie. exercise) and I want to be a healthy mommy.

Today was the last of three solid days of having Robbie at home. Yesterday was horrible, while I didnt lose it I felt like I was going to. Today was much better, Robbie slept in later and that probably helped both of us to have a good day.

Sean is home tomorrow so that will be a nice start to 2009. We had a talk last night and it still amazes me how understanding of my depression Sean is. I am sure that by now most men would have run away, I am on my third major depressive episode since we got together, yet Sean stays patient with me and wishes there is more that he could do to help me. I am a very lucky woman and I remind myself of that every day.

Now here is to getting healthy in 2009!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Do I or don't I?

I am trying to decide if I should rejoin Weight Watchers. Right now I can register for free and then I just have to pay the weekly amount. I am just not sure of being able to pay the weekly amount... I just dont know if WW is a justifiable budget item. I know that I have to do something about my weight and I need to be accountable to someone other then myself. Being accountable to myself only sets me up for failure, if I feel that I have not lost weight then I put off weighing myself (or "forget" to weigh myself). If I rejoin WW I would feel that I had to go as I had spent the money, I went every week last time I was a member. I did see some movement on the scale, it was slow movement but not as slow as things are going now.

I have had a rough holiday. I am so down and couldnt care less about Christmas. I took down the tree on Boxing Day. I was so sick of it and the thought of keeping it up for another week made me anxious. I find when my anxiety gets high then everything around me starts getting chaotic, then I lose control.

I now have 3 days of having Robbie during the day. I am not looking forward to it. Sean keeps asking if I am going to be ok. Well, the only other alternative is for him to stay home and that can't happen so I am going to have to deal with him. Luckily Robbie is getting back into a normal sleeping routine, he is much healthier then he has been (of course he shared his cold with mommy and daddy).

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

"Twas the afternoon before Christmas...

and all through the house there was quiet! Robbie got up with Sean at 4am this morning so by noon he was toasted! After a bit of yelling I decided to put him in his room for both of our sakes. Robbie screamed for a few minutes then started going to the door and saying "daddy, where are you?". He then started playing quietly and then there was silence. After 30 minutes of complete silence I checked on him and he was fast asleep on his bed, I thought he might be on the floor but he had climbed up on the bed.

Sean is home from work, I like the 2:30 end times of these 6am sifts, hopefully Robbie will not get up with daddy every day. I put a ham in the oven and so for Christmas eve we are eating ham and rice for supper, yummy!

Joyce called and wants us to be there for noon tomorrow. It will depend on what time everyone is awake and we have breaky, get ready and all that. I am cooking breakfast tomorrow - pancakes and sausage. It should be good. I also have to call my family tomorrow, I am always the one to call them. Last year we spent it with them.

Sean and Robbie's presents are all wrapped and ready to go under the tree. The stuff for Robbie's stocking is mostly ready, I bought him a little more chocolate then I thought I had. I am looking forward to the morning and Robbie's reaction to his gifts. I am also curious to see what Sean got me. I hope Sean likes his gifts, this is the first time that I didn't buy him boxers - I bought long underwear instead (giggles).

Merry Christmas everyone!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

One Week until Christmas

People have been commenting on me looking better and sounding better but I dont feel it. I am not feeling as down as I did last week but I still have little to no energy. I have gone out and done things such as the ward Christmas party and shopping with Joyce but it has been very difficult.

I had good news today, I was accepted into the Day Program and now I just have to wait until my start date. I will have an orientation sometime in January which will give me my exact start time. I am happy that I got in but worried about all the hard work it will be - 5-7 years of psychotherapy in 4.5 months!

Robbie has been getting up at 5am, next week Sean is starting 6am shifts and will be leaving at 5am.... I hope he doesnt start waking up even earlier.

My fan died last night and so I had a horrible time trying to sleep. I miss my fan : ( Sean slept really well without the noise so I guess I should learn to sleep without the fan : (

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Feeling Over-whelmed

The last couple of days I have had anxiety attacks when it is time to pick up Robbie from daycare. I can't stand the whining and crying that goes on. I need to get my emotions under control to be able to deal effectively with Robbie. I hate that Robbie can make me feel so unworthy and useless. I know that the day program will help but can I make it until then? I have seriously thought about going back to Emerg, telling then that I can't cope with life. I am not suicidal but I do feel like I need to be in a safe place, home is just not feeling safe to me. I am ok when Sean is around but when I am by myself or with Robbie it does not feel safe to me.

I see my family doctor tomorrow. He has to fill out forms for me. I will tell him how I am feeling and see what he suggests.

I just want to feel better!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Catching Up

It has been almost a week since my last post. Ooops. I can't even say that I have been really busy, I have been exhausted though. My new med has me waking up at 2am for a few hours (1-4 hours) and so I am tired all day. I have been going to bed at 7:30, before Robbie even!!! But I am having troubles shutting off my brain so that doesn't help either.

I finished all my Christmas shopping and all of Sean's presents are wrapped. Robbie keeps looking for presents under the tree - not happening until he is in bed Christmas eve. Robbie is loving his advent calendar although he always wants more then one chocolate a night. Eventually I want to make a permanent advent calendar that has a scripture or quote and possibly room for a treat.

I have been getting little things done during the day, some dishes (I hate not having a dish washer) or some laundry or some shopping. I am proud of anything I accomplish right now. It is a huge effort to even get out of bed most of the time.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


So, I thought it was time to list some more of the blessings in my life.

  1. Sean and Robbie, they will always top my list.
  2. Jesus Christ, from whom all blessings come.
  3. My church, for the support that they give us.
  4. Having a car that works, we dont use it often but it is a big help.
  5. Having a roof over our heads that is warm and comfortable.
  6. Having enough food to eat.
  7. Clothes to wear, especially warm ones right now.
  8. Sean having work.
  9. Friends who are supportive of me and get that depression IS an illness.
  10. Being able to hear my sweet husband read bedtime stories to our son.

Monday, December 1, 2008


has been on the ball and his elves have everything for Robbie. Unfortunately the elves say that Sean is too big to make toys for and so I have to brave the stores and shop for him myself.

I wanted to send some Smarties to my American friends and family (Santa is Canadian after all) but money is too tight.

Robbie had his first advent chocolate tonight and promptly wanted more. Not really a surprise. The only one I could find was a "High School Musical" one... but it is all candy to my boy.

My doctor's appointment went ok, we discussed more changes to my meds. My waking in the middle of the night is due to the new med and it SHOULD go away. I hope so, I am so dazed and confused in the morning due to lack of sleep.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Christmas Tree

Today we put up the tree and decorated it. It is a little bottom heavy from Robbie putting on the decorations but I am sure the tree will be rearranged a few times before the big day. I kept forgetting to buy Robbie an Advent calendar so I need to get one tomorrow. I am hoping to get some shopping done tomorrow but I do have a doctor's appointment that I need to leave at 12:30 for. By the time I get back home it will be time to pick up Robbie. Sean will be home sometime between 5:30-6 from his first day at work.

I am mad at Sean right now. With all the financial problems we are having he went to Smitty's for lunch. He promised he would not go there anymore. I have lost some trust in him which is not good. I don't know how to get over my anger. I feel like he did it to punish me and make me more stressed, if so it worked. I was just starting to get over my stress about finances.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Meeting with my Bishop

Last night Sean and I went to talk to my Bishop. I feel better about things. Bishop McQuay has helped me to see that I need to take care of myself. Right now that means I need to be home from work and the sacrifices that involves. I am no good at work or home at the moment, I need the healing time of the day program to get well. Our family is blessed in so many ways. I try to remember to say thank you for everything in my prayers but I feel that it is not adequate.

We picked up the application form for HomeEd, which is a subsidized housing program. You pay 27% of your gross income in rent (up to market value which is actually less then market value really is). If we could get into the program the lower rent would be another big blessing. I asked today about the waiting list and the manager said it could be anywhere from a month to a year or longer, it just depends on when a space becomes available.

We are also applying for daycare subisty, it appears that they will pay about 80% of our daycare costs! I need to get a letter from work saying that I am on unpaid medical leave. Hopefully I will be able to get that in the next few days.

Sean and I decided that we are still getting each other Christmas gifts for one another. Sean's gift to me might be late as he is ordering it online. I am unsure what to get him. Maybe I will have to check out Warp in the mall and see what new D&D stuff they have.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

What Have You Done...?

I stole this from Kate's blog. I was feeling bad about not posting last night.

What Have You Done...?

1. Started your own blog

2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child - no but I was adopted
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked - but I knew the person
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie - if home movies count
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Guide Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check (And that's CHEQUE for us Canadians, EH?)
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in Arlington Cemetery
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury - no but was called to jury duty
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Thankful Tuesday

As much as this depression is affecting me I can still be thankful about things. Today I am thankful for many things:

  1. Sean and all the cuddles he has been giving me. At least once a day we have cuddle time.
  2. Sean getting the job at Voxcom, he starts monday
  3. Robbie being such a good boy the last few days.
  4. Friends and family who are so supportive of me, some even read my blog :-)
  5. Church, although my faith is being tested right now I still know that I am a child of God.
  6. Sean for being supportive of me attending the day program.
Tonight I made supper for the first time in a long time. It wasn't great but it was edible. I am sure that as I have more "good" moments that my cooking skills will return.

I heard from the Insurance Company today regarding the paperwork that I need to submit. I looked over everything and they don't give you very much space to put anything! I have to use Sean's computer to print everything as Adobe doesn't like Vista.

Monday, November 24, 2008

What to do?

I had my therapy session today. It was ok but we talked about what program I should be in. The therapist thinks that it would be best for me to go into what they call the "day program". The program is intense group therapy that lasts 9-5 for 18 weeks! I would be unable to work until after the therapy is over. If I am accepted into the program it will be about two months on a waiting list. That means at least 6.5 months before I would be going back to work! Sean says that I shouldn't worry about the money (or lack of it) but should do the program if that is what is going to help me in the long run. I am trying not to worry about money but it is a huge concern for me. I am already stressed with our finances and if I am off longer then a month or so our debts will increase. Once we got out of debt I swore that we would never be in debt again. I don't qualify for medical employment insurance, I need 600 hours worked in the last 52 weeks. I feel like I should just go back to work and pretend this never happened. I feel sick to my stomach right now, I feel so much stress it is worse then ever.

Sean has not heard back from his friday interview. He did call them and they are going to get back to him by noon tomorrow. I really hope that he gets it. It will help with some of the money stress but not all of it.

Sunday, November 23, 2008


That is how I am feeling today, just bleh. We had supper with Sean's step-brothers, something that I really looked forward to in the past, and it was just bleh. The food was good and everything but I just felt apart from it all. I have a counselling session in the morning. Sean said that if I didnt already have an appointment he would be insisting that I saw someone.

Friday, November 21, 2008

It's Friday

I have decided that as boring as my life is I am going to try and post every day. Today Sean had an interview for Voxcom doing tech support. He most likely got the job, it just had to be cleared by someone in Montreal. He will find out monday.

I heard from work today and I am on an unpaid medical leave. It will go through the insurance company to help work understand that I am dealing with a medical condition and work to get me back working. Not being paid will make things tight but with Sean working we will survive. We were bad today and went to Montana's for lunch, that place is expensive but the food is soooo good.

I am sleeping horribly at night so I am trying to take my new med at night and see if there is a difference. I had a nap this afternoon which was really nice, I needed it! I had a pretty ok day.

I saw my doctor this morning, he is happy that I am going through the U of A program. He thinks that it will really help me. I hope so. I have another appointment at the U of A on monday.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Tired of pretending

I am tired of pretending that everything is ok. Things are not ok, I am severely depressed, I am unable to work, getting out of bed in the morning is an accomplishment. I am trying to get help and this time around I will take all the time and help that I need. I can't continue to live life this way. It isnt fair to Sean or Robbie and most importantly it is not fair to me.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Having a bad day

Today has been a rough day. I didnt sleep well last night and so I slept through church. I wasn't at church last week because Robbie was sick, that makes me missing church two weeks in a row! Yuck!

The healthcare nurse came and did a followup on how I was doing. She thought that I was making small positive improvements. I have been feeling better for the most part. I am still really tired most of the time. Work is going ok, my brain isnt always with it but I am getting through the days.

Sean quit working at Best Buy, it was either quit or drop down to part-time. Part-time wouldnt pay the bills so Sean quit. He has two interviews already this week. The one tomorrow is downtown so we are going to meet for lunch. We are trying to avoid eating out but one lunch won't break the bank, especially at the food court.

I dont know if it is the financial stuff that it upsetting me or if it is something else but I am down today.

The light therapy is helping somewhat, at least I think it is starting to make a difference. I am not expecting miracles after one week. I need to recharge the batteries so I will be ready to go for tomorrow.

I am ready to drop off to sleep so even though it is only 7:30pm I am going to go to bed. G'nite!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Light Therapy

I started on light therapy today. I was back at the hospital feeling suicidal. I hated being there. At first I was kept in emerg as there wasnt a bed for me. I spent about 20 hours in emerg with my every move being watched, I at least got to shut the door when going to the bathroom. Finally I was moved to a locked ward, there things were a little better. Friday morning I saw the psychiatrist and asked to go home. After talking for a bit, he agreed to let me go home. I was really missing Robbie and Sean. The doctor suggested that I might have SAD (seasonal affective disorder) along with the underlying depression. He did suggest that once I have a medical plan (starting in December) that I change meds (but I guess that will be up to whatever psychiatrist I am seeing. He also suggested that I needed light therapy, I figure anything that might help is good to try. The light is VERY bright! I have it on for 15 minutes/time. It should only take a few days to notice a difference.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Kidney Problems

I had a bad kidney infection that took a long time to go away. The doctors' thought it might be kidney stones but after a CAT scan there was nothing to be seen. I am still having some pain, not too bad though.

I am now up to 14 lbs lost, being sick helped.

Sean took Robbie to see "Bob the Builder" at the mall. Robbie loved it, Sean hated it, am I surprised...

Waiting for Bob to start

Playing on the Bob ride

Robbie is getting so big.

Having brunch with daddy.

Every time finds a phone he has to talk on it... it works great for when telemarketers call.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Windy Wednesday

Today was very windy, at times I wondered if I was going to blow away. I had a doctor appointment so I took the car and parked at the bus terminal to go to work. When Sean took Robbie to daycare this morning Robbie was watching the wind blow things around, then he noticed the car was missing.

Robbie's comment....."wind blow car away"

Sean did explain that mommy took the car to work but we both had a good laugh.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Back in time

This week I have found myself reliving the past. A young father that I knew passed away. His death was fairly sudden and he left two young daughters, the oldest being three. Mike's death has hit me hard and I couldn't figure out why. I was not close to Mike or Nancy, I know them from church, enough to say "hi". Today I finally knew why I was having such a hard time. Mike was 26, my sister, Edith, died just before she turned 30; both left young families. Edith's death had a profound effect on my life, while her passing is far enough in the past that I don't think of it every day it still hurts to know that she is gone. I wonder how her children would have turned out if she had lived - not that they are bad kids, they are great kids. I just feel sad that they had to grow up without their mother's guidance. My brother-in-law did remarry but I grew up with a step-mother and it is just not the same. I wonder about the changes in my life if my sister had lived. Edith was my positive influence and my rock. I can't change the past but I do live with a lot of "what ifs".

Thursday, September 25, 2008

10 Pounds !!

So, I did my weigh-in on wednesday as I was sick on tuesday. I lost another 2 lbs! So from when I stated weight watchers I have lost 10lbs! Yeah Me!!

I am feeling pretty good about work. I am learning another section of the job, which is really easy. I am actually very bored by it all. Sean started working for Costco in the electronics department. It means that some nights I pick up Robbie and do supper and bed on my own. I am happy that Sean found something he likes, I think he was getting discouraged about not working.

I went to see my doctor, I think the depression is returning so he upped my meds a little and I will see him in two weeks to see if things have improved.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

First weigh-in

Today is the first weigh-in day for Dr Phil's challenge. I havent weighed myself yet, I hate weighing myself just after eating. It has now been two hours since I ate supper and soon I will go and step on the scales. I am not expecting any weight loss at this point in the game.

I am making healthier food choices. I also make sure that I have snacks at work so I dont eat the chips and candy that are every where. I did have a sugarless Worther's candy today, I was happy that I stopped at one.

Work is going well, today I learned a new task that was super easy. I took Dr Phil's Weight Loss Solution with me today to read at lunch. I am now working on key #2 and I cant remember what it is about at the moment. Oh right, emotional eating, which I am VERY guilty of. I am trying really hard not to eat out of boredom or stress.

We are still waiting to hear about Sean's interviews from last week...

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Dr Phil's Weight Loss Challenge

Yesterday I started Dr Phil's weight loss challenge. I have started to read Dr Phil's weight loss book (have NEVER finished it). Right now I am at the section of making goals. So here are my goals:

1. On September 12, 2009 I will have lost 100lbs. I currently weigh 273lbs so in one year time I will weigh 173lbs.
I will complete this goal by:
a) making healthy food choices
b)drinking at least 1L of WATER per day
c)walking more; walking to the farther bus stop, taking a walk at lunch
d)eating 3 meals plus two snacks per day
e)weighing myself once per week on the Wii Fit

2. I will stop thinking negatively about weight loss. I can and will loss weight. I am no longer going to blame my PCOS for slow weight loss but I am going to work with it. I know there are things that can help with weight loss and I will do those things.
a)when I find myself making excuses I will stop and write down the reasons I am obese - eating too much, not exercising, etc.

Monday, September 8, 2008

First Day

It is ironic that I started a new job in September when I have always felt that September represents new beginnings. I guess that after being a student for so long that it makes sense to me that the new year starts in September and not January.

The day went by fairly slowly and I was happy to see 5pm. For the rest of the week I will be working 9:00-5:30 with an hour for lunch. While we are still at our old location we can dress "casual" for wednesday to friday with monday and tuesday being business casual. We move to the new location October 17th (I think that is the date we were given). We got our computer logins and learned a little about the systems we will use. Within the next three months we will be expected to do 25 "statements" per day. I did 2 in about 30 minutes today so I expect that I will be up to expectations by then. After 3 months we need to do 35 statements.

There are 5 others that started with me, one of the girls has a different postion then the rest of us. It seems like a good crowd to work with. I met my manager for a few minutes. Right now I am training with another team but will get switched over to my team. Once I transfer to my team I will be working 10:00 - 6:00.

I will see how things continue but so far so good.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Happy Dance

I was offered the position on the spot! I go in tomorrow for some paperwork, credit check etc. Once all the paperwork is cleared then I start, probably September 8-9th. Yeah me!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Job Interview

Tomorrow I have a job interview with TD CanadaTrust. It is for a credit administration officer. Working for a bank is so different from doing tech work, I would be happy for the change. Robbie is sick, we kept him home from daycare with a fever. Poor little guy. We are waiting for a guy to come and light the pilot light on the furnace, our land lady is a bit of a dip and turned it off. It is pretty bad that we need the furnace already but fall weather has set in.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Happy Birthday to me!

Today is my birthday. I had a fairly quiet relaxing day. Sean bought me a digital photo frame which was nice. He loaded a bunch of pictures on it for me. Right now it is in our bedroom, it will probably stay there for now. Joyce came to spend more nana-time with Robbie so we could go out to supper alone. We went to Tony Roma's, it had been a year since we were there. We had a great meal and then we stopped to buy some birthday cake which Robbie had been asking for all day!

One more year and I will be 40.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008


We made it! We decided not to stay in Wainwright after visiting with Tammy. We drove straight to Edmonton. As Joyce was still away for the family reunion we stayed in a hotel. The hotel had no pool so Sean and Robbie went to the waterpark while mommy tried to sleep. Not long after they left Joyce called and convinced mommy to check out early and go to her house.

We spent 5 nights with Joyce while waiting for our stuff to arrive. We received notification that our stuff would be dropped off on Sunday between 2-6pm. The truck arrived at 4:30 and 2 hours later everything was done. I quickly made up the beds and we went and picked up Robbie. Our first night in our new home! It was nice to be away from Joyce and in our own place.

Sunday, August 10, 2008


Half-way through the journey! Wooo Hooo! It was nice spending time with Aunt Viola and seeing my cousins again. Robbie went and played with Jennifer right away. There was a motorcycle toy that Robbie played with for hours. We had dinner with the family and went back to the hotel.

The trip has been hard on all of us. The hotel we are staying at looks like a dive, the room is small BUT there is an awesome pool/waterpark! Robbie has had a blast playing on the waterslide with Sean.

Saturday night Uncle Doug came home from work and then came to visit with us. Robbie had so much fun with Uncle Santa. Robbie's laughter was so funny, he was pretty excited. We were worried that he would be hard to put down to sleep but it was not too bad.

Uncle Doug, Robbie, Aunt Viola

Uncle Doug and Robbie

Sunday morning we met everyone for breakfast and then headed on our way. The driving is halfway over but no more plans for two days somewhere. The breaks havent been too relaxing for any of us.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Thunder Bay

Our stay in Thunder Bay was nice. We went to the Terry Fox Memorial. It was really nice. I enjoyed seeing it. I took pictures of Robbie and I with the statue. It is amazing to realize how much Terry Fox has impacted our lives, all he wanted was $1 from every Canadian for cancer research, 28 years later what a legacy.

We went to Fort William. It was nice but so buggy. We were swarmed by mosquitoes and when we left we all had lots of bug bites around our ankles.

The Sleeping Giant


All by himself

Terry Fox

Saturday, August 2, 2008


Today we spent the day with my friend Kelly and her family. We went to Bell Park and played on the playground and then the boys spent some time digging in the sand on the beach. Robbie was brave and even went into the water a bit. Sean had to go and rescue him before he went too far out. We then went for lunch at 2pm. After lunch we came back to the hotel for a nap (me) and swimming (Sean and Robbie). I really needed the nap! After supper Sean got Robbie ready for bed and then he went to play with his DS while I got Robbie to sleep. Robbie finally went to sleep at 9:15, which is the earliest he has gone down!

Tomorrow, after breaky and checking out of the hotel we leave for Sault Ste. Marie. It will be about a 4 hour drive, which is long enough for me.

I do need to make better food choices.... I dont want to gain weight while moving...

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Moving Day

Today the moving company came to pick up our stuff. They said they would be at our apartment between 10-12 and they arrived at maybe 10:05 am. It took 2 guys 4 hours to load 122 pieces of "stuff" (boxes, furniture etc). We went and got a snack and got our hotel room for the night. We are staying at the Super 8 in Peterborough which is brand new. We had to go back to the apartment to do a little cleaning and such.

We tried new water wings on Robbie. They did not give enough bouancy so off for a quick trip to Canadian Tire for a life jacket. After supper the family went for a swim and in the hot tub. Robbie is quite the little swimmer! He was running and jumping in the pool... almost on top of mommy (lol).

Sean is reading bedtime stories and mommy is wondering if she will get to watch "So You Think You Can Dance". If not life will go on.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Babies - part 2

Sean read my first post and thought that the second listing were the only reasons I was wanting a baby. There are more reasons, most I am unable to put into words. Sean thought that I might want a "do-over", well there are things with my pregnancy with Robbie that I would change I would not give up my sweet boy for anything. He is a blessing in my life. He can be a handful, but I know that it must be the "mother's curse" (having a child just like you were) in effect. At three I had been in a few foster homes and back with Doreen at least once. I cant even imagine that kind of instability in Robbie's life, how I made it through my first 5 years without severe psychological damage is amazing to me... then again, how much of my depression now is based on my early years, we will never really know.

I am not feeling so stressed about moving. I finished up all the "paperwork" (getting power, phone, gas, etc) and that makes me feel better. The packing will be finished, whether things are just thrown in boxes at the end or done neatly. Almost everything is packed. I have pictures and such to mail but nothing pressing to do. I might just survive this move.

Saturday, July 19, 2008


A few on-line friends have recently had their babies. While I am thrilled for them, especially since they are first babies, I am still jealous. I want another baby but there are so many reasons not to get pregnant. Also I wonder if I want a baby for the wrong reasons.

Reasons not to get pregnant:

  • my medications are could cause birth defects and/or miscarriage/stillbirth
  • I am almost 39 so getting pregnant could be even harder to get pregnant this time around
  • I had such severe PPD with Robbie and don't want to put Sean through that again
  • if I change meds to support a pregnancy I could spiral into a deeper depression
  • I am not such a good mom with Robbie, Sean does most of the care

Reasons I think I want another baby:

  • I want a "normal" pregnancy
  • I want to be able to breastfeed
  • I want to experience waiting for baby to arrive
  • I miss the cuddling of a newborn
  • I miss the kicks during pregnancy
  • I miss the infant stage, where everything is new

I know that I need to pray about having another baby, but I am afraid to. I dont want the answer to be "no" yet I am also afraid of the answer being "yes". After we move I will make an apointment with Dr. Chua and discuss things with him. I think if he says it is not a good idea, I will discuss getting my tubes tied.

Friday, July 11, 2008

I Love Reading!

I took this off of a friend's blog. The top 100 books. According to Big Read the average person has read 6 from the list. The ones I have read are in bold.

1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

4. The Harry Potter Series - JK Rowling
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible
7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8. 1984- George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12. Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot
21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh .
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34. Emma - Jane Austen
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
36. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis (um, isn't this included in #33?)
37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38. Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41. Animal Farm - George Orwell
42. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48. The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50. Atonement - Ian McEwan
51. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52. Dune - Frank Herbert
53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov Nabokov
63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68. Bridget Jones’ Diary - Helen Fielding
69. Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70. Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker
73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses - James Joyce
76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78. Germinal - Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession - AS Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry .
87. Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94. Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Now I have a goal to read the rest of the list. I will have to print the list off and see what ones my mother-in-law owns.


I had really wanted to go to the Hill Cumorah Pagent this year. I even got Sean to agree with us going. I found probably the last hotel room anywhere near Palmyra. Things just kept feeling not right. Finally I decided that it was not a good idea for us to go. Thursday was a rough day. I was so depressed by my decision that I could barely get out of bed.

Today has been a bit better. I am still sad but I am coping. It is hard to give up something I wanted so much. Sean has been sweet, dealing well with my grumpy moods. Didnt help that I got sick in Zellers - I really thought I was going to lose my breakfast. I took gravol and slept all afternoon. When I woke up I was able to eat supper.

I have been craving salt and gave in and walked to 7-11 for au gratin chips. I ate about half the bag. My sodium intake had been pretty good today, until the chips. I really am noticing a difference with tracking on then with tracking points. Next weigh in will see if there is a difference in weight loss.

Monday, July 7, 2008

So Freaking Hot

I can't stand it any more. It is so freaking hot in our apartment that I am totally losing my patience. Today Sean went to touch me and I freaked out at him. Our apartment is about 35C! The aircon had to be turned up to 32C because it was spitting water everywhere. What good is an airconditioner if it is turned up so that it is cooler outside???? I finally had it and we are uninstalling the aircon part and just using it as a fan. Sean really doesnt seem to get how much this heat is driving me crazy!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Happy Canada Day

Canada day tends to be a bad day. Seventeen years ago I was told my sister had died on Canada day, she had actually died on June 30th. It is a reminder every year of how much I miss Edith. Three years ago we brought Robbie home from the NICU on Canada day. I thought that might have changed how I am affected by the date. It worked for two years but now I am back to dreading it. I have spent the day grumpy and wanting to be alone. Yuck!

Oh well... to make things better here is some pictures of Robbie coming home as a newborn.



Thursday, June 26, 2008

Happy Birthday Baby Boy

How can my baby be three? The time has flown by. We took Robbie to Chuck E. Cheese as we had to cancel his birthday party due to thunder storms. Not a good idea to have an outside party when they are calling for thunder storms. At first Robbie did not seem interested in playing. After we ate Robbie found a train that would go around the tracks, you could push buttons to make different train noises ~ Robbie loved that. After watching mommy play "Skee Bowling", daddy had to give it a try. Robbie was helping daddy. Then Robbie found the Barney Train and finally let us put a coin in to make it work (first time ever he stayed on a moving ride). One ride was all it took, the rest of the coins were history. An exhausted boy fell asleep as mommy drove the hour home.

Before CEC I went and got weighed. I was down another 1.2 pounds. I was happy to lose that much as I had a really bad week of eatting. It is hard not to emotionally eat, I have done it all my life. I am learning slowly to do other things then eat, mostly going to bed and reading.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Bad, Horrible Day

Today started off bad and kept getting worse. My day started at 4:30am, Robbie woke up with a nightmare. I didnt get back to sleep. Robbie got up at 7 and Sean about 7:30. I needed more sleep but before going back to bed I argued with Sean... Once I woke up again I was really groggy. I read Sean's email that upset me some (he was frustrated with me) and then I got an email from a friend who was supposed to be attending Robbie's birthday party tomorrow. She was cancelling and I was furious. How dare they cancel on my little boy!

We finally decided to scrap the party. The other kids invited had been there sunday for the family party. So the three of us are going to Chuck E. Cheese's tomorrow. I am not thrilled about driving to Whitby but I want to do something special for my little man on his birthday.

I decided I wasnt going to my weigh-in and meeting tonight. I figured I would weigh-in and then go get supper. The office was closed but the sign still said "open" and so I tried the door. Some lady came out and yelled at me..... Not good. I had decided we were going to Boston Pizza for supper, I ate what I wanted and came home to having ate 17pts. I am not that upset by it. I enjoyed what I ate. I am going to weigh-in before Changeways tomorrow.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Family Birthday Party

Robbie had his third birthday party with my family today. He was spoiled!

The Cake




Birthday Boy




Friday, June 20, 2008

Feeling NORMAL

Yes, I am yelling. For the first time in 3.5 years I can say that I feel normal. It has taken time, and I have noticed improvement for some time but now my brain is not foggy, I am not down. It really does feel like a weight has been pulled off of me.

Depression is a horrible disease, no one should have to live with it. I am so happy to say that I am not living with it. I know that I can not go off my meds, probably for at least a year if not longer. I can live with the meds, I will always hate taking them but I can live with them.

My patience is still low, it was never good in the first place. Robbie can still get the best of me but I am trying to deal with that better. I am learning not to beat myself up because I am not a perfect parent.

I am trying to learn to be good to myself. I am trying to learn not to eat when I am upset/frustrated/happy/whatever the emotion. I am trying to come up with non-food rewards/treats for me.

Weight loss treat: At 10lbs lost I will go for a pedi - what motivation, I really want a pedi!

Life is good.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Feeling much better

I had my second weigh-in tonight and I lost 5lbs! I feel much better about myself. I went to my third meeting and I have to say that they help give me some motivation to do better.

I have my first 5lb star... .

We also got Robbie's 3rd birthday pictures done today! How come time goes so fast? Wasnt I just waiting for Robbie to be born?

Monday, June 16, 2008


While picking up his toys and putting them in his toybox Robbie would open the lid, put the toy in and then close the lid. At one point he decided that the lid was a mouth and came out with "toys are YUMMY!" as he moved the toy box's mouth.

At my sister's house, her grandkids were calling her Gran so Robbie did too. After being told that it was "Auntie Grace to you", he ran to Grace hugged her legs and called her "AuntieGraceToYou". Grace has a new name.

When getting into the hot car there is "big hot" and "little hot".

I don't even remember half of what he says but Robbie has us laughing at something several times a day.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Spiritual Thought

Borrowed from a friend's blog...

This version was found written on the wall in Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta...

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.
Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

First Weigh-In

I had my first WW weigh-in last night. I lost 0.2lbs but they round down, so I lost nothing! It kinda of upset me but I am happy to say that I did not turn to food to comfort myself. I did almost cry though. I like the wednesday night leader so maybe that is the time I will continue to go. I bought the "deluxe" member bag. I figured it would be cheaper then buying all the books individually.

When I got home from gorup today Sean and Robbie were out (not sure where they went) so I was able to get two boxes of clothes packed. Sean will be happy about it, he wants to get our closet cleaned out so we can put the packed boxes in there. The movers come to pick up our stuff on July 31st!!! Yeah! We just have to set up the utilities at the townhouse to have the move-in stuff completed.

Last night on the way home from WW I went to Michaels. I got the letter stickers needed for Sean's Father's Day prezzie. I also found "Diego" cupcake liners and icing circles with Deigo's face. I am making the cupcakes myself, trying to decide between orange or blue icing... I dont want to do both.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Dad's Gravesite

We went to my dad's gravesite today. It was roasting outside and we were trying to find something to do. I stopped and bought some flowers to put on his grave. We tried to remember where exactly he was buried but finally had to stop and ask for directions. The tombstone Edith chose is nice. There is a tree, with all the branches and leaves at the top. On one side is dad's name and dates and the other Edith's. The bottom says "Together Forever". I didnt know how I would react to going but I wasnt sad, he isnt there. I am glad that I took the chance to go and visit while we were still here.

Edmonton Here We Come

Last night Sean and I decided that this was a good time to move back to Edmonton. We are not going to be able to afford for Sean to stay home and me be in school to finish my CGA. We were planning to move back sometime and felt that it was better to do so now while we still have a nest egg to fall back on.

We came out here so I could spend time with my mom. We didnt realize (or understand) how bad the alzheimers was, it is progressing so rapidly. My mom is a different person, she needs to be in a home and until she is at the top of the list there is not much anyone can do. Visiting with mom makes me stressed out for days afterwards, she has not been violent with me but has tried to hurt other family members. I love my mom but for the sake of my health (mentally and physically) and the sake of my little family we are going back. Actually it will be good for every aspect of my life... socially, spiritually, financially...

We may be renting the townhouse that attached to the one we owned. The owner would like to sell it to us as well... not yet, have to get jobs before we qualify for a mortgage.

June 7, 2008

Nana Sitting

Never heard of Nana Sitting? It is what Sean came up with when Grace asked us to take mom for the day on saturday. Here is what I posted on the LDS boards at

Well, we are home. My mom really needs to be in a nursing home. It is too stressful for anyone to deal with her. She needs professionals to be caring for her. The day was ok for most things but as the day went on the worse she got.

My mom also hurt me really bad. I know that she is not aware of what she says but it still hurt. Sean and Robbie were across the road playing in the park, my mom came to me and asked when I was having my baby. When I said that I wasnt pregnant, she asked why I looked like THAT. I said that I was just fat, she agreed with me and then told me I SHOULD be pregnant. I tried to calmly remind her that I will probably never have another baby. I had to run across the road and get hugs from Sean. I hate being reminded that I cant have another baby. I have already had a m/c since having Robbie (4 before). I can't go through that again.

June 5, 2008

Weight Watchers!

I went and joined up I did! I think it will be good for me. I am already making much better food choices. My starting weight was 277 lbs. Looking at that number makes me sick. It is such a big number... I want it to go down. My first weigh-in will be friday. The friday class seems better timed for me right now.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Stressed Out

Sean's mother is supposed to come for a visit June 25th. She wanted to be here for both birthday parties and take us to Ottawa. There is no way we are going to Ottawa again so soon and NOT with her. We changed Robbie's family party to June 22nd as everyone is away for Canada Day weekend. I can hear her freaking out on us. I think she returns from Europe on June 15th, so she wont have much time to change plans. I would rather she not come here at all. I am trying to deal better with her but I am binge eating due to stress.

The stuff I am eating tends to be a bit healthier then chips and chocolate but still not good for you. I have been so craving Au gratin chips that I am really surprised that I haven't gone to the store and bought them. Probably better that Sean came to the grocery store with me, I would have bought them. I did buy "Half-salt" to replace our salt, I am eating way too much salt these days.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Too much of a good thing

I have been going crazy with an insane craving for salad. I had a couple with meals but that wasn't working. This afternoon I ate 6 bowls of salad! Unfortunately the bad part was the 3/4 bottle of salad dressing I ate with it. I could not stop eating the salad, even when I started to feel sick from eating so much I had to eat more. I HATE emotional eating.

We had to change the date for Robbie's Family Birthday party. It is now June 22, I forgot that the 29th was Canada Day weekend. Oh well, the 22nd is the day before they started my induction. We are having it at Valerie's house, probably barbeque something. We are going to pay for whatever meat we are having and the family will bring salads and stuff. I am happy that we are having it at my sisters, we dont have the room and she has a beautiful house. The theme is Diego, I have asked my neice if she is up to making a cake for it, if not we will just buy one. I have Shans making me loot bags - they are going to be sooo cute for the kids party on the 26th. My big boy is getting two parties!

Robbie was very good at church today as well. He even went with Michael (home teacher) while I went and bore my testimony. He loved nursery, and there are a bunch of kids in there now.

Saturday, May 31, 2008


We left for Ottawa after my Changeways group on thursday. The drive was almost 6 hours due to all the construction - not fun at all. Our hotel was ok, I was disappointed because I thought there was a pool. Oh well. Friday we went to the Museum of Civilization, we stuck to the Children's Museum which Robbie loved. After a 30 minute walk from our hotel to the museum and then 5 hours at the museum I was exhausted so we took the bus back to the hotel - that was an adventure. Oh well we made it back. We were going to go to the Parliament grounds today but it was pouring so we came home. Much faster when you dont have construction to deal with. There was an idiot transport driver who stayed on my bumper for 30 minutes, even through dangerous curves, if I had to stop suddenly Robbie and probably Sean and I would have died. It was really upsetting for me. Robbie slept a bit on the way. Once reaching Peterbourgh we went out for lunch. For supper we ordered in pizza, I ate way too much and now feel gross. And I am totally craving salad right now! We have barely any food in the place, didnt do grocery shopping for the week yet. I keep thinking about going to the store but I have NO energy. I may get Sean to go and get some gingerale for me - my stomach is queasy.

Today is the first day I have not exercised :( I think if I tried I would be sick. I did pretty good eating out while we were in Ottawa but tonight the pizza blew it.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

One month

Until my baby turns 3!!! How can it be 3 years already? It seems like yesterday I was waiting for him to be born....

Today was an ok day. My massage was wonderful. I booked another in two weeks. I think I know why I am not wanting to do more time on the Wii. I am waiting until Robbie is in bed and then I am too tired to work out much. I did 9 minutes today. My eating was bad though, I made chicken pot pie for supper and ate way too much.

We are thinking about going to Ottawa this weekend. I just want to get away from home and stress. I am not sure how I feel about driving there. I guess we shall see if we go or not.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Goals and a little TMI

I made a goal the day we purchased the Wii Fit that I would do at least 5 minutes per day. Today was a 5 minute day. I have been an emotional wreck all day, very weepy and down. Dad's birthday would have been on wednesday, this is the second since his death. We are going to go to his grave on thursday, I have not seen the tombstone and I am a little curious with what Edith did with it.

Sean and I had a good talk today. I have been missing the physical part of our marriage, yes I am the one missing sex. We do cuddle and are affectionate but it never seems to work out for us to actually have sex. With our talk though I realize that while Sean is missing sex as well he is not upsest at how things are. He reminded me that we could not keep up the pace of newlyweds. We are at a different time in our lives with a very active (almost) 3 year old and we are exhausted. I feel better about everything. After we talked I had a much needed nap - I was up at 3am wanting to eat but was fasting for blood tests.

Sunday, May 25, 2008


Well, not much has changed. I am having fun with the Wii Fit. I think with having fun it will keep me motivated to keep moving. I also have Sean's encouragement plus the ladies on the LDS moms board.

Yesterday we had a play date with Vicky, Stefan and Max. Well, Robbie and Max did not spend much time together, we were at the zoo and both wanted to do different things. It looks like Vicky is going to grad school somewhere in the States. I jokingly told them we were going to move into their house, turns out they may consider it. It would help both families financially. If Max stays here with his dad, Sean could watch him and it might help with the speech issues Max has. We'll have to see.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Wii Fit

Well, we finally were able to pick up a Wii Fit today. My stats suck. Here they are:
Weight: 276.5 lbs
BMI: 46.6
Fit Age: 44
My first goal is to loss 10 lbs in one month.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Momma's had it!

Rough day today. I woke up really early (3am) feeling so sick. I had to get up and get some gingerale and gravol. When I finally got up at 8:30am to get ready to go to the Hospital for Changeways I did not want to be around people. I went but was grumpy, I found out that I would not save any money by getting a monthly parking pass. Afterwards I decided to try a Wii Fit search, of course no luck everyone said try friday. So then I come home and crawl into bed. I wanted to go to sleep soooo bad, but sleep wouldnt come. Robbie and Sean got home and both took naps, well when Sean saw I was awake he tried for sex first... not happening bud. It was my turn to cook supper but I had no energy. Sean cooked, I ate and then I threw up, I had locked the bathroom door and Robbie is outside wanting to flush the toilet and crying because he couldnt get in. I finished folding the laundry took some more gravol and laid down until I felt a bit better. I still feel gross.

All this and PMS too! Oh yeah, my period is late, what's with that????

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Parenting your parent

Today I became a parent to my mother. I had to fasten her seat belt, zip her jacket, cut her meat. I am not yet 39, I am too young for this. My mom is only 70. It is aweful but I really do wish the end would come quicker. Alzheimers is a terrible disease.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Sore Back

I have had a really sore back the last few days. I am sure that it is from how I am sleeping. It is at it's worst in the morning. I didn't go to church today which bothered me a bit, but not a good idea to drive with pain meds. Sean decided to take Robbie swimming this afternoon and I decided to go. The heated water did help my back some but now it is just hurting.

I am so craving au gratin chips. I am tempted to go to the store and buy some. It's Sunday though.... but I want them..... but it's Sunday...

Saturday, May 17, 2008

"Up" Days

The last three days for the most part I have felt "up". The world is not so dark and I can envision a time where I am not so depressed. I do wish it would come sooner rather then later. I emailed my one accounting instructor and asked him to bring my final assignment to church so that I could try and work on it. It may take me a long time (compared to other assignments) but I actually feel like I can accomplish it.

I have homework for Dr. Lipski to complete. I thought my appointment was this week but it is next week so I have a little more time. I am trying to get my desk and dresser cleaned up. Both are so cluttered. I DID get Robbie's closet cleaned out. I have a bag of stuff for Value Village and stuff for a friend with a little guy just older then monkey-boy but smaller. I am happy that the nicer stuff is going to someone who could use it.

We got the counter-top dishwasher going! Woo Hoo! That will make cleaning the kitchen easier.

Thursday, May 15, 2008


I went to my first meeting for the Changeways Program. I thought it was going to be group therapy and was pleasantly surprised that it is more of a course. We do make goals and talk about them. There were 6 people there today, I think that is the whole group. I need to remember to take $7 next week for the course manual.

Today has been a good day actually. I got up at 3am due to a nightmare and could not go back to sleep. After the meeting I picked up Sean and Robbie and we did some running around. This afternoon I had a 4 hour nap, but I woke up with energy! My brain is not as foggy. I am almost feeling human! I wonder if it is because my meds are getting on track of where they should be.

Let's see if tomorrow is as good as today was!