Five hundred twenty-five thousand
One year. 365 days. 52 weeks. 12 months. No matter how I phrase it that is the amount of time that has passed since I attempted suicide. Obviously I was not successful and while I was at my deepest, darkest moment I could not remember about those that loved me. Actually I thought I was doing something good for them as they would no longer have to deal with me and my issues. Of course I was wrong in that feeling, my family and friends would have had to deal with the pain of my death.
I have heard many times how selfish suicide is. While I can understand why people say that I know truth. Most people who attempt suicide are doing so because in misguided belief that their family/friends would be better off without them.
This last year has been hard. I have grown a lot and have suffered a lot. I am a different person then I was a year ago. I know that I am loved. I know that Sean and Robbie need me and want me to be here. I know that while I have no close friends I do have people I can call on when I need help.
With the suicide of Robin Williams there was a saying going around on facebook "don't take a permanent solution to fix a temporary problem". Suicide is just that,a permanent solution to what is really a temporary problem. Even though the darkness that depression brings feels like it will never end, it can and will come to an end with proper supports. For different people that means different things, for me a combination of medication and therapy has helped, for others it may be one or the other, it may be hospitalization that works for some.
I don't have answers but I do know that depression can make us believe things that are untrue. If you are suffering, get help!
* "Seasons of Love" from the musical Rent.