Rough Going

I am having a really rough time. I know that one of my goals for the year is to sop obsessing about another baby. I am failing miserably! I am somewhere around day 38 with no period in sight. I have done so many preg tests (I really hate to think how much money I have spent), all are negative. This is just so hard. Once my period finally comes I am going back on the pill forever. I talked to Sean about clomid - he said "no way". I had always said that I wouldn't use fertility drugs the second time around, guess we are sticking with that plan.

I found out some news that is bothering me. I friended an ex on facebook. In so many ways I did't want to know about his life but the earthquake in Haiti really brought him to mind. J is Haitian. Anyways, he has a 16 year old daughter, that means he was a daddy when we were dating! He never told me. The relationship was long-distance so it was easy for him to hide things. I remember him buying presents for his baby "niece".... I am now thinking the presents were for his daughter. I am really bothered by this, I would have still dated him knowing he had a child but not to know... And a little TMI but I went against my values because of this man. It just brings me back to how I felt when we broke up and I had to see my Bishop. Ugh! I am going to de-friend him. I never should have looked him up in the first place.

I hate remembering the mistakes I have made in my life...

Happy New Year!!

I have been thinking about this post for a few days now. What to write and how to remember 2009?

2009 in Review

I started the year in such a deep depression that I was barely functional. It was a really rough time on our whole family. Sean had to take over doing everything, which he did with little complaint. In March I started the Day Treatment Program, 4.5 months of intense therapy. It was hard, there were many days that I thought I would quit. I made it through, barely. I could have gotten more out of it but the things I did get out of the program are with me still. I feel more confident in my abilities to cope. I learned that I did not have to be a prisoner to depression.

Early on in DPT my mom was placed in a nursing home. I felt so guilty at the time, I know it is the best place for her but I felt bad about it as well. Life can be so hard.

After DPT ended I went back to work. I started back part-time working my way back to full-time over 4 weeks. I really enjoy being back at work. Part of it is probably the fact that I have more responsibility and that my managers like the work I am doing. I would like to go to a PSR position but I think that will be a bit before that happens.

In August I turned 40. I was looking forward to my birthday. I had hated turning 30 but I was fine with 40. Sean teases me a little (he is 5.5 years younger then me) but that is okay. At work I have had a lot of people tell me that they thought I was 30. I never have looked my age.

In September, Sean went back to school. He is studying mechanical engineering at Nait. He will be a technician not an engineer (he needs a degree for that), but he is really happy. His grades are great. I am very proud of my man.

Robbie is growing and learning so much. He is generally a happy, healthy boy. I am so proud of all he does. He is learning to read a few words and he is doing a little addition and subtraction. He can write most of his letters and is starting to draw pictures instead of scribbling.

I love my two men!

The Last Decade (2000-2009) in Review

Sean and I talked about this at dinner tonight. So much happened in our lives in the past 10 years. In 2000 I started work at Convergys, this is important because that is were Sean and I met again. In 2001, Sean and I met, had our first date and got engaged. In 2002, we were married. In 2003, we bought our condo. In 2004, I finally got pregnant with Robbie. In 2005, Robbie was born. In 2006 we went and saw my family in Toronto. In 2007, my dad died, we sold our condo and moved to Peterborough, Ontario. I started school at Fleming College for accounting. In 2008, I had a breakdown, we moved back to Edmonton, I started at the bank and then I had a bigger break down. In 2009, I finally got the help I needed for my depression.

So, lots of good things happened in the last decade. I hope the new one brings lots more good stuff.

Goals for 2010

Not really resolutions, because lets face it, most resolutions are broken.

1. More date nights with my hubby. I would like to have at least one a month. We started off good having a date night on January 1st.
2. Using Listerine every time I brush my teeth. I hate the stuff but I know it really makes a difference.
3. Turning off the computer at 7pm to start getting Robbie ready for bed. Apparently it bothers Sean when I am late getting Robbie to bed.
4. Attend church more regularly. Going to church has been hard for me, it is so hard being a part-member family. Robbie loves Primary and I really need to see that he attends.
5. Stop obsessing about another baby. I am slowly accepting that my body is not co-operating with me and I am not going to get pregnant. We really cant afford to adopt a newborn and right now are not in a place to adopt an older child. I will just have to wait and be patient for our family to grow.
6. Showing Sean how much I love him. I tell him all the time but I feel that I dont always show my love by my actions. I never want him to doubt my love for him.

So, that is my list and I am going to try to update how things are going at the beginning of every month.

May 2010 bring love and blessings to all my friends and family!