Jealousy

I admit it! I am jealous!

My niece is pregnant with twins. She is a single mother of a 4.5 year old boy. I know she has been heavily drinking while being pregnant. She is not with the father. I suspect she got pregnant on purpose trying to get the father to stay with her. It has been an up/down relationship almost from the beginning.

Why does she get to be pregnant when I am married, have a good job and am able to support another child, and cant get pregnant. It is so not fair! Sean always tells me life is not fair but this really sucks! Infertility is the worst thing to deal with.

Yes, I know I can adopt. Yes, I know that I am lucky to have Robbie. None of that changes that fact that I want another baby. There is no way we can afford private adoption and so the only way to go is public. I am not scared of public adoption, heck I came through the system. What I dont like is not having the possibility of a newborn.

I really hate my life right now. Sean has held me while I have cried about wanting another baby. He has apologized for making me wait to have a baby. There is nothing that would support that if I had Robbie earlier that I could have had another baby. The problems I am having now may just have started earlier.

I HATE feeling like this. A friend just had twins, maybe I should ask her if she wants someone to hold one for a bit.

Sorry this post is so down. This has been on my mind for a few days.