Happy New Year!!

I have been thinking about this post for a few days now. What to write and how to remember 2009?

2009 in Review

I started the year in such a deep depression that I was barely functional. It was a really rough time on our whole family. Sean had to take over doing everything, which he did with little complaint. In March I started the Day Treatment Program, 4.5 months of intense therapy. It was hard, there were many days that I thought I would quit. I made it through, barely. I could have gotten more out of it but the things I did get out of the program are with me still. I feel more confident in my abilities to cope. I learned that I did not have to be a prisoner to depression.

Early on in DPT my mom was placed in a nursing home. I felt so guilty at the time, I know it is the best place for her but I felt bad about it as well. Life can be so hard.

After DPT ended I went back to work. I started back part-time working my way back to full-time over 4 weeks. I really enjoy being back at work. Part of it is probably the fact that I have more responsibility and that my managers like the work I am doing. I would like to go to a PSR position but I think that will be a bit before that happens.

In August I turned 40. I was looking forward to my birthday. I had hated turning 30 but I was fine with 40. Sean teases me a little (he is 5.5 years younger then me) but that is okay. At work I have had a lot of people tell me that they thought I was 30. I never have looked my age.

In September, Sean went back to school. He is studying mechanical engineering at Nait. He will be a technician not an engineer (he needs a degree for that), but he is really happy. His grades are great. I am very proud of my man.

Robbie is growing and learning so much. He is generally a happy, healthy boy. I am so proud of all he does. He is learning to read a few words and he is doing a little addition and subtraction. He can write most of his letters and is starting to draw pictures instead of scribbling.

I love my two men!

The Last Decade (2000-2009) in Review

Sean and I talked about this at dinner tonight. So much happened in our lives in the past 10 years. In 2000 I started work at Convergys, this is important because that is were Sean and I met again. In 2001, Sean and I met, had our first date and got engaged. In 2002, we were married. In 2003, we bought our condo. In 2004, I finally got pregnant with Robbie. In 2005, Robbie was born. In 2006 we went and saw my family in Toronto. In 2007, my dad died, we sold our condo and moved to Peterborough, Ontario. I started school at Fleming College for accounting. In 2008, I had a breakdown, we moved back to Edmonton, I started at the bank and then I had a bigger break down. In 2009, I finally got the help I needed for my depression.

So, lots of good things happened in the last decade. I hope the new one brings lots more good stuff.

Goals for 2010

Not really resolutions, because lets face it, most resolutions are broken.

1. More date nights with my hubby. I would like to have at least one a month. We started off good having a date night on January 1st.
2. Using Listerine every time I brush my teeth. I hate the stuff but I know it really makes a difference.
3. Turning off the computer at 7pm to start getting Robbie ready for bed. Apparently it bothers Sean when I am late getting Robbie to bed.
4. Attend church more regularly. Going to church has been hard for me, it is so hard being a part-member family. Robbie loves Primary and I really need to see that he attends.
5. Stop obsessing about another baby. I am slowly accepting that my body is not co-operating with me and I am not going to get pregnant. We really cant afford to adopt a newborn and right now are not in a place to adopt an older child. I will just have to wait and be patient for our family to grow.
6. Showing Sean how much I love him. I tell him all the time but I feel that I dont always show my love by my actions. I never want him to doubt my love for him.

So, that is my list and I am going to try to update how things are going at the beginning of every month.

May 2010 bring love and blessings to all my friends and family!

Christmas part 2

I did really well over the holidays. My mood was good and things went well. Christmas dinner was really good (if I can comment on my own cooking). Joyce and Bruce (my mother-in-law and her boyfriend) were only here for 3 hours! Boxing day was good, we went and got groceries and just rested.

Then came Sunday... I am not sure why but I have been having so many dreams of me being pregnant. Not good. Infertility really sucks! Anyways, I could not even drag myself from bed, I spent the day there crying off and on. When I wasn't crying I was sleeping. Sean was great and took munchkin mcgoo (one of my names for the boy) and went out, giving me some time to myself. I was going to make supper but fell asleep.

Today was much better. I felt rested and not so down. We went to the Telus World of Science and had a great family day. Tomorrow it is back to work for me (3 days this week) and daycare for Robbie while Sean starts looking for a summer job.

Christmas Time

Christmas is a hard holiday for me. It generally makes me depressed. This year Robbie is so into things that I hope it will be better.

I am trying to remember the "reason for the season" this year and so I am going to share my favourite Christmas carol.

O Holy Night

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming,
Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friends.
He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
His power and glory ever more proclaim!

Frustrated

Robbie's well-child check up was good. He is 35.8lbs and 41". Doc said he is healthy.

We did talk about me for a bit. My doc wants to wait until cyst #3 (in this round) or for me to see Dr Chua (my pcos doc) before putting me back on the pill. I want to cry! I still have no period in site - last one was October 15th. I hope I get back in to see Dr. Chua soon. I hate that I needed a new referral to see him.

I had my flu and h1n1 shots today, I am starting to get a headache but I think that is more due to being on the computer for too long. I think I will take some tylenol and rest for a bit before I pick up Robbie.

Oh yeah, I bought a "sexy" nightie not that we really need any help in that area but I figured we have been married for 7.5 years and it was time to get some lingerie.

Oh yeah, my doctor said that if I would just get pregnant then I would stop having the cysts for 9 months! I know he didnt mean anything by it but still....

No More Babies!

On wednesday as I was coming home from work I started to feel pain. Not a good thing! I waited at home for a bit and then decided to head to Emerg. I had to wait quite a bit and then I was taken in to see the doctor. I eventually got some drugs and blood tests. I am not pregnant (not that I thought I was). The other tests were good. The doc ordered an ultrasound and sent me home with pain meds. I had the ultrasound on friday and then had to go back to Emerg. The doctor confirmed that there was a cyst on the left side (the pain was on the right). Home with more pain meds. The doc and the resident both said that they thought I needed to go back on the pill. In other words, no more trying for a baby!

Sean and I had already talked about it. I knew what was coming but I still sat there and cried. Once I came home I cried some more. I am so sad. I know that having another baby would be difficult but I feel like my body has betrayed me. I hate having PCOS, it is so not fair (of course Sean reminds me that life is not fair). Someone (I dont remember who) said that things are better this way, another baby might have had health issues or whatever. I dont care! The baby would be mine! My heart feels broken. It is going to take so much time to get over this.

I take Robbie to the doctor tomorrow (4 year check up) and I am going to see if he can talk to me for a few minutes. I guess I will be going on the pill whenever my period decides to show up again.

Bleh!