2013

Is almost over, just under 2 hours left.  I am not going to recap the year as it pretty much sucked.  I am looking forward to the new year and hopeful of what it will bring.  I have made one resolution this year:

GO TO THERAPY AND ALL THAT IS INVOLVED WITH THERAPY

I do not think that I can do any more then that.  I would love it if this was the year that I lost weight, ate healthier, gave more service, etc but I cannot put that type of pressure on myself at this time.  Therapy will take a lot out of me and I need to put that first.

So, come on 2014 arrive and let me get myself mentally healthy.

Good mom? Bad mom?

I want to start this post with a link to this article Are you a good mom?

I have been feeling like a very bad mom lately.  My depression and BPD have been hard and making me doubt myself.  There are so many things I don't do, I get frustrated with Robbie, I yell at him, but I am doing something right.  Robbie knows I love him more then anything in the world.  My kisses and hugs are still magical and can fix any hurt.

The other night Robbie was playing a video game and stopped to tell me "you are the best mommy I could ever have".  That made me tear up.  The one person's whose opinion really matters if i am a good mom or a bad mom thinks I am the best mom.

I was the over-achiever mom earlier this week.  I found out that Robbie was to be the Inn Keeper for the Ward Christmas Celebration.  We had nothing appropriate for him and so I sewed him a costume.  I am doing a lot more sewing lately and finding some peace in seeing the beautiful things I make so I am not going to feel bad about the costume.  I am going to enjoy my little boy playing in the Nativity.

Shortbread Cookies

A friend gave me this recipe last Christmas.  In an effort not to lose it I am posting it here.

1 lb. butter, softened 1 1/2 cups icing sugar Mix above ingredients
1/2 tsp salt 1 tsp vanilla 4 cups flour (3 in mix, 1/2 cup added while kneading, 1/2 cup on flour board)
Mix in all other ingredients & knead. Roll out flat (1/4 inch thick) Cut with round cookie cutter. Press 1/4 Maraschino cherry into center.
Bake at 350 degrees til very lightly browned. (about 12 minutes)

Hospital and a Diagnosis

I am not proud to say that on September 14th I took an overdose of medications.  I had gone to the hospital on August 19-20 when I was feeling suicidal.  Even though I tried to get help it was not soon enough.  I had told a therapist that I was suicidal and their response was "so what".  That was very wrong and the therapist was mandated by law to report that I was suicidal and get me help.  She did not.  We tried calling the office, the best they could do was give me an appointment with someone else the next day, not soon enough.  Again they were mandated by law to report me.  They did not.  We called the crisis team, again no help.  With all that I sent Sean and Robbie on their way.  After some time I wrote a suicide note and then started swallowing pills.  My intention was to take 3 different types of pills but after I finished the new bottle of my anti-anxiety medication I could not open the other medications.  I fell asleep.  Sean had to call an ambulance when he got home.

I don't remember anything from the time I fell asleep until the next afternoon.  I was in the hallway at Grey Nuns hospital and our new Bishop and our Relief Society President were there.  I remember we talked about Robbie and what to do with him.  Our home teacher Mike Potter took Robbie in and helped with childcare while I was in the hospital.

The first weekend I had a day pass.  Before I left I saw the weekend psychiatrist.  She asked me if I though I had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  I told her that another psychiatrist had suggested it around the time of my dad's death.  She had me read some of "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" which I had a copy of at home.  The next day when she saw me again she asked what did I think.  I knew just reading the first few pages that I had BPD.  She formally diagnosed me with BPD.

I finally left the hospital on September 26th.  It was hard being in there.  I could not have my cell phone or ereader.  The hospital was hard on Robbie so I did not see a lot of him.  There were days that I did not see Sean.  The end result is that I am unable to work, and may never be able to work full-time again.  I have applied for CPP-Disability and hopefully that will kick in soon.

My body has been slowly adjusting to my meds and I am getting the help I need.  I am seeing a therapist, a psychiatrist and will be starting a group therapy program in January.  I hate that I had to have an overdose to get the help I needed but am grateful for the help I am finally receiving.

Long Time, Lots to Catch Up On

It has been a long time since I have posted.  Mostly because every time I open my blog I was reminded that all my parents but my step-mother is gone.  It has been a rough year.  So here is what happened since April.

Robbie turns 8

Robbie had his 8th birthday party at home and at Sakaw park.  It was his choice.  He chose a Lego theme and I endeavoured to make a Lego brick cake.

First the presents from us.  Normally we make Robbie wait until the actual day of his birthday to open his gifts but this year we allowed him to open the gifts early.

Birthday party fun.

Robbie gets to choose a place to go to dinner on his birthday.  On the 26th Robbie was invited to go to the cubs year end party.  He made the choice to go to cubs so on the 27th we went to Montana's.  Robbie did not want them to sing as he had been sung to twice already.  He did want to wear the hat though.  Daddy tried it on as well.

Last day of Grade 2

Robbie's last day of grade 2 was the day after his birthday.  He will miss being in class with Mrs Dochuk but he is looking forward to grade 3.

Grade 3

In September Robbie started grade 3.  Time has flown by.  On the second day of school we found out that Robbie would be in a split class of grades 3 and 4.  We were happy to know that if he was in a split class at least he was the one in the lower grade.  I was in a 2/3 and 5/6 split classes so I knew some of the challenges that will be happening this year.

Aunt Viola and Uncle Doug

Aunt Viola and Uncle Doug came to visit Uncle Doug's son and so they dropped in for a visit.  Does Uncle Doug look like anyone famous?

Another parent gone....

I thought about calling this post "Another one bites the dust..." but thought that might sound too callus.  The truth of the matter is, I am numb.  Yes, I have been crying off and on for a week but I am not really dealing with my emotions.

It is so hard to try and deal with 2 parental deaths within 6 months.

So, I guess I should say what parent and the circumstances.

Doreen Benford was my birth mother.  I was apprehended at birth by CAS (Children's Aid Society) and went into foster care.  I was in and out of foster care until she agreed that I could be placed for adoption when I was 4.5 years old.  My adoption was finalized when I was 5.5 years old.

I have had a love/hate relationship with the thought of my birth mother.  The only memories I have is of abuse, the memories are not good and are very hurtful to me.  I do love that she agreed to the adoption.  I hate that she chose between her children:  Danny (the oldest) and me (the youngest) were placed for adoption; Angie and Tina (the "middle" kids) were kept.  I hate that she never took responsibility for my adoption but blamed everyone else - her new husband did not want a baby, her parents would not take me.  I hate that she would never acknowledge the abuse.  I hate that she told me several times that she should have aborted all 4 of us, and this is when we were adults.  I hate that she would not admit to her mental health issues.  I understand that in her day that talking about depression was taboo.  However her children needed that information to help in our lives.

My feelings around my adoption are very complex.  It seems no matter how much therapy I do it is not enough.  I am grateful for my adoptive family.  They have been loving and supportive my entire life.  I have never been made to feel different from the biological kids.  I was Doug and Myrna's child, I think they thought that was even before I was adopted, at least from conversations with my mom.  It is hard knowing that Doreen "picked and chose" what kids to keep and what kids to "give away".  Although she blamed others I am sure it was not an easy decision.  In all honesty I think that CAS should have removed all 4 kids, the abuse never ended for my sisters.

We were reunited when I was 26.  I wanted to find my siblings and figured that she was the easiest way to find them.  The reunion was hard.  Doreen wanted me to be the 4 year old she last saw.  She wanted me to call her "mom" and become the daughter she had in her mind.  I could not call her mom and could not be that daughter.  I did go with Angie and Tina and had a mother's necklace made with all 4 birthstones and Doreen's birthstone.  It was my idea and way to let her know that while I could not call her mother that I recognized the fact that she gave life to me.

From that point on our relationship was strained.  I did not want it that way but with everything going on in my life, and the emotions I was feeling and what was happening in my adoptive family made it difficult.  I honestly think that I did not want a relationship with Doreen, at least not a mother/daughter relationship.

Here is a copy of the obituary.

BENFORD Doreen Isabel After a brief illness at Peterborough Regional Health Centre on Tuesday, April 9, 2013. Doreen in her 70th year. Predeceased by her parents Roy and Florence Cory. Loving mother of Angela Wright (Dr. Paul Dickson) and Tina Herzick (Ron). Devoted Nanny to Danica Gilbert (Joshua Fedorchuk), Kimberly Herzick (Kyle Campbell), Jesse and Jasmine Wright. Dear sister of Cindy MacDonald (Tim), Delia Aldsworth (Stan), Marion Glazier (Ralph), Donald Cory (Evelyn), Gordon Cory (Bev) and predeceased by Donna Norris and June Lightizer. Survived by brothers-in-law Mike Norris and Glen Lightizer. Fondly remembered by son-in-law Glenn Wright, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews and cousins. Relatives and friends may call at McINTOSH-ANDERSON-KELLAM FUNERAL HOME LTD., 152 King Street East, Oshawa (905-433-5558) on Wednesday, April 17, 2013 from 12:00 pm until time of service in the chapel at 1:00 pm. Interment Thornton Cemetery. In lieu of flowers donations made in memory of Doreen to a charity of choice would be appreciated. Online condolences may be made at www.makfuneralhome.com.

Six plus Two Equals Heartache

Today is February 20th.   Today is a significant day in the lives of the Henderson family.

Six years ago today my dad died.  We were there and saw him the night before he passed away.  We had spent two weeks there.  We thought we were not going to make it to say our good-byes.  Dad died 24 hours before we were to fly back to Edmonton.  We changed our flights and stayed for the funeral.  It is hard to believe that Robbie was 20 months and took his first steps while staying at Joel and Rachel's house (the oldest of my nephews).  Now Robbie is almost 8.

Two years ago today we found out that I was pregnant with Bailey.  We were so excited and happy.  Little did we know that just 2 months later our hearts would be breaking in a way that we never thought possible.

Both Bailey and my dad will live on in my heart forever and I know there will be a time when my heart will not feel so broken.  I wish for that day now.

Rest in Peace Dad and Bailey.