New Year's Eve

So, the answer to the last post is "no". Right now I have too many money issues to deal with. I have friends that I will be accountable with and that is good for now.

My agenda for 2009 is to be healthy. I am not starting the new year on too good of a health note but I dont mean healthy from colds and such (although that would be nice too). I want to be mentally healthy, I want to do a better job at eating healthy, I want more movement in my life (ie. exercise) and I want to be a healthy mommy.

Today was the last of three solid days of having Robbie at home. Yesterday was horrible, while I didnt lose it I felt like I was going to. Today was much better, Robbie slept in later and that probably helped both of us to have a good day.

Sean is home tomorrow so that will be a nice start to 2009. We had a talk last night and it still amazes me how understanding of my depression Sean is. I am sure that by now most men would have run away, I am on my third major depressive episode since we got together, yet Sean stays patient with me and wishes there is more that he could do to help me. I am a very lucky woman and I remind myself of that every day.

Now here is to getting healthy in 2009!

Do I or don't I?

I am trying to decide if I should rejoin Weight Watchers. Right now I can register for free and then I just have to pay the weekly amount. I am just not sure of being able to pay the weekly amount... I just dont know if WW is a justifiable budget item. I know that I have to do something about my weight and I need to be accountable to someone other then myself. Being accountable to myself only sets me up for failure, if I feel that I have not lost weight then I put off weighing myself (or "forget" to weigh myself). If I rejoin WW I would feel that I had to go as I had spent the money, I went every week last time I was a member. I did see some movement on the scale, it was slow movement but not as slow as things are going now.

I have had a rough holiday. I am so down and couldnt care less about Christmas. I took down the tree on Boxing Day. I was so sick of it and the thought of keeping it up for another week made me anxious. I find when my anxiety gets high then everything around me starts getting chaotic, then I lose control.

I now have 3 days of having Robbie during the day. I am not looking forward to it. Sean keeps asking if I am going to be ok. Well, the only other alternative is for him to stay home and that can't happen so I am going to have to deal with him. Luckily Robbie is getting back into a normal sleeping routine, he is much healthier then he has been (of course he shared his cold with mommy and daddy).

"Twas the afternoon before Christmas...

and all through the house there was quiet! Robbie got up with Sean at 4am this morning so by noon he was toasted! After a bit of yelling I decided to put him in his room for both of our sakes. Robbie screamed for a few minutes then started going to the door and saying "daddy, where are you?". He then started playing quietly and then there was silence. After 30 minutes of complete silence I checked on him and he was fast asleep on his bed, I thought he might be on the floor but he had climbed up on the bed.

Sean is home from work, I like the 2:30 end times of these 6am sifts, hopefully Robbie will not get up with daddy every day. I put a ham in the oven and so for Christmas eve we are eating ham and rice for supper, yummy!

Joyce called and wants us to be there for noon tomorrow. It will depend on what time everyone is awake and we have breaky, get ready and all that. I am cooking breakfast tomorrow - pancakes and sausage. It should be good. I also have to call my family tomorrow, I am always the one to call them. Last year we spent it with them.

Sean and Robbie's presents are all wrapped and ready to go under the tree. The stuff for Robbie's stocking is mostly ready, I bought him a little more chocolate then I thought I had. I am looking forward to the morning and Robbie's reaction to his gifts. I am also curious to see what Sean got me. I hope Sean likes his gifts, this is the first time that I didn't buy him boxers - I bought long underwear instead (giggles).

Merry Christmas everyone!

One Week until Christmas

People have been commenting on me looking better and sounding better but I dont feel it. I am not feeling as down as I did last week but I still have little to no energy. I have gone out and done things such as the ward Christmas party and shopping with Joyce but it has been very difficult.

I had good news today, I was accepted into the Day Program and now I just have to wait until my start date. I will have an orientation sometime in January which will give me my exact start time. I am happy that I got in but worried about all the hard work it will be - 5-7 years of psychotherapy in 4.5 months!

Robbie has been getting up at 5am, next week Sean is starting 6am shifts and will be leaving at 5am.... I hope he doesnt start waking up even earlier.

My fan died last night and so I had a horrible time trying to sleep. I miss my fan : ( Sean slept really well without the noise so I guess I should learn to sleep without the fan : (

Feeling Over-whelmed

The last couple of days I have had anxiety attacks when it is time to pick up Robbie from daycare. I can't stand the whining and crying that goes on. I need to get my emotions under control to be able to deal effectively with Robbie. I hate that Robbie can make me feel so unworthy and useless. I know that the day program will help but can I make it until then? I have seriously thought about going back to Emerg, telling then that I can't cope with life. I am not suicidal but I do feel like I need to be in a safe place, home is just not feeling safe to me. I am ok when Sean is around but when I am by myself or with Robbie it does not feel safe to me.

I see my family doctor tomorrow. He has to fill out forms for me. I will tell him how I am feeling and see what he suggests.

I just want to feel better!

Catching Up

It has been almost a week since my last post. Ooops. I can't even say that I have been really busy, I have been exhausted though. My new med has me waking up at 2am for a few hours (1-4 hours) and so I am tired all day. I have been going to bed at 7:30, before Robbie even!!! But I am having troubles shutting off my brain so that doesn't help either.

I finished all my Christmas shopping and all of Sean's presents are wrapped. Robbie keeps looking for presents under the tree - not happening until he is in bed Christmas eve. Robbie is loving his advent calendar although he always wants more then one chocolate a night. Eventually I want to make a permanent advent calendar that has a scripture or quote and possibly room for a treat.

I have been getting little things done during the day, some dishes (I hate not having a dish washer) or some laundry or some shopping. I am proud of anything I accomplish right now. It is a huge effort to even get out of bed most of the time.

Blessings

So, I thought it was time to list some more of the blessings in my life.

1. Sean and Robbie, they will always top my list.
2. Jesus Christ, from whom all blessings come.
3. My church, for the support that they give us.
4. Having a car that works, we dont use it often but it is a big help.
5. Having a roof over our heads that is warm and comfortable.
6. Having enough food to eat.
7. Clothes to wear, especially warm ones right now.
8. Sean having work.
9. Friends who are supportive of me and get that depression IS an illness.
10. Being able to hear my sweet husband read bedtime stories to our son.
    

Santa...

has been on the ball and his elves have everything for Robbie. Unfortunately the elves say that Sean is too big to make toys for and so I have to brave the stores and shop for him myself.

I wanted to send some Smarties to my American friends and family (Santa is Canadian after all) but money is too tight.

Robbie had his first advent chocolate tonight and promptly wanted more. Not really a surprise. The only one I could find was a "High School Musical" one... but it is all candy to my boy.

My doctor's appointment went ok, we discussed more changes to my meds. My waking in the middle of the night is due to the new med and it SHOULD go away. I hope so, I am so dazed and confused in the morning due to lack of sleep.