2011 in Review - Goals

Reviewing my goals from 2011:


1. Taken from 2010 (and this time do it), use Listerine every time I brush, I have gingivitis and it needs to go away!
I did a lot better on this one...still not perfect but I am changing habits!
2. Move more.  Whether walking, using the Wii Fit or swimming I need to get moving.  My weight is slowly going down and if I exercise more 
I did more moving.  I have had a lot of down times but I am making progress.  I have a rec center membership through to September so I have no excuses.
3. Drink more water!  We are not buying pop (unless I am really sick like last weekend), we buy some juice but pretty much everything at home is water!  I am trying to just have water at work as well.
Definitely doing better on this one.  Due to stomach issues I have been drinking A LOT of gingerale but I am drinking lots of water too.
4. Spend more time with Robbie.  With getting home from work so late it is hard to spend much time with Robbie during the week (besides bedtime stories).  I need to find time to spend some mommy time with my big little boy.
A change in jobs helped this one!  We spend time together snuggling and talking every morning and then I take him to school.
5. Cleaning the house.  I need to find a routine that works for me so that I do not feel our house is a disaster all the time
Well...the house is not a disaster, more organized but it needs to be cleaned more often. We are setting up a schedule of who does what and when.  That should help a lot.

Disappointed

I am going to sound like a spoiled brat but I am going to say this anyway.  I HATE CHRISTMAS!!!  I try so hard to make it a special day.  I try to forget the pain of past Christmases where my dad and step-mother made it clear to me that I was in the way.  Starting at about 16 I would get one present and get to sit there and watch dad, Edith and Gord open a bunch of presents.  My sister Grace used to try and make up for it but knowing your "parents" think you are a bother a few presents don't make up for anything.

This Christmas again sucked for me.  Robbie loved his presents so at least that was good.  I spend so much time picking and wrapping presents for Sean and I am usually disappointed - just as I am this year.  Sean bought me Glee season 2 which I did want and then a trench coat.  Not just any trench coat but a "techie" one with a bunch of pockets for all your gadgets.  I hated it, and it is about 2 sizes too small.  Sean suggested that we go shopping tomorrow for a new gift.  I hate shopping and boxing day is awful to shop on, and picking my own present....why should I bother.

I spent the day crying, not that is unusual but I would rather not spend my Christmas crying my eyes out.  Unfortunately I do that almost every year.  I thought this year might be different, we finally have money again and so I was hopeful.  I should give up on hope.

With all our marital issues lately I thought that Sean might actually outdo himself.  Yes, we have a budget but I went way over budget so that I could get him a new wedding band.  I made sure everything that I bought he would like if not love....

Yes, I am a spoiled brat....  and I still hate Christmas.

Sometimes life just gets worse!

We are not on speaking terms with Sean's mother.  She is not to have contact with Robbie.

Imagine my anger when I found out that she went to visit Robbie at school!  I told Sean that he could email her or I could see about getting a restraining order on her to stay away from Robbie.  It was so inappropriate for her to go and visit Robbie when she knew she was not to.  She has not responded to Sean's email which I am really not surprised by.

I am still furious but I am not surprised that she would do this.

Count Your Many Blessings

The title of this post comes from a church Hymn that we sang today.  Today is also the 10th anniversary of 9-11.  I think it is fitting to remind myself of the blessings in my life.

• Sean.  Sean is my biggest blessing.  Having a loving spouse that supports me is a blessing that I never thought I would have.  Knowing that Sean loves me even with all my faults is a comfort to me.  There are times when I am in a deep depression that I will tell him to divorce me, he always tells me no.
• Robbie.  When I was 16 I was told that I would never get pregnant without medical help and even then I would probably never have a baby.  Robbie is a blessing that is so special to me.  All my life I wanted to be a mommy and with Robbie I am.
• My family.  I admit that there is often times that my family drives me crazy.  I really do like living far away from them so that I don't have to interact on a daily basis.  However, I do love my family and love hearing from them.
• Canada.  I am a proud Canadian.  I love living in a country that allows for people's differences, actually embraces those differences.  I love living in a country where I will not go bankrupt due to my need of healthcare.  I love that I have a freedom to travel, learn and love.  I love watching the Olympics and feel great pride is seeing our flag raised and our National Anthem played.
• My health.  I have a lot of health issues but the biggest blessing is that I am still alive.  Yes, I am diabetic, I suffer from depression, allergies, asthma and infertility.  However my health is so much better then so many others.
• Food, shelter and clothing.  We have so many choices in these areas.  When I think of third world nations and the hardships that people there go through I am embarrassed by our wealth.  We do not have a ton of money but we have more then our needs fulfilled, we even have some of our wants fulfilled.
• Friends.  I have a few very close friends and then a lot of acquaintances.  The friends that I have that I am close to are special to me.  They give me strength and support in ways that they probably never know about.

Count Your Blessings

When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings; name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

[Chorus]
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your blessings;
See what God hath done.
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings;
See what God hath done.

 Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings; ev’ry doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold.
Count your many blessings; money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged; God is over all.
Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Text: Johnson Oatman, Jr., 1856–1922
Music: Edwin O. Excell, 1851–1921

Horrible Mommy

I fear I am becoming like my birthmom.  I lose control when Robbie gets whiney.  I just can't handle it.  I yell, threaten, sometimes I spank - not hard but I still hate spanking.

Today he was miserable and I lost it.  Then Sean decided to point out to me that I lot it.  Just what I need when I am feeling horrible is him agreeing that I am a horrible mother.

I really don't know how to change things.  I took a parenting class and was doing better but then I got too stressed out.  Right now I feel like throwing up all day, every day.  I have taken preg tests and they are negative so my conclusion is that I feel so sick because of the stress.  I am leaving the bank on Friday - not a moment too soon if you ask me.

I hate feeling like this.  I hate being like this.  I need help but don't know where to turn to.

42!

I have lots of things to catch up on.  I find that every time I open my blog I see the posts about my miscarriage and then do not feel like writing anything.

Today is my birthday.  I had a great day with Robbie and Sean.  I was spoiled and loved my presents.  Best of all was having a quiet supper with Sean.

Now I am the answer to "life, the universe and everything!"

D&C

All my life when seeing the acronym D&C I have always changed it in my mind to "Doctrine & Covenants".  Now my mind does not do that any more.  When I am reading something and I see D&C, even though I know it is referring to a scripture my mind automatically goes to remembering my precious baby.

It was my choice to have an immediate D&C done.  I could not imagine the pain of waiting for the baby to pass through my body.  A D&C is not for everyone but I am grateful that I had that option.  I am also grateful for the OB who did the surgery rubbing my hand and holding it while I went to sleep.   It was very sweet of her and it helped.

I will never forget my little angel.

No More Baby (TMI alert)

This post is hard to write and I am sure it will be hard to read.

Oh thursday, March 31st, I had an ultrasound for dating my pregnancy as my doctor thought the dates were off. We were floored to find out that the baby had died and a miscarriage was going to happen.  Friday I saw my OB and he arranged a D&C as I thought that I could not go through the process naturally.  Friday night I started gushing blood.  I went to the ER, eventually the bleeding stopped (my cervix was still closed) and it was up to me to wait until Tuesday or have the surgery on Saturday.  I could not wait any longer, I needed the pain meds to deal with the contractions and so I opted to have the surgery right away.

Physically I am fine, emotionally I and the whole family are a wreck.

I keep thinking that I should have asked to see the baby on the u/s...is that sick?  I really want to know what my baby looked like.  Too late now.

Betas!

March 4 - 2477
March 6 - 4026
March 8 - 6400


What do those numbers mean???  It means I am definitely pregnant and the baby is doing great!

Update again...

Well, it looks like either the dates are wrong or it is my body being silly.  Either way, things are looking better.  I had beta tests (blood hcg tests) on friday and today.  I will get the results some time tomorrow.  I hope all is well but I am sure that it is ok.

No Heartbeat

I posted this on my pregnancy forum, and also sent it to Sean in an email. I am supposed to be 7 weeks 1 day pregnant.

crying my eyes out. there is no heartbeat, no fetal pole, there is a empty sack. The radiologist is going to look at my blood work to see if my numbers are low. They said that I might not be as far along and only be 4 weeks but that does not work with what my family doctor is saying. My heart is breaking.

So Many Blessings

Today is the 4th anniversary of the death of my dad.  I am so lucky to know that I will see him again one day.  I feel his love today as I took a HPT.  It had been 42 days since my last period.  My body doesn't like HPTs and I am happy to say that today the HPT loved me.  Two pink lines up in the time period.  The second line is faint but a line is a line.  I will test again tomorrow with a better test but I am 5weeks 5 days pregnant!!!

Laughing on the Outside, Crying on the Inside

My heart is totally breaking.  Robbie told his kindergarten teacher today that I had a baby boy yesterday.  She emailed me congratulations and asked me the name.  It breaks my heart that Robbie wants to be a big brother so badly that he would make up stories.  He is such a sweet child and would make an awesome big brother.  I know life is not fair but I want to give my son the things he wants.  Wanting a sibling is not a bad thing.  I want to give him a sibling but so far my body has not co-operated.

After Robbie's 6th birthday we will try and start the adoption classes.

Please Heavenly Father, make it possible for my sweet boy to be a big brother.

2011 Goals

I am a little bit late getting to post this but better late then never! And I don't feel two bad, I am still in January!

1. Taken from 2010 (and this time do it), use Listerine every time I brush, I have gingivitis and it needs to go away!
2. Move more.  Whether walking, using the Wii Fit or swimming I need to get moving.  My weight is slowly going down and if I exercise more 
3. Drink more water!  We are not buying pop (unless I am really sick like last weekend), we buy some juice but pretty much everything at home is water!  I am trying to just have water at work as well.
4. Spend more time with Robbie.  With getting home from work so late it is hard to spend much time with Robbie during the week (besides bedtime stories).  I need to find time to spend some mommy time with my big little boy.
5. Cleaning the house.  I need to find a routine that works for me so that I do not feel our house is a disaster all the time.

2010 Goals in Review

1. More date nights with my hubby. I would like to have at least one a month. We started off good having a date night on January 1st.   This one went mostly as planned.  We did not have a date every month in the sense that we went out and did something just the two of us.  While we did go out more then in 2009 the most important thing is we spent time talking to each other about important things and reminding each other how much we love each other.
2. Using Listerine every time I brush my teeth. I hate the stuff but I know it really makes a difference.  This one was a huge fail.  Still have an almost full bottle of the stuff from last January.
3. Turning off the computer at 7pm to start getting Robbie ready for bed. Apparently it bothers Sean when I am late getting Robbie to bed.  I did really well at getting Robbie to be on time.
4. Attend church more regularly. Going to church has been hard for me, it is so hard being a part-member family. Robbie loves Primary and I really need to see that he attends.  Did not achieve this one as the pelvic pain made it too hard to sit at church.  I went when I was having good days but I missed a lot of church.
5. Stop obsessing about another baby. I am slowly accepting that my body is not co-operating with me and I am not going to get pregnant. We really cant afford to adopt a newborn and right now are not in a place to adopt an older child. I will just have to wait and be patient for our family to grow.  I was doing so well with this one until August... at that time I met with Dr. U (who did my surgery) and he said from my test results that he thought that I could conceive again.  Obsession started again.  I had my surgery December 6th and we have started trying for another baby. We have decided that if I am not pregnant by Robbie's 6th birthday or I get another cyst that will be the end. 
6. Showing Sean how much I love him. I tell him all the time but I feel that I dont always show my love by my actions. I never want him to doubt my love for him.  I feel that I have done this.  Sean knows that I love him and I have tried to show him by little things.  We have had many talks about our feelings and what we love about the other person.

2010 has been a good year overall.  I was frustrated with my health and all the problems that presented. I was put on a job waiting list for the Canada Revenue Agency, I have decided that when I am offered a position that I will say "no".  It is more money but the bank is good to work for, and do I really want to go back to a call centre?  I feel that Sean and I have become closer together as a couple.  We have had a few rough patches but we have weathered them and become stronger.  Robbie started school and loves it.  I have many blessings in my life!  I can honestly say today that life is good!