Group Therapy Session #6

Technically the post should be Group Session 6b because I didnt go last week, but I also did not post so today is Session 6. I talked today about starting the program, about being excited and anxious. I did not talk about how I have been feeling more depressed, I would have but I am starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel again.

I had my physical today, they want you to have one before the program starts. I had put it off since October so it was good to have another reason to have it done. I hate the paper "gowns" they have for you to wear... not fun at all. It was a great appointment, the doctor was happy with all that he saw. He was very happy to hear that I have lost 10% of my body weight. I do my weigh-in tomorrow but since I was one pound off of it from his scale (wearing jeans too!) that I was close enough. I will make a BIG post here when it is finally official.

As I have said I am starting to feel like there is some light in all the darkness again. It helps having friends that are supportive and of course Sean is always there for me. I know that Satan works with the depression to make me feel even worse. I should get a blessing before the program starts. I will ask my home teachers on Sunday.

Update

I didnt weigh-in this week nor did I go to my group therapy so it has been quiet around here.

Friday I went to my orientation for the Day Program and got my start date. I start March 9th. Now that the time is almost here I really wonder if I can do this for 4 months. I want to get better and getting the help that I need will lead to that but I am still unsure of how this program is going to do it. I am really anxious which I guess is normal to feel at this stage of things.

I didnt go to church today. I just wasnt feeling up to it. Robbie really wanted to go so it made me feel bad to stay at home. Sean took him out so I could have some alone time. I just read and napped. I feel bad because the only time Sean gets away from Robbie is at work or during church. It is also not setting a very good example.

Today I was just feeling like I am a horrible person all around. I didnt want to be around my son, if anything I just wanted him gone. I just want a little time alone with my hubby, is that too much to ask for? I feel like it is, and I feel that even asking for it is making me a horrible person. I feel horrible for just wanting to curl up in a ball and forget about life. I feel horrible because I am not the mother I expected myself to be. Sean says that I have unrealistic expectations of how a mother should be, he is probably right but I dont know how to change how I feel a mother should be. Sean figures that I am this way because I didnt have a mother figure for a long time. He forgets that I had Grace as a mother figure, yes she is my "big" sister but she was always more of a mother then my mom was....

I dont know.

Feeling Ugh!

I am feeling off. I am not even sure how to describe how I am feeling. I am down and feel like I want to cry - stupid medication makes it impossible to cry. I feel over-whelmed but by what I have no idea. I just want to curl up in a ball and be left alone. Life sucks.

Eight years ago I proposed to Sean, maybe I am disappointed in it just being an ordinary day. I dont know.

Almost at First Goal

I am almost at my first weight loss goal. I lost another 1.3lbs this week. I have 1 more pound to lose and I will have lost 10% of my starting weight. <> I am trying to be good and not eat too much, although sometimes I feel that I am not eating enough. I dont want my body to go into starvation mode and not lose anything.

I really am doing it!!!

Group Therapy Session #5b

I went this week although I wish I hadnt. It ended 30 minutes early (the therapists had a meeting) and the topics centered on alcohol and whether you could/should drink while in therapy. Pretty much a waste of time for me. It did mean that I got home 30 minutes earlier then I would have.

We have moved over almost all the kitchen stuff. The rest will go tomorrow with the remainder of the food. Saturday is coming up quickly. My home teacher said that he would come and drive the truck for me. I am really happy about that as I hate driving at the best of times. I will drive him over (and pay for the truck) and then follow him back after everything is all done. Sean figures we will be done by noon. Our last intercity move took one hour.

Update

Life is busy right now with the move coming up. We are on track for everything being completed on friday. I do need to call my Home Teacher and see if he will drive the Uhaul for me, I know that I could do it myself but I am nervous to do so. If he says no then I guess I am driving a big truck.

I didnt update my weigh-in last week. I was down another 2.6lbs. The weight is going slowly but I think I would rather that then a fast weight loss. I mean to keep this weight off and if that means just losing a pound or two a week then I guess that I will have to be satisfied with that.

Well, I should go and get more packing done.

Group Therapy Session #5

I didnt go. :( Robbie was a bum and got up at 5:15am. I am so not a morning person and it is worse when I dont get my sleep. After taking him to daycare I took a nap and slept until it was past time for me to leave. I feel a little guilty for not going but I needed sleep. As it was I still woke up with sinus pain. Tomorrow I go to the doctor to see if this is something more serious, I figure that it is just a recurring infection.

We went and saw the Bishop tonight. He was just checking on how we were doing with the Church's assistance. We really are blessed to have the assistance that we do. I think it makes Sean more open to the church with having the help that we are. We also talked about the move, I think everything is set up for the men of the church to help (I will remind them on Sunday).

Tomorrow I am going to call and see if I can find out when I will be starting the program. I am getting really tired of waiting.

I like.....

To offset the posts of what bugs me I am posting things that I like.

1. I like when Sean kisses my forehead. There is nothing romantic about it but it makes me feel calmed and loved.

2. I like milk chocolate. The milkier the better. Chocolate of any kind doesn't like me. (sigh)

3. I like being married. I was single for so long that I wasnt sure how I would do sharing my life with someone else. I like it, I love having a partner in my life.

4. I like hearing Robbie call me "mommy". For so long I was told that I would never have kids and so I get a little excited that I was able to have a little miracle. Maybe one day Robbie will be a big brother.

5. I like having a car. For so long I had to depend on others for rides, walk or ride the bus. I am grateful that we have a car although I really dont like driving.

6. I like that I live far from my family. I love my family very much but I find that when I am around then I revert to a 12 year old. Living in Alberta has allowed me to grow up and be responsible.

7. I like that I am able to grasp technology so easily. I like that I can answer people's questions with knowledge and authority. I like that I am able to teach others with my knowledge.

8. I like Sean being supportive of me with regards to church. It would be easy for him to be negative and yet he is not. Sean encourages my attendance and more importantly encourages Robbie's attendance.

9. I like that I am Canadian. I have a lot of American friends and when I think of the things they dont have - free medical care, one year maternity leave - it makes me feel so blessed to live in an area where I take these things for granted.

10. I like having my own little piece of cyberspace where I can go and write my feelings/thoughts. I dont even care if anyone reads this, I write on my blog for me. If other people want to read and follow my life they are welcome to it but I write for one person and that is me.

So, what things do you like?