Update

I didnt weigh-in this week nor did I go to my group therapy so it has been quiet around here.

Friday I went to my orientation for the Day Program and got my start date. I start March 9th. Now that the time is almost here I really wonder if I can do this for 4 months. I want to get better and getting the help that I need will lead to that but I am still unsure of how this program is going to do it. I am really anxious which I guess is normal to feel at this stage of things.

I didnt go to church today. I just wasnt feeling up to it. Robbie really wanted to go so it made me feel bad to stay at home. Sean took him out so I could have some alone time. I just read and napped. I feel bad because the only time Sean gets away from Robbie is at work or during church. It is also not setting a very good example.

Today I was just feeling like I am a horrible person all around. I didnt want to be around my son, if anything I just wanted him gone. I just want a little time alone with my hubby, is that too much to ask for? I feel like it is, and I feel that even asking for it is making me a horrible person. I feel horrible for just wanting to curl up in a ball and forget about life. I feel horrible because I am not the mother I expected myself to be. Sean says that I have unrealistic expectations of how a mother should be, he is probably right but I dont know how to change how I feel a mother should be. Sean figures that I am this way because I didnt have a mother figure for a long time. He forgets that I had Grace as a mother figure, yes she is my "big" sister but she was always more of a mother then my mom was....

I dont know.