I didnt weigh-in this week nor did I go to my group therapy so it has been quiet around here.
Friday I went to my orientation for the Day Program and got my start date. I start March 9th. Now that the time is almost here I really wonder if I can do this for 4 months. I want to get better and getting the help that I need will lead to that but I am still unsure of how this program is going to do it. I am really anxious which I guess is normal to feel at this stage of things.
I didnt go to church today. I just wasnt feeling up to it. Robbie really wanted to go so it made me feel bad to stay at home. Sean took him out so I could have some alone time. I just read and napped. I feel bad because the only time Sean gets away from Robbie is at work or during church. It is also not setting a very good example.
Today I was just feeling like I am a horrible person all around. I didnt want to be around my son, if anything I just wanted him gone. I just want a little time alone with my hubby, is that too much to ask for? I feel like it is, and I feel that even asking for it is making me a horrible person. I feel horrible for just wanting to curl up in a ball and forget about life. I feel horrible because I am not the mother I expected myself to be. Sean says that I have unrealistic expectations of how a mother should be, he is probably right but I dont know how to change how I feel a mother should be. Sean figures that I am this way because I didnt have a mother figure for a long time. He forgets that I had Grace as a mother figure, yes she is my "big" sister but she was always more of a mother then my mom was....
I dont know.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Update
Posted by Margaret at 4:28 PM
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2 comments:
You are being lied to by satan, my friend. You ARE a good mother, you WILL get better.
Take things one day at a time. Trust in The One who knows your heart and has a beautiful plan for your life.
I am praying for you as always.
you ask a good question ... "how to change how you feel a mother should be" ... there is an answer to that and perhaps as you answer that you will be able to find more peace. it will come from the same place you answer "how can i accept that i am good enough just as i am - that i am loveable right now."
'cause you are! here's a question to ask yourself ... if god and jesus christ were with you right now, what do you think they would say/do? i promise you it would be something along the lines of giving you a hug, telling you they love you, and reminding you how amazing you are - and giving you a glimpse of your amazingness.
you are loved!!
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