Week Three

Not a lot happened this week. I was pretty quiet most of the week. I am having a rough time dealing with my mom. I feel that I have lost her again. I want my mommy back right now (as Robbie would say). I know that I dont have things as hard as Grace does, she is responsible for mom now, but I have already lost mom once before when I was 7, I dont like losing her again. I finally got to talk about my feelings on friday.

I was able to pick up my new glasses on saturday, I have having a little bit of a hard time adjusting to them. I am fine at distances but close up things are a little blurry, especially when I am tired. I find that I have to hold things at a distance. I have taken off my glasses for the day so I can see ok right now.

Sunday has been a long day and I am eagerly awaiting bed time.

Headaches

I have been having tons of headaches lately, sore tired eyes, eyes watering suddenly. I knew that there had been a change in my prescription, it had been over two years since my last eye exam. Well, I went on friday and there was quite a change. I have ordered new glasses and will get them on the 30th. Until then I will just have to suffer with headaches. Not fun!

My second week of DTP went well. I am starting to open up and realizing relationships between what happened to me as a child and how I parent Robbie. I am terrified that Robbie will have the same kinds of memories that I have of my mother. Well, he cant have the same memories that I have of Doreen, I dont hit him although I do occasionally yell at him. I try not to and am usually successful but I have my moments where I am pushed to the limit. I am still waiting for the woman who started the same time I did to drop out. She is still continually late and has such an attitude about her.

I am journalling after most sessions in a book I have. I think it is a good way for me to remember what I am feeling and anything I talked about. Other people are journalling as well.

Tuesday is Sean's birthday. He wants me to pick up a cake on my way home on tuesday evening. I also need to see the Bishop this week....

This weekend

Had been a complete bust. I slept all saturday afternoon and all of sunday morning. I would actually be still in bed but Sean is there and someone has to watch the little man. I got a headache last night (up too late) and still have one today.... I didnt feel up to driving so Robbie and I did not go to church. Bad me.

More on DTP...
I am more used to the idea of groups and so I think this next week I will share more. Last week I was more taking everything in, this week it is time to get to work. On friday, Anthony (my therapist) and I started my history. That was pretty intense, and confusing of course while we sorted out my siblings. It turns out for my family of orgin interview that I am going to have to invite Gord (step-brother) and Edith (step-mother). I am not too happy about having to invite Gord, I will do it because that is part of the program, at least I do not need to worry about him coming out to Edmonton. I dont mind inviting Edith, I figured that I would need to, she wont be coming out either but that is ok with me. My current family interview will be interesting, what can Robbie say about mommy? I did ask if he was expected to come and was told yes.

Well, I am sure that being on the computer is not helping with the headache.

Day Treatment Program

Well, I am almost finished my first week, fridays are half days. It is going well so far. I haven't done a whole lot of talking but I am taking things in. My first day I got in trouble for walking to slow to volleyball so now I am not allowed to go to volleyball or anything else that involves walking a distance. I am short and obese, I walk slow, get over it! I did go into some detail about being raped when I was 11. I was kind of surprised that I got into something so deep on my second day. I discovered that while I thought I had dealt with the whole incident I have never allowed myself to be angry about it. Anger is one of the things that I need to deal with over the next 17 weeks.

I do think that there are too many breaks for too long. Our breaks are generally 25-30 minutes with an hour for lunch. I would rather shorter breaks and either more groups or leaving earlier. Today our patient lounge was being used and so we had to wait in the hallway for one of our breaks. I was not happy about that. I had taken my Axim (pda) to do some reading and never got a chance. I am not sure even if we had the break room I would have read but at least it would have been a possibility.

Bedtime is looming so I had better go. More details later...

Tomorrow is the day!

I have been waiting for tomorrow to happen for 2.5 months. I seemed that it would never come and yet here it finally is. The first day of my Day Treatment Program. I am excited and also anxious. I am not sure totally of what to expect, I understand the concept of group therapy but I am not sure how the directed groups go. I am also not sure how I am going to deal with the large group at the beginning of each day. I am committed to do what I need to do to get better and become a better mother.

My goals for therapy are to:
1) increase my self esteem
2) become a better mother by learning from my relationships with my various mothers
3) to learn to deal with depression in a healthy way

I have 18 weeks to achieve my goals or at least make good headway on them. I have had a blessing from my home teacher. I have the support of Sean and of his mom. I have the support of a ton of friends. I need to do this for me, this is my time and I will use it to progress to the person I want to be.

Mom

I had a long talk with Grace last night. It was really good to talk to her and I think she needed someone to talk to. We talked about how mom is doing. Apparently mom is not doing so well, she no longer enjoys tv (I think that she cant follow the story) and so she acts like a lost puppy. It has been really hard for Grace dealing with mom on her own. As mom slides further downhill Grace has more stress added to her load. The biggest stress is about to come. Mom has a spot in a nursing home, right now there is a flu outbreak there but once that is cleared up mom will be moving in. Grace hates the idea that mom will be in a home but finally realizes that this is something that needs to be done. It is in mom's best interest to be in a home where she can be properly cared for and it takes the stress from Grace. They will still be able to take mom places and visit and such but not having to care for her 24/7 will be a big stress reliever.

I feel kind of guilty that I am not there to help with the transition. I feel lucky to be so far removed from everything. I do think that mom going into a home is a very good thing, it should have been done before.

Apparently Edith isnt doing so well either. Grace says that Edith hardly comes to church anymore and she is worried about her. Just what Grace needs, another stress.

It is hard to see your parents grow old....