Christmas Tree

Today we put up the tree and decorated it. It is a little bottom heavy from Robbie putting on the decorations but I am sure the tree will be rearranged a few times before the big day. I kept forgetting to buy Robbie an Advent calendar so I need to get one tomorrow. I am hoping to get some shopping done tomorrow but I do have a doctor's appointment that I need to leave at 12:30 for. By the time I get back home it will be time to pick up Robbie. Sean will be home sometime between 5:30-6 from his first day at work.

I am mad at Sean right now. With all the financial problems we are having he went to Smitty's for lunch. He promised he would not go there anymore. I have lost some trust in him which is not good. I don't know how to get over my anger. I feel like he did it to punish me and make me more stressed, if so it worked. I was just starting to get over my stress about finances.

Meeting with my Bishop

Last night Sean and I went to talk to my Bishop. I feel better about things. Bishop McQuay has helped me to see that I need to take care of myself. Right now that means I need to be home from work and the sacrifices that involves. I am no good at work or home at the moment, I need the healing time of the day program to get well. Our family is blessed in so many ways. I try to remember to say thank you for everything in my prayers but I feel that it is not adequate.

We picked up the application form for HomeEd, which is a subsidized housing program. You pay 27% of your gross income in rent (up to market value which is actually less then market value really is). If we could get into the program the lower rent would be another big blessing. I asked today about the waiting list and the manager said it could be anywhere from a month to a year or longer, it just depends on when a space becomes available.

We are also applying for daycare subisty, it appears that they will pay about 80% of our daycare costs! I need to get a letter from work saying that I am on unpaid medical leave. Hopefully I will be able to get that in the next few days.

Sean and I decided that we are still getting each other Christmas gifts for one another. Sean's gift to me might be late as he is ordering it online. I am unsure what to get him. Maybe I will have to check out Warp in the mall and see what new D&D stuff they have.

What Have You Done...?

I stole this from Kate's blog. I was feeling bad about not posting last night.


What Have You Done...?

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child - no but I was adopted
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked - but I knew the person
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie - if home movies count
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Guide Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check (And that's CHEQUE for us Canadians, EH?)
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in Arlington Cemetery
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury - no but was called to jury duty
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Thankful Tuesday

As much as this depression is affecting me I can still be thankful about things. Today I am thankful for many things:

1. Sean and all the cuddles he has been giving me. At least once a day we have cuddle time.
2. Sean getting the job at Voxcom, he starts monday
   
3. Robbie being such a good boy the last few days.
4. Friends and family who are so supportive of me, some even read my blog :-)
5. Church, although my faith is being tested right now I still know that I am a child of God.
6. Sean for being supportive of me attending the day program.

Tonight I made supper for the first time in a long time. It wasn't great but it was edible. I am sure that as I have more "good" moments that my cooking skills will return.

I heard from the Insurance Company today regarding the paperwork that I need to submit. I looked over everything and they don't give you very much space to put anything! I have to use Sean's computer to print everything as Adobe doesn't like Vista.

What to do?

I had my therapy session today. It was ok but we talked about what program I should be in. The therapist thinks that it would be best for me to go into what they call the "day program". The program is intense group therapy that lasts 9-5 for 18 weeks! I would be unable to work until after the therapy is over. If I am accepted into the program it will be about two months on a waiting list. That means at least 6.5 months before I would be going back to work! Sean says that I shouldn't worry about the money (or lack of it) but should do the program if that is what is going to help me in the long run. I am trying not to worry about money but it is a huge concern for me. I am already stressed with our finances and if I am off longer then a month or so our debts will increase. Once we got out of debt I swore that we would never be in debt again. I don't qualify for medical employment insurance, I need 600 hours worked in the last 52 weeks. I feel like I should just go back to work and pretend this never happened. I feel sick to my stomach right now, I feel so much stress it is worse then ever.

Sean has not heard back from his friday interview. He did call them and they are going to get back to him by noon tomorrow. I really hope that he gets it. It will help with some of the money stress but not all of it.

Bleh!

That is how I am feeling today, just bleh. We had supper with Sean's step-brothers, something that I really looked forward to in the past, and it was just bleh. The food was good and everything but I just felt apart from it all. I have a counselling session in the morning. Sean said that if I didnt already have an appointment he would be insisting that I saw someone.

It's Friday

I have decided that as boring as my life is I am going to try and post every day. Today Sean had an interview for Voxcom doing tech support. He most likely got the job, it just had to be cleared by someone in Montreal. He will find out monday.

I heard from work today and I am on an unpaid medical leave. It will go through the insurance company to help work understand that I am dealing with a medical condition and work to get me back working. Not being paid will make things tight but with Sean working we will survive. We were bad today and went to Montana's for lunch, that place is expensive but the food is soooo good.

I am sleeping horribly at night so I am trying to take my new med at night and see if there is a difference. I had a nap this afternoon which was really nice, I needed it! I had a pretty ok day.

I saw my doctor this morning, he is happy that I am going through the U of A program. He thinks that it will really help me. I hope so. I have another appointment at the U of A on monday.

Tired of pretending

I am tired of pretending that everything is ok. Things are not ok, I am severely depressed, I am unable to work, getting out of bed in the morning is an accomplishment. I am trying to get help and this time around I will take all the time and help that I need. I can't continue to live life this way. It isnt fair to Sean or Robbie and most importantly it is not fair to me.

Having a bad day

Today has been a rough day. I didnt sleep well last night and so I slept through church. I wasn't at church last week because Robbie was sick, that makes me missing church two weeks in a row! Yuck!

The healthcare nurse came and did a followup on how I was doing. She thought that I was making small positive improvements. I have been feeling better for the most part. I am still really tired most of the time. Work is going ok, my brain isnt always with it but I am getting through the days.

Sean quit working at Best Buy, it was either quit or drop down to part-time. Part-time wouldnt pay the bills so Sean quit. He has two interviews already this week. The one tomorrow is downtown so we are going to meet for lunch. We are trying to avoid eating out but one lunch won't break the bank, especially at the food court.

I dont know if it is the financial stuff that it upsetting me or if it is something else but I am down today.

The light therapy is helping somewhat, at least I think it is starting to make a difference. I am not expecting miracles after one week. I need to recharge the batteries so I will be ready to go for tomorrow.

I am ready to drop off to sleep so even though it is only 7:30pm I am going to go to bed. G'nite!

Light Therapy

I started on light therapy today. I was back at the hospital feeling suicidal. I hated being there. At first I was kept in emerg as there wasnt a bed for me. I spent about 20 hours in emerg with my every move being watched, I at least got to shut the door when going to the bathroom. Finally I was moved to a locked ward, there things were a little better. Friday morning I saw the psychiatrist and asked to go home. After talking for a bit, he agreed to let me go home. I was really missing Robbie and Sean. The doctor suggested that I might have SAD (seasonal affective disorder) along with the underlying depression. He did suggest that once I have a medical plan (starting in December) that I change meds (but I guess that will be up to whatever psychiatrist I am seeing. He also suggested that I needed light therapy, I figure anything that might help is good to try. The light is VERY bright! I have it on for 15 minutes/time. It should only take a few days to notice a difference.