Bugy Bug Bug

I was tagged by Courtney so here is my list of ten things that bug me.

1. Being depressed. I hate how it makes me feel, I hate how I have to be on medication. I just wish my brain would work normally.

2. Bad drivers. If you are at a 4-way stop, the first person to stop goes, not whoever feels like going.

3. People who call late at night. We go to bed early, Sean gets up for work at 4am. DO NOT call after 9pm.

4. People who call and then demand "who is this"? You called me, know who you dialed.

5. Robbie's "whiney" voice. When Robbie starts to whine I get a headache, lucky for me he does not do it often.

6. People who get on the bus and then acted surprised that they have to pay. If you are waiting for the bus then get your ticket/money/bus pass ready. Dont wait to get on the bus and then start shuffling around trying to find your money.

7. People who talk loudly on their cell phones. I do not need to hear your conversation and more importantly I dont WANT to hear your conversation. If I am sitting at the front of the bus and you are in the back I should not hear you.

8. People who type in ALL CAPS all the time. It is so hard to read and gives me a head ache.

9. People who dont use any paragraphs or punctuation. It makes things hard to read. I dont always use correct punctuation but I do try and make things legible so that other people can read what I write.

10. Being sick all the time. I have a low imune system and I hate how I get colds/flus/etc. I try not to whine about it but sometimes it is hard to live in a run down body. That is one of the reasons I am working at changing my life, I dont want to be sick all the time.

Good Day

Today I kept Robbie home from daycare. We had a good day, I didnt get anything done but that is ok. Sean is now home from work and the boys are playing on their 'puters. Robbie is just like his daddy. I am going to have to go back to the doctors next week, my sinuses are still bothering me, at least the bronchitis is gone.

Not much else happening today, just a ususal friday.

The First Five

Taken from Cath's blog...

the first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! my choice. for you. this offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1. i make no guarantees that you will like what i make!
2. what i create will be just for you.
3. it’ll be done this year. {translation: you may be waiting a little while}
4. you have no clue what it’s going to be ... it may be cards, a poem, a bookmark, something yummy or a complete surprise to you (and me!) ... who knows? not you, that’s for sure!
5. i reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

most importantly, you must offer the same deal on your blog - the first 5 people to comment on your blog (or if you do not have a blog, facebook) get something made by YOU!

the first 5 people to do so and leave a comment telling me they did win a FAB-U-LOUS homemade gift by me ...

Group Therapy Session #4

Well, once again it is wednesday and so that means group. If I havent mentioned before I HATE going. I dont feel an hour a week is helpful. It is supposed to help with when I start the day program which is 8 hours per day, 5 days a week. Again this week there were a bunch of new people and for some reason the new people think they must talk. Personally I wish people would just shut up. Yes, I am in a grumpy mood.

Today, just for Cath, I talked. I wasnt even forced into it. After the new people shut up I finally said what I was feeling with regards to Robbie. That I feel like I am a rotten mother for not wanting to spend time with him and letting Sean take over most of the childcare. I have made a therapy goal to spend some time reading with Robbie every morning. I need to do this for me as muxh as for Robbie. Mother-guilt sucks big time.

Moving

I thought that things were settled and that we would be staying here for another six months. However last night Sean got into it with our landlord about our renters insurance. So we are now moving. It looks like we may have a place to live already, Sean made an inquiry last night on a place he saw online and they got back to us today. If we sign a 13 month lease we get February free so we wouldnt be paying rent at two places but we would have all month to move in. We are going to go and see the place tonight.

~~UPDATE~~
We went and saw the new place, put in our application and were approved. The managers are members of the Church, their daughter is in Sunbeams with Robbie. I have already book the U-haul truck and we move on February 14th... not like we do anything special for Valentine's day anyway.

So Sick

I have bronchitis and a sinus infection. I feel horrible, I did get a nap in this afternoon. At least the antibiotics seem to be doing something. I hope that by Sunday I am doing better.

I gained 0.2lbs this last week. My eating has been horrible and I havent done the Wii Fit at all. I am not hopeful for things changing until after I feel better.

Group Therapy Session #3

So another week went by and I know Cath is waiting with bated breath to hear if I spoke at today's session. So instead of being mean and not telling until the end I will tell now. I did speak....my name : ) Once again I got away without discussing anything. I am sure next week I will be forced to talk. I did keep coughing during the session as I have a cold on top of a sinus infection. I have to go and pick up antibiotics tomorrow.

I am starting to notice that my mood is getting better, I am not so down as I have been. I am totally exhausted though and still dont get much done during the day. I did do some grocery shopping today but that was all I had energy for. Tomorrow I will go to the pharmacy and then in the afternoon I am waiting for a delivery.

I called our Home Teachers tonight to see if they knew of anyone with a truck. We need to move a freezer two blocks. If we can get a truck we are being given a freezer from Joanne (where Robbie goes to daycare). It would be cool (pun intended) to have a freezer so I hope we can find someone with a truck.

edited to correct spelling error of "baited" to "bated"

Binge control

Last night I wanted to binge. I recognized that I was stressed and upset and just wanted to eat and eat. It was hard but I didnt give into the feelings. I knew that I wasnt hungry, I just wanted the calming effects of eating a bunch of food. Part of what stopped me is there was nothing in the house to binge on, but that isnt totally true there was food just nothing that appealed to me. Part of what stopped me was knowing that I would feel worse after giving in. I went to bed, took some tylenol for my headache and was asleep shortly after. This morning the reason for wanting to eat no longer mattered.

I am proud of myself, although I am sure there will be other binges I was able to control my emotions and not start eating. Even just once it is a victory that needs to be recognized. I can control my emotional eating. Yay!

Weigh-In

I weighed myself this morning and am down another 0.4lbs. Not much of a loss but I did eat an entire large bag of potato chips the other day. I shouldnt have even bought the chips let alone ate them but I wanted them and so just a little loss.

I did do the short walk on the Wii Fit. It took me 7 minutes! (blush) and I didnt even walk the whole time. I know the time will come down and eventually I might even be able to jog the distance but I was pretty embarrassed. So feeling humiliated by my lack of stanima what do I do but come and blog about it so others will know of my pain. All I can do is keep trying, but at least I have used the Wii Fit once this week with 2 days remaining.

Today it is 1*C, no I didnt forget a negative sign, we are in for a few days of plus temperatures! Maybe the nice weather will motivate me to do better.

Sean's alarm clock went off at midnight! It is supposed to be set for 3:45am (waht an aweful hour to get up) so we dont know what happened. I did buy him a new alarm clock today - one without the radio so all is good (I hope).

Group Therapy Session #2

Well today was day two. I just barely made it on time. Once again I did not want to go. Once again I sat silent. I dont imagine that they (the therapists) will let me get away with it for long. It is easier to stay quiet then to participate.

On the way home the bus I was riding in got into an accident. No one was hurt, there didnt even appear to be any damage but we had to transfer to another bus. It took me an extra 45 minutes to get home! I was not impressed.

It was cold and snowy today but it is supposed to warm up tomorrow through saturday. I sure hope so. I need to do some stuff, go to the library, get some meds...

I still havent heard from work. I wonder if I should call them. If they are going to debit my bank account I need to know when and how much. Grrr....

Bad Day

Today has been a bad day all around. I have had no energy and felt like doing anything. Even though I slept in I had a nap at noon. I didnt go to church as I felt like I could not do it today. I just could not stand being around other people and trying to act like everything is fine. Robbie was disappointed, he wanted to go to church. I feel bad that I didnt go, I know that I should not give into my moods but it is so hard sometimes.

The nap at least made me feel a bit better although I woke with sinus pain. I told Sean to go and lie down, so he went for a nap an hour ago. I put on supper (a ham), did a few dishes and now I am back on the computer. I will get Sean up at 5 if he is not already awake by then.

I wish there was a magic pill that I could take and the depression would be over. Yeah, I know they are called anti-depressants. My meds do make a difference but I still have my bad days, most of my days are just ok. I want to feel happy for a change. Robbie is always testing our moods "are you happy daddy?" "are you mad mommy?". Today I lied and told him I was happy, how do you explain to a 3 year old that you are depressed, you dont.

I need to go to the doctors and get another form filled out for daycare subsisdy. I am greatful for the money but the hoops you must jump through.... I also have to get a letter from work saying that I am on unpaid leave and I will have to write a letter stating that I am NOT receiving any money from outside sources. I dont qualify for any EI or anything.

I want to know when my start date is for the program. I never have been patient and waiting for a start date is not helping my mood.

Weigh-In

I weighed in last night at 255.5lbs, down 1.3lbs from a week ago. I should have weighed in during the morning but I forgot about it until Sean reminded me as I was going to bed. If I had used the Wii Fit even once this week I am sure I would have remembered. So yeah, I did not do even one day of exercising on the Wii Fit so it will be my goal again.

I found out some information about my day program. The support group sessions ARE optional for me. For other people they are mandatory, but they have other issues such as addiction. That is good to know because I was getting a bit panicky over it; if I needed to do a certain amount of sessions before orientation then when the heck would I get into the program. Turns out there is no worry.

For the life of me I cant remember taking my morning meds today. I dont remember not taking them either. I am tired now but dont know if that is just because of the time of day or because I didnt take my meds.

I got paid again yesterday. Today, with much struggle I found the phone numbers I needed and contacted work. Mary (HR person) is not sure why I am being paid and thinks I need to pay back the money. The other thing is my benefit package arrived today and I was able to sign up. Apparently that is something else that shouldnt have happened. Mary is checking into things and is going to call me on Monday. I hope this gets resolved soon. I am a little stressed about everything. I feel bad saying this but in many ways I wish I didnt call about being paid, of course paying back $2000 then ten times the amount.

Group Therapy Session #1

So on wednesday afternoons, until I start my program, I have a support group session. Today was my first one. I didnt say anything - no surprise to me that I didnt say anything. I am confused though, I was told that the group was optional but other people mentioned today that they had reached their manditory number of sessions. I need to call my therapist tomorrow and will ask about the group. If I need to attend a certain amount of times I need to know that. I almost didn't go today. I was two minutes late as well. Next week I need to leave earlier.

I am feeling a little frustrated with myself. I have so many things that I should be doing and yet I have no energy to get anything done. I am not good at making myself do things and so therefore nothing gets done. I am so far behind on housework. Sean doesnt say anything but I know that it bothers him as well. I want to live in a clean house, I want the dishes to be kept up. I just dont know how to get everything done.

I am going to breakfast with Joyce on friday. I dont really want to go but I did promise her that I would help her get her Shaw internet hooked up. She got a new computer for Christmas and since we told her to get Shaw over Telus I feel responsible for helping her. Bruce wanted her to get Telus. I really dont know how I am going to deal with the stress of spending another day with Joyce. If Sean wasnt working I would be sending him but as it is I will spend the time with her.

Favourite Hymn

My favourite Hymn is #134 "I Believe in Christ". I think that I need to sing/read/listen to it more often. When Dad was dying I spent the night at the hospital with him. I put on his Mormon Tab cd on repeat. I think every time "I Believe in Christ" came on I would wake up. The words are as follows:

I Believe in Christ

Lyrics by Bruce R. McConkie
Music by John Longhurst

I believe in Christ, He is my King!
With all my heart to Him I'll sing
I'll raise my voice in praise and joy
In grand amen's my tongue employ
I believe in Christ, He is God's Son
On earth to dwell, His soul did come
He healed the sick, the dead He raised
Good works were His, His name be praised

I believe in Christ, oh blessed name!
As Mary's Son, He came to reign
Mid mortal men, His earthly kin
To save them from the woes of sin
I believe in Christ, who marked the path
Who did gain all His Father hath
Who said to men "Come follow Me
That ye, my friends, with God may be"

I believe in Christ, my Lord and my God!
My feet He plants on gospel sod.
I'll worship Him with all my might
He is the source of truth and light
I believe in Christ, He ransoms me
From satan's grasp He sets me free
And I shall live with joy and love
In His eternal courts above

I believe in Christ, He stands supreme!
From Him I'll gain my fondest dream
And while I strive through grief and pain
His voice is heard "Ye shall obtain"
I believe in Christ, so come what may
With Him I'll stand in that great day
When on this earth he comes again
To rule among the sons of men

Grumpy

That is my name and my mood. I have been really depressed since Christmas and I am not sure why. Maybe it is because my expectations of the holidays are never realized. I am always disappointed with the day and from there the depression has just continued.

Mother guilt: On my Canadian adoption website http://www.canadaadopts.com one of the moms was talking about how she isnt the mother she thought she would be. I totally get how she is feeling. I am not the mother I expected to be and in some ways I am the mother that I said I never would be. I can be very selfish with my time, especially right now while I am depressed. I am lucky that Sean is so patient with Robbie, at least he gets it from one parent. As much as I try not to, I sometimes yell at Robbie; the only memories I have of Doreen (my biological mother) is of her yelling (and hitting) at me. I dont want Robbie to have those kind of memories. Changing my parenting skills is part of what I hope to get out of the day program.

Day Program: Starts next month! I am not sure what day I start, just sometime in February. On wednesdays I will be going to the "waiting list" group sessions. I think it will help to get me used to group therapy. I am nervous about the group aspect of things but I want to get help and this program is supposed to be amazing.

Weekly goal: I made a goal this week to use the Wii Fit 3 times. I didnt do so good on my last goal - I only ate breakfast once instead of three times.

Welcome 2009

As I said in my last posting 2009 is the year that I am going to get healthy. Today I weighed myself and I am down another 2.2 lbs. That makes a total of 20lbs lost since the end of August! It seems slow and it is but it is 20lbs lost forever. My weight is now at 258.8, not a number I am especially proud of but a number that I am not going to see again.