Christmas part 2

I did really well over the holidays. My mood was good and things went well. Christmas dinner was really good (if I can comment on my own cooking). Joyce and Bruce (my mother-in-law and her boyfriend) were only here for 3 hours! Boxing day was good, we went and got groceries and just rested.

Then came Sunday... I am not sure why but I have been having so many dreams of me being pregnant. Not good. Infertility really sucks! Anyways, I could not even drag myself from bed, I spent the day there crying off and on. When I wasn't crying I was sleeping. Sean was great and took munchkin mcgoo (one of my names for the boy) and went out, giving me some time to myself. I was going to make supper but fell asleep.

Today was much better. I felt rested and not so down. We went to the Telus World of Science and had a great family day. Tomorrow it is back to work for me (3 days this week) and daycare for Robbie while Sean starts looking for a summer job.

Christmas Time

Christmas is a hard holiday for me. It generally makes me depressed. This year Robbie is so into things that I hope it will be better.

I am trying to remember the "reason for the season" this year and so I am going to share my favourite Christmas carol.

O Holy Night

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming,
Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friends.
He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
His power and glory ever more proclaim!

Frustrated

Robbie's well-child check up was good. He is 35.8lbs and 41". Doc said he is healthy.

We did talk about me for a bit. My doc wants to wait until cyst #3 (in this round) or for me to see Dr Chua (my pcos doc) before putting me back on the pill. I want to cry! I still have no period in site - last one was October 15th. I hope I get back in to see Dr. Chua soon. I hate that I needed a new referral to see him.

I had my flu and h1n1 shots today, I am starting to get a headache but I think that is more due to being on the computer for too long. I think I will take some tylenol and rest for a bit before I pick up Robbie.

Oh yeah, I bought a "sexy" nightie not that we really need any help in that area but I figured we have been married for 7.5 years and it was time to get some lingerie.

Oh yeah, my doctor said that if I would just get pregnant then I would stop having the cysts for 9 months! I know he didnt mean anything by it but still....

No More Babies!

On wednesday as I was coming home from work I started to feel pain. Not a good thing! I waited at home for a bit and then decided to head to Emerg. I had to wait quite a bit and then I was taken in to see the doctor. I eventually got some drugs and blood tests. I am not pregnant (not that I thought I was). The other tests were good. The doc ordered an ultrasound and sent me home with pain meds. I had the ultrasound on friday and then had to go back to Emerg. The doctor confirmed that there was a cyst on the left side (the pain was on the right). Home with more pain meds. The doc and the resident both said that they thought I needed to go back on the pill. In other words, no more trying for a baby!

Sean and I had already talked about it. I knew what was coming but I still sat there and cried. Once I came home I cried some more. I am so sad. I know that having another baby would be difficult but I feel like my body has betrayed me. I hate having PCOS, it is so not fair (of course Sean reminds me that life is not fair). Someone (I dont remember who) said that things are better this way, another baby might have had health issues or whatever. I dont care! The baby would be mine! My heart feels broken. It is going to take so much time to get over this.

I take Robbie to the doctor tomorrow (4 year check up) and I am going to see if he can talk to me for a few minutes. I guess I will be going on the pill whenever my period decides to show up again.

Bleh!

Vacation is Over!

Tomorrow I go back to work after being off for 8 days. Yuck! I didnt get as much done as I wanted to. I need to get more cleaning done then I did.

I did get Robbie's hair re-cut today. He had it cut 2 weeks ago and the lady did a horrible job so I took him to the salon where I get my hair done. Much better. I need to get a picture of it, he is in bed so not tonight.

Next saturday (the 28th) we are finally getting our family pictures done as well as Robbie's 4th birthday ones. We also have Bruce's 90th birthday party (Bruce is Sean's mom's boyfriend), we are glad to have an excuse to be late.

Spa Day

My spa day actually started on Wednesday, November 11th. I went to make an appointment to get my hair done and while I was there I found out that my favourite "waxer" was there. I got my face waxed, it had been awhile so it was nice to get it done

Thursday I went and got my hair coloured and cut. I absolutely love it! Here is a picture.

Then Friday came. I took Robbie to daycare and then went to the Spa. First was a full body massage. It was so wonderful. It felt much longer then an hour, not that it was bad, very relaxing. We did find a few tender spots but when I was done I felt so good. Next was my facial. I had never had a professional facial before. It felt really, really nice. I am not sure what all was done but it felt good. Next was my pedicure, I LOVE getting peridcures. My feet feel so nice afterwards. Robbie keeps asking why I have purple toes : ) I then had a light lunch. After lunch was my manicure. I am not so big on manicures, mostly because I chip my nails too easily (case in point, my nail polish chipped today) but it was still nice to have done. Again Robbie questions my purple nails. I was at the spa from 9-3! I left feeling really nice and pampered. It was a wonderful birthday gift.

Sean is a wonderful and very thoughtful husband. It was so nice to have a day to feel pampered and spoiled. I will have to come up with something very special for his 40th, of course I have 6 years to prepare!

Friday night and all day saturday I went to a Parenting Toddlers and Preschoolers class. I learned some ways to be a better mommy.

On Turning 40

It was funny how I didn't mind turning 40. I actually looked forward to it. I didn't want to turn 30 but 40 I was ok with. Maybe it is because my life is so much more settled now. I am married to a wonderful husband and I have a beautiful son. Life is pretty good.

Sean bought me a spa package for my birthday. I am so spoiled. Joyce (my mother-in-law) bought me some clothes for work (she took me shopping). I also received gift cards for Walmart and the movies.

I tried to have a birthday party but that was a flop. Only one of my friends showed up and 4 of Sean's (who come here every saturday night anyways). I was pretty upset but I am mostly over it now.

Robbie's First Dentist Appointment

On August 25th Robbie had his first dentist appointment. Mommy was at work so daddy made sure to take some pictures. Robbie was a little scared of the chair moving so they didn't tilt it back. The dentist basically just counted Robbie's teeth and noticed that there are no signs of any cavities. I later asked Robbie how many teeth he has and he told me 10!

Welcome Madison Jean

Welcome to the family little one. My newest great niece has arrived! Madison Jean was born this morning at about 6:30am. She weighed 6lbs, 4oz and was 19". Madison arrived after about 4 hours of labour. Kira and baby are doing great. I cant wait to see pictures of this little one. Each baby is so special. I am pleased that Kira and Dan honoured my sister Edith by using her middle name. I miss Edith so much but at times like this I feel her close.

Work Again

So, I have now finished my 3 weeks of part-time and go full-time on monday. I am not totally thrilled with my hours 10-6 but I cant complain too much. If I drive to Bonnie Doon mall then I am home around 6:30 and Sean has dinner ready for me.

I really need to work on exercising as I want to start trying for another baby. Sean said that I have to be exercising in order for him to agree to another child.

Sean will be starting at Nait in a few weeks. I am really excited for him. It will be a tough two years financially but we will get through it. Luckily if I do get pregnant the bank tops up my salary. We will also qualify for daycare subsidy again so that will help with expenses.

Right now I am waiting to hear that Kira has had her baby girl. I cant wait to hear her name. I really want to go to Utah and see them all. I havent been to Utah since Edith died 18 years ago. I have met up with one of Edith's old friends on Facebook. It is nice to talk to someone about my sister.

Back to Work

I know that I need to post about the end of therapy and such but for now it is back to work.

Yesterday was my first day back at the bank. I worked 4 hours and it was good. I easily feel back into routine. I remembered the programs and what information needed to be in what computer fields. Today I am back in for another 4 hours. Next week I work 4 hours and the following week I work 6 hours and then back to full-time.

On saturday Joyce (my mother-in-law) took me shopping for back to work clothing. We went to Penningtons and bought $250 worth of clothes for $110! I love sales! I want to go back to pick a few other things.

Week 18

I will eventually go back and change the date of this.

Week 18 was HARD. I never really expected to make it this far. I kept thinking I would drop out. It was so hard to say good-bye to friends. On the last day I asked everyone to wear purple (my favourite colour). One of the "new" girls said she felt like we were a gang because a bunch of my friends did wear purple. My last day was horrible with this whole "gang" thing. I felt like crying.

I broke rules and met up with one of the girls for lunch, two others were invited but they didn't show up. Oh well.

I learned a lot about myself during therapy, the most important is that I am doing the best that I can. I need to stop trying to live up to some ideal image that I have in my mind and just do my best. I feel a lot more calmer with Robbie and for the most part I am more patient with him.

I am taking things one step at a time.

Weeks 13 - 17

I talked about how much I wanted another baby but I was questioning why I wanted another baby. I suggested that due to how things worked out with Robbie I might want a "do-over". When I said that I was immediately jumped upon by one of the guys in group telling me "to NEVER have another baby!" I was so upset, I was finally opening up about something that means a big deal to me and to have some jerk beat me up about it was so hard. One of the girls agreed with him. I felt so hurt and misunderstood. Of course I didn't mean that I wouldn't love another child, or that I would love a new baby more then Robbie. There are just things that I wished had been different. I didn't really get to enjoy being pregnant with Robbie once the gall stones started to give me problems. Since he was so small and had breast-feeding issues I didn't really get to breast feed. Is it so bad to want another baby and see if things are different?

Eventually both the jerks apologized. I really felt like telling them that they had no idea what they were talking about with both of them being childless. Especially the woman who doesn't want kids because she is afraid of blood...

Weeks 10, 11 and 12

I have not been too good at blogging lately. Therapy had kind of stalled. I feel that I am not getting anywhere. Then again, I am not talking. I just cant seem to relate to anything.

I had my second patient evaluation in week 11. I was asked about my sex life, I am sure that I turned 1000 shades of red.

I am not doing to well in the eating department. I keep eating foods that are full of sugar. I overeat as well. I need to do better.

I am becoming a more patient mom! There are things that Robbie has done that in the past would upset me that I am being more tolerable about.

Week Nine/Mother's Day

I am now half way through therapy. In some ways it seems like I should be further along and in others it seems like time has flown by. Therapy is going well, I am really getting into talking about my mom and how I feel about the Alzheimer's.

Mother's Day was really hard for me. I hated not being able to contact my mom and talk with her. I know that she wouldn't make sense anyways but I am really missing my mom. I remember the countless hours that we talked on the phone since I moved to Edmonton and I really miss that. I was always able to tell mom what was happening in my life and rarely did I get judged by her. I miss the closeness that we were able to forge over the long distance lines. I do believe that it is best that me and my family are in Edmonton, it does not change the fact that I feel very guilty about not living closer to my mom.

Today (ok, I know that today is week 10...) I talked about how hard Mother's Day was on me and how I missed my mom. I said that in some ways I wish mom was already dead, it is so hard to hear the reports of how mom is doing (or not doing). I think I am starting to grieve the loss of my mother.... How do you grieve for someone who is still alive?

Week Eight

It is hard to believe but I am almost half way through DTP. The week was ok. I talked a bit about Sean and I. The week ended with my "current family interview". The interview consisted of Sean, Robbie, Anthony (my therapist) and myself. I brought up what happened last weekend and my concern that there was no solution that would leave us both satisfied. Sean brought up that he has been giving into me for years. Well, now I know why we have agreed on everything and it is making me question every decision we have ever made. It was a hard meeting. It didnt help that Robbie had a poopy diaper during the whole thing, only clean diapers we had were in the car..... I will be so glad when potty training is over.... not soon enough...

Time Out for Women

This weekend was TOFW. I have never been before and hopefully this will not be my last time going. I had an amazing time. I feel better about myself and was reminded many times that I am a daughter of God. I learned that it is ok not to be a perfect mother, in fact motherhood is a learning process. Hearing that really helped me, I have been having a rough time. I question whether I should bring another child into this world when I am such a poor example of a mother. We are not trying for another baby until I am off my meds. I left feeling like I could be a good mother. I bought a few books plus a dvd of last years TOFW.

It was a good weekend!

Week Seven

Not much to blog about. Not much happened that I remember. I didnt even journal anything.

Otherwise lots is happening in my life. Tomorrow it is Sean and my 7th wedding anniversary. Time goes by fast.

I found out on the weekend that Sean is reading anti literature on the web and has been doing so for five years. I feel so heartbroken. I have cried off and on all day today. Not a good day at all. We are going out for dinner and I just want to go to bed and cry some more. Sean doesnt want Robbie to go to church any more. I dont know what to say or do. I just feel sick.

Joyce should be here soon to watch the boy.

Week Six

I am one-third of the way through my program. I feel that I have done some work but there is lots more to do. I had an ok week, getting used to the new classes of phase 2. I didnt attend on tuesday, I had a sick little man. Robbie is doing better, still has a runny nose. Sean has a cold as well. So far I have stayed away from being sick.

Robbie has discovered the word "why", I wonder what took him so long. He is driving me insane with his questions. The ones that bother me the most is when he asks me something and then checks with Sean if I am right.

I have been feeling very down lately. I know it is because the new meds havent had time to kick in and help me yet. Today I have done nothing but feel exhausted. Sean is driving me up the wall with asking me if I am feeling ok. I told him that he doesnt like it when I do that to him so not to do it to me, hasnt helped, he just asked again if I am ok.

I am going back to bed.

Week Five

Time marches on during treatment. We had friday off for Good Friday and it seemed weird not going in. Tomorrow Robbie's daycare is closed so Sean is taking the day off so I dont miss a day.

Sister C, at church, keeps asking me if I am enjoying the program. Therapy is not something that can be enjoyed. It is a lot of hard work that is emotionally and mentally draining. I come home and am exhausted, even on days when I do not share much.

This past wednesday was my patient evaluation. I told everyone why I am in therapy and they gave me suggestions to work on. The one area that I disagreed with is my marriage. Things with Sean are going great, we talk about the things we need to and dont tend to leave things to fester. We rarely argue let alone fight. No, I am not denying any issues. The one thing that works in my life is my marriage. It was also suggested that I work with my issues of loss (already started that one) and my issues surrounding parenting of Robbie. I was also told to speak up more in Large group and to show my emotions more. I would show my emotions if I could, the old medication is still lingering and I am still having issues with crying - I want to cry but I cant.

I tired calling Grace but there was no answer. I feel very alone on the holidays, yes I have my own little family but I miss the large family get togethers. Maybe that is something to talk about tomorrow....

Well Extreme Makeover, Home Edition is almost finished taping and it is a two-hour episode tonight. Must go for now.

Happy Easter!

Week Four

Is now over. Time is flying by, before I know it I will be in week 18. I had to be put on a new antidepressant. It was just too soon to be off on the meds. I am happy to be on one that has less side-effects however this one makes me drowsy, it is especially hard to get up in the morning. I need to work on getting out of bed even harder. Hopefully it makes my mood better.

Grace called and mom is adjusting well. Grace also said that it is a really nice place. I am glad to hear that as I am sure that mom's situation has been bothering me.

We took Robbie to a petting zoo today. He enjoyed it for a bit and then started to become afraid of the animals. It was a good outing for the day. We then went grocery shopping before coming home. Not too busy of a day.

I took the turkey out to have for tomorrow's supper.

Week Three

Not a lot happened this week. I was pretty quiet most of the week. I am having a rough time dealing with my mom. I feel that I have lost her again. I want my mommy back right now (as Robbie would say). I know that I dont have things as hard as Grace does, she is responsible for mom now, but I have already lost mom once before when I was 7, I dont like losing her again. I finally got to talk about my feelings on friday.

I was able to pick up my new glasses on saturday, I have having a little bit of a hard time adjusting to them. I am fine at distances but close up things are a little blurry, especially when I am tired. I find that I have to hold things at a distance. I have taken off my glasses for the day so I can see ok right now.

Sunday has been a long day and I am eagerly awaiting bed time.

Headaches

I have been having tons of headaches lately, sore tired eyes, eyes watering suddenly. I knew that there had been a change in my prescription, it had been over two years since my last eye exam. Well, I went on friday and there was quite a change. I have ordered new glasses and will get them on the 30th. Until then I will just have to suffer with headaches. Not fun!

My second week of DTP went well. I am starting to open up and realizing relationships between what happened to me as a child and how I parent Robbie. I am terrified that Robbie will have the same kinds of memories that I have of my mother. Well, he cant have the same memories that I have of Doreen, I dont hit him although I do occasionally yell at him. I try not to and am usually successful but I have my moments where I am pushed to the limit. I am still waiting for the woman who started the same time I did to drop out. She is still continually late and has such an attitude about her.

I am journalling after most sessions in a book I have. I think it is a good way for me to remember what I am feeling and anything I talked about. Other people are journalling as well.

Tuesday is Sean's birthday. He wants me to pick up a cake on my way home on tuesday evening. I also need to see the Bishop this week....

This weekend

Had been a complete bust. I slept all saturday afternoon and all of sunday morning. I would actually be still in bed but Sean is there and someone has to watch the little man. I got a headache last night (up too late) and still have one today.... I didnt feel up to driving so Robbie and I did not go to church. Bad me.

More on DTP...
I am more used to the idea of groups and so I think this next week I will share more. Last week I was more taking everything in, this week it is time to get to work. On friday, Anthony (my therapist) and I started my history. That was pretty intense, and confusing of course while we sorted out my siblings. It turns out for my family of orgin interview that I am going to have to invite Gord (step-brother) and Edith (step-mother). I am not too happy about having to invite Gord, I will do it because that is part of the program, at least I do not need to worry about him coming out to Edmonton. I dont mind inviting Edith, I figured that I would need to, she wont be coming out either but that is ok with me. My current family interview will be interesting, what can Robbie say about mommy? I did ask if he was expected to come and was told yes.

Well, I am sure that being on the computer is not helping with the headache.

Day Treatment Program

Well, I am almost finished my first week, fridays are half days. It is going well so far. I haven't done a whole lot of talking but I am taking things in. My first day I got in trouble for walking to slow to volleyball so now I am not allowed to go to volleyball or anything else that involves walking a distance. I am short and obese, I walk slow, get over it! I did go into some detail about being raped when I was 11. I was kind of surprised that I got into something so deep on my second day. I discovered that while I thought I had dealt with the whole incident I have never allowed myself to be angry about it. Anger is one of the things that I need to deal with over the next 17 weeks.

I do think that there are too many breaks for too long. Our breaks are generally 25-30 minutes with an hour for lunch. I would rather shorter breaks and either more groups or leaving earlier. Today our patient lounge was being used and so we had to wait in the hallway for one of our breaks. I was not happy about that. I had taken my Axim (pda) to do some reading and never got a chance. I am not sure even if we had the break room I would have read but at least it would have been a possibility.

Bedtime is looming so I had better go. More details later...

Tomorrow is the day!

I have been waiting for tomorrow to happen for 2.5 months. I seemed that it would never come and yet here it finally is. The first day of my Day Treatment Program. I am excited and also anxious. I am not sure totally of what to expect, I understand the concept of group therapy but I am not sure how the directed groups go. I am also not sure how I am going to deal with the large group at the beginning of each day. I am committed to do what I need to do to get better and become a better mother.

My goals for therapy are to:
1) increase my self esteem
2) become a better mother by learning from my relationships with my various mothers
3) to learn to deal with depression in a healthy way

I have 18 weeks to achieve my goals or at least make good headway on them. I have had a blessing from my home teacher. I have the support of Sean and of his mom. I have the support of a ton of friends. I need to do this for me, this is my time and I will use it to progress to the person I want to be.

Mom

I had a long talk with Grace last night. It was really good to talk to her and I think she needed someone to talk to. We talked about how mom is doing. Apparently mom is not doing so well, she no longer enjoys tv (I think that she cant follow the story) and so she acts like a lost puppy. It has been really hard for Grace dealing with mom on her own. As mom slides further downhill Grace has more stress added to her load. The biggest stress is about to come. Mom has a spot in a nursing home, right now there is a flu outbreak there but once that is cleared up mom will be moving in. Grace hates the idea that mom will be in a home but finally realizes that this is something that needs to be done. It is in mom's best interest to be in a home where she can be properly cared for and it takes the stress from Grace. They will still be able to take mom places and visit and such but not having to care for her 24/7 will be a big stress reliever.

I feel kind of guilty that I am not there to help with the transition. I feel lucky to be so far removed from everything. I do think that mom going into a home is a very good thing, it should have been done before.

Apparently Edith isnt doing so well either. Grace says that Edith hardly comes to church anymore and she is worried about her. Just what Grace needs, another stress.

It is hard to see your parents grow old....

Group Therapy Session #6

Technically the post should be Group Session 6b because I didnt go last week, but I also did not post so today is Session 6. I talked today about starting the program, about being excited and anxious. I did not talk about how I have been feeling more depressed, I would have but I am starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel again.

I had my physical today, they want you to have one before the program starts. I had put it off since October so it was good to have another reason to have it done. I hate the paper "gowns" they have for you to wear... not fun at all. It was a great appointment, the doctor was happy with all that he saw. He was very happy to hear that I have lost 10% of my body weight. I do my weigh-in tomorrow but since I was one pound off of it from his scale (wearing jeans too!) that I was close enough. I will make a BIG post here when it is finally official.

As I have said I am starting to feel like there is some light in all the darkness again. It helps having friends that are supportive and of course Sean is always there for me. I know that Satan works with the depression to make me feel even worse. I should get a blessing before the program starts. I will ask my home teachers on Sunday.

Update

I didnt weigh-in this week nor did I go to my group therapy so it has been quiet around here.

Friday I went to my orientation for the Day Program and got my start date. I start March 9th. Now that the time is almost here I really wonder if I can do this for 4 months. I want to get better and getting the help that I need will lead to that but I am still unsure of how this program is going to do it. I am really anxious which I guess is normal to feel at this stage of things.

I didnt go to church today. I just wasnt feeling up to it. Robbie really wanted to go so it made me feel bad to stay at home. Sean took him out so I could have some alone time. I just read and napped. I feel bad because the only time Sean gets away from Robbie is at work or during church. It is also not setting a very good example.

Today I was just feeling like I am a horrible person all around. I didnt want to be around my son, if anything I just wanted him gone. I just want a little time alone with my hubby, is that too much to ask for? I feel like it is, and I feel that even asking for it is making me a horrible person. I feel horrible for just wanting to curl up in a ball and forget about life. I feel horrible because I am not the mother I expected myself to be. Sean says that I have unrealistic expectations of how a mother should be, he is probably right but I dont know how to change how I feel a mother should be. Sean figures that I am this way because I didnt have a mother figure for a long time. He forgets that I had Grace as a mother figure, yes she is my "big" sister but she was always more of a mother then my mom was....

I dont know.

Feeling Ugh!

I am feeling off. I am not even sure how to describe how I am feeling. I am down and feel like I want to cry - stupid medication makes it impossible to cry. I feel over-whelmed but by what I have no idea. I just want to curl up in a ball and be left alone. Life sucks.

Eight years ago I proposed to Sean, maybe I am disappointed in it just being an ordinary day. I dont know.

Almost at First Goal

I am almost at my first weight loss goal. I lost another 1.3lbs this week. I have 1 more pound to lose and I will have lost 10% of my starting weight. <> I am trying to be good and not eat too much, although sometimes I feel that I am not eating enough. I dont want my body to go into starvation mode and not lose anything.

I really am doing it!!!

Group Therapy Session #5b

I went this week although I wish I hadnt. It ended 30 minutes early (the therapists had a meeting) and the topics centered on alcohol and whether you could/should drink while in therapy. Pretty much a waste of time for me. It did mean that I got home 30 minutes earlier then I would have.

We have moved over almost all the kitchen stuff. The rest will go tomorrow with the remainder of the food. Saturday is coming up quickly. My home teacher said that he would come and drive the truck for me. I am really happy about that as I hate driving at the best of times. I will drive him over (and pay for the truck) and then follow him back after everything is all done. Sean figures we will be done by noon. Our last intercity move took one hour.

Update

Life is busy right now with the move coming up. We are on track for everything being completed on friday. I do need to call my Home Teacher and see if he will drive the Uhaul for me, I know that I could do it myself but I am nervous to do so. If he says no then I guess I am driving a big truck.

I didnt update my weigh-in last week. I was down another 2.6lbs. The weight is going slowly but I think I would rather that then a fast weight loss. I mean to keep this weight off and if that means just losing a pound or two a week then I guess that I will have to be satisfied with that.

Well, I should go and get more packing done.

Group Therapy Session #5

I didnt go. :( Robbie was a bum and got up at 5:15am. I am so not a morning person and it is worse when I dont get my sleep. After taking him to daycare I took a nap and slept until it was past time for me to leave. I feel a little guilty for not going but I needed sleep. As it was I still woke up with sinus pain. Tomorrow I go to the doctor to see if this is something more serious, I figure that it is just a recurring infection.

We went and saw the Bishop tonight. He was just checking on how we were doing with the Church's assistance. We really are blessed to have the assistance that we do. I think it makes Sean more open to the church with having the help that we are. We also talked about the move, I think everything is set up for the men of the church to help (I will remind them on Sunday).

Tomorrow I am going to call and see if I can find out when I will be starting the program. I am getting really tired of waiting.

I like.....

To offset the posts of what bugs me I am posting things that I like.

1. I like when Sean kisses my forehead. There is nothing romantic about it but it makes me feel calmed and loved.

2. I like milk chocolate. The milkier the better. Chocolate of any kind doesn't like me. (sigh)

3. I like being married. I was single for so long that I wasnt sure how I would do sharing my life with someone else. I like it, I love having a partner in my life.

4. I like hearing Robbie call me "mommy". For so long I was told that I would never have kids and so I get a little excited that I was able to have a little miracle. Maybe one day Robbie will be a big brother.

5. I like having a car. For so long I had to depend on others for rides, walk or ride the bus. I am grateful that we have a car although I really dont like driving.

6. I like that I live far from my family. I love my family very much but I find that when I am around then I revert to a 12 year old. Living in Alberta has allowed me to grow up and be responsible.

7. I like that I am able to grasp technology so easily. I like that I can answer people's questions with knowledge and authority. I like that I am able to teach others with my knowledge.

8. I like Sean being supportive of me with regards to church. It would be easy for him to be negative and yet he is not. Sean encourages my attendance and more importantly encourages Robbie's attendance.

9. I like that I am Canadian. I have a lot of American friends and when I think of the things they dont have - free medical care, one year maternity leave - it makes me feel so blessed to live in an area where I take these things for granted.

10. I like having my own little piece of cyberspace where I can go and write my feelings/thoughts. I dont even care if anyone reads this, I write on my blog for me. If other people want to read and follow my life they are welcome to it but I write for one person and that is me.

So, what things do you like?

Bugy Bug Bug

I was tagged by Courtney so here is my list of ten things that bug me.

1. Being depressed. I hate how it makes me feel, I hate how I have to be on medication. I just wish my brain would work normally.

2. Bad drivers. If you are at a 4-way stop, the first person to stop goes, not whoever feels like going.

3. People who call late at night. We go to bed early, Sean gets up for work at 4am. DO NOT call after 9pm.

4. People who call and then demand "who is this"? You called me, know who you dialed.

5. Robbie's "whiney" voice. When Robbie starts to whine I get a headache, lucky for me he does not do it often.

6. People who get on the bus and then acted surprised that they have to pay. If you are waiting for the bus then get your ticket/money/bus pass ready. Dont wait to get on the bus and then start shuffling around trying to find your money.

7. People who talk loudly on their cell phones. I do not need to hear your conversation and more importantly I dont WANT to hear your conversation. If I am sitting at the front of the bus and you are in the back I should not hear you.

8. People who type in ALL CAPS all the time. It is so hard to read and gives me a head ache.

9. People who dont use any paragraphs or punctuation. It makes things hard to read. I dont always use correct punctuation but I do try and make things legible so that other people can read what I write.

10. Being sick all the time. I have a low imune system and I hate how I get colds/flus/etc. I try not to whine about it but sometimes it is hard to live in a run down body. That is one of the reasons I am working at changing my life, I dont want to be sick all the time.

Good Day

Today I kept Robbie home from daycare. We had a good day, I didnt get anything done but that is ok. Sean is now home from work and the boys are playing on their 'puters. Robbie is just like his daddy. I am going to have to go back to the doctors next week, my sinuses are still bothering me, at least the bronchitis is gone.

Not much else happening today, just a ususal friday.

The First Five

Taken from Cath's blog...

the first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! my choice. for you. this offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1. i make no guarantees that you will like what i make!
2. what i create will be just for you.
3. it’ll be done this year. {translation: you may be waiting a little while}
4. you have no clue what it’s going to be ... it may be cards, a poem, a bookmark, something yummy or a complete surprise to you (and me!) ... who knows? not you, that’s for sure!
5. i reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

most importantly, you must offer the same deal on your blog - the first 5 people to comment on your blog (or if you do not have a blog, facebook) get something made by YOU!

the first 5 people to do so and leave a comment telling me they did win a FAB-U-LOUS homemade gift by me ...

Group Therapy Session #4

Well, once again it is wednesday and so that means group. If I havent mentioned before I HATE going. I dont feel an hour a week is helpful. It is supposed to help with when I start the day program which is 8 hours per day, 5 days a week. Again this week there were a bunch of new people and for some reason the new people think they must talk. Personally I wish people would just shut up. Yes, I am in a grumpy mood.

Today, just for Cath, I talked. I wasnt even forced into it. After the new people shut up I finally said what I was feeling with regards to Robbie. That I feel like I am a rotten mother for not wanting to spend time with him and letting Sean take over most of the childcare. I have made a therapy goal to spend some time reading with Robbie every morning. I need to do this for me as muxh as for Robbie. Mother-guilt sucks big time.

Moving

I thought that things were settled and that we would be staying here for another six months. However last night Sean got into it with our landlord about our renters insurance. So we are now moving. It looks like we may have a place to live already, Sean made an inquiry last night on a place he saw online and they got back to us today. If we sign a 13 month lease we get February free so we wouldnt be paying rent at two places but we would have all month to move in. We are going to go and see the place tonight.

~~UPDATE~~
We went and saw the new place, put in our application and were approved. The managers are members of the Church, their daughter is in Sunbeams with Robbie. I have already book the U-haul truck and we move on February 14th... not like we do anything special for Valentine's day anyway.

So Sick

I have bronchitis and a sinus infection. I feel horrible, I did get a nap in this afternoon. At least the antibiotics seem to be doing something. I hope that by Sunday I am doing better.

I gained 0.2lbs this last week. My eating has been horrible and I havent done the Wii Fit at all. I am not hopeful for things changing until after I feel better.

Group Therapy Session #3

So another week went by and I know Cath is waiting with bated breath to hear if I spoke at today's session. So instead of being mean and not telling until the end I will tell now. I did speak....my name : ) Once again I got away without discussing anything. I am sure next week I will be forced to talk. I did keep coughing during the session as I have a cold on top of a sinus infection. I have to go and pick up antibiotics tomorrow.

I am starting to notice that my mood is getting better, I am not so down as I have been. I am totally exhausted though and still dont get much done during the day. I did do some grocery shopping today but that was all I had energy for. Tomorrow I will go to the pharmacy and then in the afternoon I am waiting for a delivery.

I called our Home Teachers tonight to see if they knew of anyone with a truck. We need to move a freezer two blocks. If we can get a truck we are being given a freezer from Joanne (where Robbie goes to daycare). It would be cool (pun intended) to have a freezer so I hope we can find someone with a truck.

edited to correct spelling error of "baited" to "bated"

Binge control

Last night I wanted to binge. I recognized that I was stressed and upset and just wanted to eat and eat. It was hard but I didnt give into the feelings. I knew that I wasnt hungry, I just wanted the calming effects of eating a bunch of food. Part of what stopped me is there was nothing in the house to binge on, but that isnt totally true there was food just nothing that appealed to me. Part of what stopped me was knowing that I would feel worse after giving in. I went to bed, took some tylenol for my headache and was asleep shortly after. This morning the reason for wanting to eat no longer mattered.

I am proud of myself, although I am sure there will be other binges I was able to control my emotions and not start eating. Even just once it is a victory that needs to be recognized. I can control my emotional eating. Yay!

Weigh-In

I weighed myself this morning and am down another 0.4lbs. Not much of a loss but I did eat an entire large bag of potato chips the other day. I shouldnt have even bought the chips let alone ate them but I wanted them and so just a little loss.

I did do the short walk on the Wii Fit. It took me 7 minutes! (blush) and I didnt even walk the whole time. I know the time will come down and eventually I might even be able to jog the distance but I was pretty embarrassed. So feeling humiliated by my lack of stanima what do I do but come and blog about it so others will know of my pain. All I can do is keep trying, but at least I have used the Wii Fit once this week with 2 days remaining.

Today it is 1*C, no I didnt forget a negative sign, we are in for a few days of plus temperatures! Maybe the nice weather will motivate me to do better.

Sean's alarm clock went off at midnight! It is supposed to be set for 3:45am (waht an aweful hour to get up) so we dont know what happened. I did buy him a new alarm clock today - one without the radio so all is good (I hope).

Group Therapy Session #2

Well today was day two. I just barely made it on time. Once again I did not want to go. Once again I sat silent. I dont imagine that they (the therapists) will let me get away with it for long. It is easier to stay quiet then to participate.

On the way home the bus I was riding in got into an accident. No one was hurt, there didnt even appear to be any damage but we had to transfer to another bus. It took me an extra 45 minutes to get home! I was not impressed.

It was cold and snowy today but it is supposed to warm up tomorrow through saturday. I sure hope so. I need to do some stuff, go to the library, get some meds...

I still havent heard from work. I wonder if I should call them. If they are going to debit my bank account I need to know when and how much. Grrr....

Bad Day

Today has been a bad day all around. I have had no energy and felt like doing anything. Even though I slept in I had a nap at noon. I didnt go to church as I felt like I could not do it today. I just could not stand being around other people and trying to act like everything is fine. Robbie was disappointed, he wanted to go to church. I feel bad that I didnt go, I know that I should not give into my moods but it is so hard sometimes.

The nap at least made me feel a bit better although I woke with sinus pain. I told Sean to go and lie down, so he went for a nap an hour ago. I put on supper (a ham), did a few dishes and now I am back on the computer. I will get Sean up at 5 if he is not already awake by then.

I wish there was a magic pill that I could take and the depression would be over. Yeah, I know they are called anti-depressants. My meds do make a difference but I still have my bad days, most of my days are just ok. I want to feel happy for a change. Robbie is always testing our moods "are you happy daddy?" "are you mad mommy?". Today I lied and told him I was happy, how do you explain to a 3 year old that you are depressed, you dont.

I need to go to the doctors and get another form filled out for daycare subsisdy. I am greatful for the money but the hoops you must jump through.... I also have to get a letter from work saying that I am on unpaid leave and I will have to write a letter stating that I am NOT receiving any money from outside sources. I dont qualify for any EI or anything.

I want to know when my start date is for the program. I never have been patient and waiting for a start date is not helping my mood.

Weigh-In

I weighed in last night at 255.5lbs, down 1.3lbs from a week ago. I should have weighed in during the morning but I forgot about it until Sean reminded me as I was going to bed. If I had used the Wii Fit even once this week I am sure I would have remembered. So yeah, I did not do even one day of exercising on the Wii Fit so it will be my goal again.

I found out some information about my day program. The support group sessions ARE optional for me. For other people they are mandatory, but they have other issues such as addiction. That is good to know because I was getting a bit panicky over it; if I needed to do a certain amount of sessions before orientation then when the heck would I get into the program. Turns out there is no worry.

For the life of me I cant remember taking my morning meds today. I dont remember not taking them either. I am tired now but dont know if that is just because of the time of day or because I didnt take my meds.

I got paid again yesterday. Today, with much struggle I found the phone numbers I needed and contacted work. Mary (HR person) is not sure why I am being paid and thinks I need to pay back the money. The other thing is my benefit package arrived today and I was able to sign up. Apparently that is something else that shouldnt have happened. Mary is checking into things and is going to call me on Monday. I hope this gets resolved soon. I am a little stressed about everything. I feel bad saying this but in many ways I wish I didnt call about being paid, of course paying back $2000 then ten times the amount.

Group Therapy Session #1

So on wednesday afternoons, until I start my program, I have a support group session. Today was my first one. I didnt say anything - no surprise to me that I didnt say anything. I am confused though, I was told that the group was optional but other people mentioned today that they had reached their manditory number of sessions. I need to call my therapist tomorrow and will ask about the group. If I need to attend a certain amount of times I need to know that. I almost didn't go today. I was two minutes late as well. Next week I need to leave earlier.

I am feeling a little frustrated with myself. I have so many things that I should be doing and yet I have no energy to get anything done. I am not good at making myself do things and so therefore nothing gets done. I am so far behind on housework. Sean doesnt say anything but I know that it bothers him as well. I want to live in a clean house, I want the dishes to be kept up. I just dont know how to get everything done.

I am going to breakfast with Joyce on friday. I dont really want to go but I did promise her that I would help her get her Shaw internet hooked up. She got a new computer for Christmas and since we told her to get Shaw over Telus I feel responsible for helping her. Bruce wanted her to get Telus. I really dont know how I am going to deal with the stress of spending another day with Joyce. If Sean wasnt working I would be sending him but as it is I will spend the time with her.

Favourite Hymn

My favourite Hymn is #134 "I Believe in Christ". I think that I need to sing/read/listen to it more often. When Dad was dying I spent the night at the hospital with him. I put on his Mormon Tab cd on repeat. I think every time "I Believe in Christ" came on I would wake up. The words are as follows:

I Believe in Christ

Lyrics by Bruce R. McConkie
Music by John Longhurst

I believe in Christ, He is my King!
With all my heart to Him I'll sing
I'll raise my voice in praise and joy
In grand amen's my tongue employ
I believe in Christ, He is God's Son
On earth to dwell, His soul did come
He healed the sick, the dead He raised
Good works were His, His name be praised

I believe in Christ, oh blessed name!
As Mary's Son, He came to reign
Mid mortal men, His earthly kin
To save them from the woes of sin
I believe in Christ, who marked the path
Who did gain all His Father hath
Who said to men "Come follow Me
That ye, my friends, with God may be"

I believe in Christ, my Lord and my God!
My feet He plants on gospel sod.
I'll worship Him with all my might
He is the source of truth and light
I believe in Christ, He ransoms me
From satan's grasp He sets me free
And I shall live with joy and love
In His eternal courts above

I believe in Christ, He stands supreme!
From Him I'll gain my fondest dream
And while I strive through grief and pain
His voice is heard "Ye shall obtain"
I believe in Christ, so come what may
With Him I'll stand in that great day
When on this earth he comes again
To rule among the sons of men

Grumpy

That is my name and my mood. I have been really depressed since Christmas and I am not sure why. Maybe it is because my expectations of the holidays are never realized. I am always disappointed with the day and from there the depression has just continued.

Mother guilt: On my Canadian adoption website http://www.canadaadopts.com one of the moms was talking about how she isnt the mother she thought she would be. I totally get how she is feeling. I am not the mother I expected to be and in some ways I am the mother that I said I never would be. I can be very selfish with my time, especially right now while I am depressed. I am lucky that Sean is so patient with Robbie, at least he gets it from one parent. As much as I try not to, I sometimes yell at Robbie; the only memories I have of Doreen (my biological mother) is of her yelling (and hitting) at me. I dont want Robbie to have those kind of memories. Changing my parenting skills is part of what I hope to get out of the day program.

Day Program: Starts next month! I am not sure what day I start, just sometime in February. On wednesdays I will be going to the "waiting list" group sessions. I think it will help to get me used to group therapy. I am nervous about the group aspect of things but I want to get help and this program is supposed to be amazing.

Weekly goal: I made a goal this week to use the Wii Fit 3 times. I didnt do so good on my last goal - I only ate breakfast once instead of three times.

Welcome 2009

As I said in my last posting 2009 is the year that I am going to get healthy. Today I weighed myself and I am down another 2.2 lbs. That makes a total of 20lbs lost since the end of August! It seems slow and it is but it is 20lbs lost forever. My weight is now at 258.8, not a number I am especially proud of but a number that I am not going to see again.